My Unknown Toilet Enemy
I am one of those people who regularly attends the office bogs every day as I am quite happy to say I feel 10 times better after a good dump, whether it be in work in a toilet cubicle or in my own home (on a toilet, of course :p).

As I work in a large office however there are various Gents dotted around the large building. As a result of this I am very picky as to what toilet I want to use. If there is a small puddle in front of it, urine smudged upon the seat or maybe something worse, I will avoid like the plague. Also if the lock on the door fails to work then neither do my bowels, amount of loo roll left etc etc. So I end up drifting about like a twitching hobo until I find a loo that fits my criteria. When I do find one, 5-10 minutes of bliss is experienced as I deposit the faecal matter into the pot of despair. All is well in the land of Jeccius once more.

However. One particular fateful day in the office and Jeccy was doing his usual "toilet surveillance", and spotted a nice tidy and more importantly dry cubicle to "pay my deposit to the porcelain bank" as it were. I sit down and lean forward, egging my way towards some brown bliss when for some reason I turn my head to my left, following a smell which was not coming from me. At eye level, just about a foot from my nose was the plastic toilet roll dispenser. And sitting upon the top of this was a plastic cup from a vending machine in the break area.

And the cup was full of shit. Someone else's shit. And it stank. Of shit, no less. It stank of someone else's shit.

I almost puked. But I had another problem too. I'd only noticed this alien-turd-coffee after I had started releasing one myself, and for the love of God I couldn't stop mid-flow. So I sat there, hands clasped around my mouth as I struggled to evacuate both the contents of my arse and out of the cubicle before I'd add some chunder to the potent mix. I managed to finish up rather quickly, grab some roll rather sheepishly from under the brown cuppa-soup and wipe like my motherfucking life depended upon it. Once done, a quick flush and I was out of there.

5 minutes later I actually had to report it to our HR (which was fun), and they had to send in some poor bastard from Facilities to properly give the contents of the cup a burial at sea, but they never did determine which dirty bastard in our building laid the cup-log in the first place.

I have an enemy in this building, and he currently has no face. But he has logs, and is not afraid to share them. He is my unknown toilet-nemesis, and I still live in fear of finding another Chalice of Ultimate Brown-Power.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Fri 30 Apr 2010, 19:49, 11 replies)

My brother used to delight in leaving trophy turds in the toilet
but even he would not stoop to leaving it in a cup (at least at his workplace).
( BrokenCoccyx doesn't mind if you grope on, Fri 30 Apr 2010, 20:37, closed)

cup-log
*giggles*
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Fri 30 Apr 2010, 21:42, closed)

That is rank!
Jezzzusfunkinchrist!!
(micmac is happy as a pig in shite, Fri 30 Apr 2010, 22:40, closed)

The Phantom Pan Cracker of Old Norwich Town
This was a guy who regularly left things the size and appearance of a Subway steak & cheese foot long in our bogs. Every time he did, we had to call in plumbers.

They caught him eventually after he failed to make a quick enough getaway. His explanation?

"It must be the Hovis".

Yes, the guy ate a whole one every day.
(all my scars face forward possesses 2.5% of a hyperalloy combat chassis, Fri 30 Apr 2010, 23:17, closed)

That is one nasty loaf bonus, right there :)

( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Fri 30 Apr 2010, 23:34, closed)

click!
for "Chalice of Ultimate Brown-Power" :D
( h3donist tryin' to play me out as if my name is Sega.., Sat 1 May 2010, 1:23, closed)

Yum.
You wouldn't happen to work in a large office building around the Northern end of Cardiff, would you? Some of the toilet stories from there are 'interesting'.
(Draco Rattus ate all the pies on, Sat 1 May 2010, 8:00, closed)

Drive about an hour west of there :D

( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Sat 1 May 2010, 12:07, closed)

Ay yes, I know the city.
Only been there once. It rained all day.
(Draco Rattus ate all the pies on, Sat 1 May 2010, 20:43, closed)

throw in a couple of girls..
and you have the makings of a video sensation..
(norfolkngood, Sat 1 May 2010, 14:17, closed)

Aw, fuck
you beat me to the joke!
(TheWonderfulWombat It came to me in a dream., Mon 3 May 2010, 3:52, closed)