Mel...
was, urm, a larger lady who started work on telesales for a big I T Distributor on the same day as me. She was very, very loud and very, very annoying and used to make up office songs, which we had to sing every morning (fucks sake...) because she was well in with our sales manager and they convinced each other it was good for office morale and team spirit to have us fucking mumbling and muttering this fucking shite to the tune of 'O Sole Mio'..

She was huge. She had one of those bottoms that looked like there were a couple of lads trying to fight their way out of her when she walked. She had her own weather systems and measurable gravity field which meant that if anything remotely digestible got within 2 metres, it was drawn into the trap. At lunchtimes, she'd ask anyone nearby who had the misfortune to have a sandwich 'Can I have a bite?'. The idiots who said 'OK, there you go' were treated to the sight of this fucking creature forcing as much as she could into her mouth before snapping her jaws shut. Frightening...She asked me once, I said 'no' and she called me a 'tight bastard'. I'd seen the damage she could do.

She had a blazing row with one of the team leaders one day. She had a habit of attaching herself to someone (usually female) in the office and then she'd go wherever they went, which was fucking annoying after about 10 minutes, and the TL had totally had enough. The next day the team leader came in to find most of her account record cards missing. They were found in the shredder. Of course, no one could prove anything.

She was doing much better than me on sales though, especially if there was a promotion running. I could never understand it. One morning, about 6 months after we started, they took her to one side and gave her a promotion to team leader. I was fucking gutted, she'd pissed quite a few people off but that didn't seem to matter, her figures were good and she deserved some recognition...

One day, a few months later, a stock check was carried out and it was discovered that there were quite a few more laser printers in the warehouse than there should have been...She'd been putting false orders through, letting them go through the system and then intercepting the paperwork before it got to the warehouse. I wandered into work next morning to be dragged into the boardroom by the sales manager and told that she'd been sacked. YAYYY!!!!

The sales manager (cheeky cow) said something along the lines of 'She's really let me down. You started at the same time and I need to know that I can trust you...'.

I've only seen her once since, working at an estate agents. If I never see her again, it'll be too soon.
( His Popiness the Hole Invaded Poland on, Sun 2 May 2010, 18:57, Reply)