I was arrested for drink-driving a couple of years ago
We'd been out all day, bank holiday jobby with lots of live bands we liked. I think I had 8 or 9 pints of hairy-arsed real ale on an empty stomach (see the *cleverness* - colour it in with a crayon of your choice). I'm in the 5' gang, and slightly built.

I'm a twat for being late (ask Davros' Granddad or Legless) so, not wanting to miss the 2pm band (at 2:35pm) I said to Davs, "look love, I've bollocksed up AGAIN - I'll drive to the pub, we'll walk home and pick the wheels up tomorrow".

Four bands and plural beers later, I realised I was feckin HANK (Marvin, not Williams). Hail the burger van, conveniently situated outside; capriciously flirting with my senses; adroitly thrusting the tempting scent of caramelised (that's posh for "burnt") onions up my nose....

We purchased the establishment's finest half pound cheeseburgers with bacon, then having spent so long in the queue for said sustenance, realised we were a tad on the chilly side. "D'OH! We have nice warm jackets in the car - let's skip over and don them for the homeward toddle."

Then I made the most monuMENTALly fuckwitted descision. Having unlocked said vehicle, and clutching the keys in my sticky little hand, I had also donned a metaphorical Jackie Stewart tartan hatband...
"It's only a 3 minute drive home (10-15 minute walk too, I hasten to add) I'm fine to get behind the wheel. The beer in there's watered down anyway, so it's no sweat to drive."
I was utterly cunt-lashed, spackaad, trousered etc. So was Davros' Granddad, so his normally good judgement had gone out of the window with Hitler's cadetteship.
Luckily I only drove 50 yards around the corner before spotting blue lights in the mirror.
My innards turned to Happy Shopper cottage cheese. I pulls over.

"We have apprehended your vehicle madam, as we observed you did not appear to be wearing your safety belt."
(Being vertically challenged, I have to tuck the seatbelt under my arm, otherwise it sits across my sweary neck.)

"Also, you failed to stop at a red signal." (Fuck-splash! Hadn't noticed traffic lights, was too busy looking at pretty flashy lights in mirror.)
Then the nice policeman smelled all that beer on my breath.

"Have you been drinking madam?"

(Bless him for calling me that - I felt more like a receiver of *care in the community* by that time.)

"How much have you had to drink madam?"

"Too much", I sobbed.

So, I spent a night at The Grey Bar Hotel, courtesy of Her Majesty. I could reem out several more chapters about the experience, but that would be REALLY digressing.

On my release the following day, I phone DG to please come and pick me up from HM Hotel.
DG is kind, supportive, warm, fab, the best egg ever. I love him more than chips AND gravy, put together. He had made a *MIX TAPE* to play in the car for our homeward journey to the cold, flacid, homogeonised 'fast' food we didn't get to consume on the night of my crime. (Burgers were on the back seat & therefore confiscated with the car.)

First song on the tape was...





"Fun Lovin' Criminal"
by The Fun Loving Criminals



N.B. This sorry tale in no way glamorises or condones driving with excess alcohol. The truth is, I will be eternally gratefull to the two PC's who stopped me that night. I was 3.5 times over the limit. I could have killed somebody. I could have crashed and killed myself, leaving my son an orphan. The very thought makes my blood run cold. It's all too easy to have an extra one, go on then, another half won't do any harm etc.

I wonder what Jeremy Kyle would throw at me for this behaviour?

Bring it on Jez! I deserve it!
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Fri 8 Feb 2008, 3:34, 13 replies)

It's ok
I got a DUI 4 years ago - it was a stupid bad judgement on my part but I've paid the price and learned my lesson - I blew .09, the legal limit in CA is .08. As long as you learn from it, it's a good thing. It makes me sick when I see people (including some friends) who have had 2 or 3 convictions for a DUI. Once is stupid, more than that is totally fucked up. If I know I'm going out and need to drive, I offer to drive everyone because I know they'll get home safe.
I have no problem calling friends or a cab now if I've had more than 2 drinks within 2 hours. It's not worth it.

Bless DG, that was sweet of him. :)
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Fri 8 Feb 2008, 5:01, closed)

Strick 'em up, Punk!
We've all had a lapse in judgement... But rarely has that lapse in judegement been so eloquently told! :)
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Fri 8 Feb 2008, 9:38, closed)

same here
terrible terrible idea, although i do think they are kind of lenient here in the UK

on another related point. it was my mums car and we found a Mix-cd my dad made for her;
driving down the road listening to Eva Cassidy we were
(Joe Guevara is well known for stealing your biscuits, Fri 8 Feb 2008, 10:04, closed)

What a night that was...
I remember stumbling home and being so shaken by the whole experience (and frantically worrying about the sweary one) that I had to have a smoke when I got in. Except she had the lighters in her bag. Initiative kicked in, and I lit the gas stove so I could flame up, leaned over with tab in mouth at the ready, and promptly burned my fucking eyelashes and fringe.

Thank god I didn't have a beard at the time - I'd have been well fucked.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 8 Feb 2008, 10:47, closed)

Bah, me too.
Last November - drove when shouldn't have & forgot to put lights on (brightly lit town centre) and got pulled.
That's my sort of luck - do it once & get caught. But no excuses - shouldn't have.
Getting lots of excercise now, walking.....

nb saw a plain clothes cop at the station who regularly drinks at my local - then drives.
Grrrrrr.
(misspiggy In danger of having to get a job, Fri 8 Feb 2008, 12:19, closed)

A guy I know
Just got put off the road for 4 years.

Irish guards (cops) tend to also stop you the morning after (Particularly on Sunday and Monday mornings)

They guy was stopped driving into town on a Sunday, and failed the test. This was about 11am. Now, there tends to be quite a wait in Ireland to get into court (Us are all criminals really) this means that generally after you get pulled for something like drink driving, or reckless driving, or anything else that would get you put off the road you typicially have to wait 6 months or so for your case.

Now as you are still innocent at this stage it's ok to drive. 2 days before his case he got pulled ... at 3pm on a Sunday afternoon (After being out the night before and stopping drinking at about 4 or 5am).

Sounds a bit harsh, but he was the kind of ass who drove pissed all the time anyway, so the roads are better off without him!
(oeb, Fri 8 Feb 2008, 15:17, closed)

^ sounds like a total tosser
I got a 28 month ban, reduced to 21 having attended a "rehab course". To be honest, I'd been drink-driving for 20 years. Not as shit-faced as I was on this ^ occasion, but over the limit just the same. I had naively believed that a bit of kip between the two + a pint of water would do the trick.
Well and truly learned my lesson this time, though. I will NEVER touch a drop again if I know I have to drive. If it's a beer-swilly (*snigger, chortle* I said willy) band we are going to see then we take a taxi. If it's too far & expensive to take a cab then we stay home and listen to mix tapes ;o)
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Fri 8 Feb 2008, 15:50, closed)

^-^
Nicely brought back on topic!

On a glummer note, I can think of at least three friends of mine who have died due to drink driving =(

This ment that I have never been a drink driver as I know why it's bad.

This is neither rude or funny =(
(oeb, Fri 8 Feb 2008, 16:11, closed)

Jesus, that's well above average
Were any of them driving? Or innocent victims of piss-heads? Definitely not funny or rude. More like nasty and sad. I much prefer the former...
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Fri 8 Feb 2008, 16:23, closed)

.
One was a passenger, one was in another car on the road that was hit, and one was knocked off his bike (Oddly enough by my cousins best friend.)

Also had two killed from driving when being over tired, so I don't do that either.

There is a lot of road deaths in Ireland. It does not help that we all drink too much and tend to live with the mantra 'Erra, sure we'll be fine!'
(oeb, Fri 8 Feb 2008, 17:01, closed)

Am very impressed - not by drinking
but by DG! What a lovely chap.

Love you both.

Am drunk.

No car involved.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Sat 9 Feb 2008, 0:21, closed)

^ aw, rightbackatcha honey!
He's such a peach. Hurray for motor vehicle - free intoxication! We are trying HARD to catch up with the red wine, but still need to WORK ON IT. Cheers bonny lass! Bottoms up and all that jizz! ;o) xxx
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Sat 9 Feb 2008, 0:39, closed)

wow
you guys are so lucky not to have been nailed for a DWI in Texas......here it will cost at least $1700 between bail bond fee, fine, court costs, probation fees, etc. Then you get to pay the state hundreds each year just to get to keep your license for the next 5 years.
2nd offense will net you a minimum of $2500 spent
3rd offense could land you in prison for 2 years.

(sorry...it is my job to know these things)
( flirting with badgers What? It sounded good at the time., Sat 9 Feb 2008, 5:05, closed)