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This is a question My Arch-nemesis

I lived in fear of a Darth Vader-esque school dinner lady who stood me perpetually at the naughty table for refusing to eat mushy peas. An ordeal made worse after I was caught spooning the accursed veg into her wellies. Who, we ask, has wrecked your life?

Thanks to Philly G for the suggestion

(, Thu 29 Apr 2010, 12:01)
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The Devil cat
In our little ground floor flat in Earslfield, Mrs. Nimrodihnio and I were given two kittens as a wedding present, as you would imagine these delightful little fluffy bundles of filled us with love and affection.
About three months after we got them, Mrs. Nimrodihnio opened the curtains and jumped back in shock as there was a thin, almost alien like looking Siamese cat on the window ledge staring in. After much shooing it sauntered away stopping for a little backward glance before disappearing.

This started to happen on a regular basis and would catch it staring through the window at our kittens indoors.
Mrs N grew to get really freaked by this cat as she would suddenly see it staring at her from some vantage point overlooking the back garden, I just told her she was being paranoid.

Time came to let Cosmo and Harley out and I put a cat flap in the back door and gradually allowed them out. Very shortly they would come running through the cat flap stopped and do the arched back and big tail hissing at something outside. I could never get to the back door in time to see what was spooking them but had a pretty good idea.

We started to hear cat fights and finally saw that the Siamese that was stalking us was responsible, we had months of this with them coming in after being ambushed and being scared to venture out the back door in fear of being jumped.
It came to a head one morning when Harley was caught halfway through the cat flap and was screaming. When I got to the back door and opened it with her still stuck, the ‘devil cat’, as it was now known, ran off. There was blood everywhere as it had ripped a large gash in Harley back leg. I wrapped her in a towel and ran to the vet in Tooting where they sedated and stitched her. If I hadn’t been there the vet told me, she would have bled to death.
The experience changed Harley into a nervous and frightened little cat and I swore revenge on the beast that did it. I actually knocked on every house on the street and those adjacent to see if I could find the owners and when I did, they refused to believe me, despite the accurate description and the vet bill that their darling little cat could be responsible and maybe I needed to get a life.

I then started a campaign which obsessed me for months to get this psychotic beast sent back to hell where it belonged, which included;

Getting up and an unbelievably early hour for weeks and hiding behind the curtain top window open with a big jug of water at hand when it came to stalk us in the morning, big success. Apart from occasionally falling and spilling the jug on the bedroom carpet

Water hose at the ready in the back garden for hours on end only for me, when i went inside to see it through the kitchen window sauntering through the garden, it clearly was observing and waiting, failure

Catapult, epic fail, broke a neighbours window

Hiding in the garden camouflaged, caught pneumonia, fail

Water pistol, the big pump action kind, mixed success, had a tendency to splash the neighbours as I fired it over the fence in its path home, I had worked out its route home and time the falling of the arc of water so catch it. I had co-opted a mate to call out the fall of shot in pre-registered fire plan.

It did have the effect of minimising its stalking but Siamese are known to be psychotic and could it keep away ? could it fuck.

The seminal moment came was when I caught it in the middle of fight with Cosmo, I heard the screeches and unearthly yowling and moaning that they do and pulled on a pair of boots rushed straight into the back garden and saw this tumbling scratching fight that looked straight out of a cartoon. They suddenly stopped it and there it was with its back to me... I took my chance and booted it at least 6 foot and sent it crashing into the hedge. David Beckham himself could not have caught it more sweetly. The shock on its face was utterly satisfying and as soon as it regained its control it shot off.

Next day the owner came round and did I know anything about how his cat had been injured? and waved a vet bill, which I feigned any knowledge of and said something about karma and it had it probably had it coming, but if he wanted a contribution to have it put down I would gladly help out.
We moved eventually but Harley was never the same happy little cat she once was.

It now knew I had the upper hand and it lost had lost its edge as it would see me with an evil grin, stroking a water pistol and it would slink off.

It’s one of those moments described as a peak experience that you can recall with clarity the absolute feeling of joy/supreme satisfaction/frustration unburdened that was realised in that swinging boot that connected with the devil cats arse and seeing it tumbling slow motion in a perfect arc with the look of total shock and disbelief.
(, Fri 30 Apr 2010, 15:51, 4 replies)
Fantastic Story
It needs to be made into a cartoon.
(, Fri 30 Apr 2010, 16:07, closed)

There is a cat in my street like this. He comes into my house through the window I leave open for my cats, bullies and torments all 7 of them (wish they'd man the fuck up), eats their food, sprays and craps everywhere. The old lady to whom he belongs won't hear a word against her little darling.

I found him in my living room the other day - quickly nipped out before he saw me, closed the window and then ran into the living room like a banshee. Obviously he ran like fuck for the open window to escape, only to smack straight into the glass so hard that he rebounded several feet onto the floor. Very satisfying.

He still comes in though - one day I'll sort the little bastard out.
(, Sat 1 May 2010, 10:33, closed)
When that happens
I trap it and give it to the Animal Control people. The owners have to drive a long way and go through a lot of paperwork and embarrassment to get it back.
They don't let it wander around the neighborhood after that.
(, Mon 3 May 2010, 3:41, closed)
Nice one!
(, Mon 3 May 2010, 13:25, closed)

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