A BRIEF HISTORY OF NATIVITY PLAY VIOLENCE
I absolutely fucking hated Simon Jones.

Why?

Because he was a cunt.

That's why.

Simon Jones was the kid at school who had everything. His glamorous mum would pick him up in her brand new Ford Capri (a fucking flash motor indeed if you grew up in Coventry), he was always the best at sport and was school captain at everything, his teeth were pearly white, his hair immaculate and wavey, and no doubt his shit had the fine fragrance of fucking roses.

I absolutely detested his perfect fucking guts.

And to top things off, Gemma Buckley, my first ever girlfriend at the age of five (a girl who let me look at her bits in the playground, all bald and pink and puckered up like Popeye sucking a lemon), dumped me so she could go out with Simon-twat-features-Jones.

God, even now I want to rip the cunt's head off and shit down the hole.

So, its early December 1981. My teacher, Mrs Facey, explains that we're going to put on a play at the end of the Christmas term. She also explains that she's going to pick who's going to have the best roles.

"Can I be Joseph!?!" I demand.

Mrs Facey ignores me.

"PLEASE!!! I'd be really GOOD!!! I was BORN to be JOSEPH!!!"

Still, she ignores me, she's talking to the entire class, not just young Spanky, she explains. I'm only six, so I take the only reasonable course of action. I storm to my feet, knock over my desk and chair, and pull my pants and trousers down. Then I stand, triumphant, hands on hips, my tiny pink maggot on display for all to see.

Now, this tactic usually got results. But not today. No.

The plum roles were cast. I was fucking livid. Gemma Buckley was going to be Mary, and Simon-cuntface-Jones was Joseph. And I was cast as...

...a fucking squirrel.

A FUCKING SQUIRREL!

And I only had one line: "Jesus, please take these nuts."

Did they even have squirrels in Bethlehem? I shouldn't complain though, my mate Terry was cast as a giraffe.

Anyway, fastfoward several weeks of burning fucking resentment and self pity (the lot of an actor is hard, you know). Its the big night. The PE hall is filled with parents, looking bored, wishing they were in the pub, wondering how long this utter shit would last before they could go home.

Simon-cocking-Jones is playing a stormer. He's acting and looking like Leonardo Di Caprio, the cunt. He has the crowd in raptures strutting round the stage with a tea towel on his head and a beard made out of brown felt strapped to his chisled chin. He looks like a bronzed adonis, a living god.

I'm dressed in a brown leotard with a feather duster as a tale and I've got whiskers drawn on my cheeks in mascara. I look like a fucking twat.

Then its my time, time for my line. I shuffle forward and lob a load of nuts into the baby Jesus' manger.

I take a deep breath, this is my moment, the crowd is mine, and scream at the top of my lungs:

"EAT MY NUTS, JESUS!!!"

And a ripple of chuckling goes out across the audience. Fuck! Did that wrong. I look to the side and see Mrs Facey getting ready to come and take my hand and lead me off stage. So I improvise another line while I've got the spotlight. I hollar:

"HMMMMM-HMMMMM, MY NUTS ARE LOVELY, JESUS!!!"

More chuckles, and then I feel Mrs Facey lifting me up and carting me off stage. Fuck me, that teacher could move faster than Wonder Woman when she had to.

And then we're back to Simon-cock-munching-Jones. Its like he's been performing for the Royal Shakespeare Company for thirty years. And Gemma aka Mary is lapping it up.

I stand at the side of the stage, arms folded across my chest, my bottom lip protruding out a mile. I'm grumbling to myself.

And then the nativity ends, Simon-wanker-Jones takes a bow. And its over.

Oh, apart from the violence...

As my arch nemisis is taking his second bow to raptuous applause, I come up with a genius plan. This will rescue the evening for me.

When Mrs Facey's back's turned I run back on stage, charging along like a large rabid squirrel, and smacked the cunt right in the mouth.

Simon started to cry. Then I started to cry.

The crowd was angry, I could tell. Shit! I've fucked it all up! How the fuck can I win them over???

Well, let me tell you, struggling out of a leotard with a feather duster strapped on the arse so you can stand there, triumphant, hands on hips, while you show a hall full of parents your pink maggot...

...well, its not as easy as it sounds.
( SpankyHanky, Thu 26 Mar 2009, 22:27, 8 replies)

I vote to rename QOTW
to The SpankyHanky and Others Show
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 26 Mar 2009, 22:31, closed)

CLICKS
:-D
(Errin C, Thu 26 Mar 2009, 22:34, closed)

excellent read
Spanky, love it!
(Grrrrr Tigers, Thu 26 Mar 2009, 22:40, closed)

Baaahahahahahahahaha!
Awesome story!
(Helixdaunting, Fri 27 Mar 2009, 0:33, closed)

Office LoL
I admit it, I am one of Spankies clicky bitches.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Fri 27 Mar 2009, 9:05, closed)

Mucho office LOL
I almost wet myself trying to hold it in...

*click*
( snee held his breath since, Fri 27 Mar 2009, 11:03, closed)

Spanky, old chap....
...I have no idea who you really are, or even whether half of your tales are true, but can I just say that you stride as a colossus amongst mice!

When I can regain my breath and stop laughing, I will click.
(EffinDoubt is breaking glass on, Tue 31 Mar 2009, 7:29, closed)

But Spanky,
how could anyone possibly hate Arthur Dent?
(bill, Wed 1 Apr 2009, 14:15, closed)