I knew a proper bastard once
I was in a club and I smashed this girl's head off a bar (it's ok, she deserved it, she'd spilt my drink), and this snide little wanker has the affront to come up to me and tell me it was ME who was out of order. Well, as you can imagine, I didn't take kindly to such rudeness and glassed him in the face, and the cunt didn't take a telling so he went off and got the bouncers on me! Got me thrown out!

Needless to say, I slashed his tyres and pissed through his letterbox after following him home shouting a few death threats, and he had to fucking over-react as usual and get the police involved. They turned up and just WOULD NOT listen to my side of the story. They arrested me like the twats they are. Now I'm facing a prison term because he couldn't take a fucking hint...

What a bastard.
(StapMyVitals wouldn't mind a bit of that, Mon 3 May 2010, 21:27, 3 replies)

I know it sounds like a piss take
but this is actually true. StapMyVitals, everybody; a modern Francis Begbie with even less self-awareness.

I am so fucking glad he doesn't know my real name, or where I live any more.

Fuck you, 'Stap'. You are a violent bully and one day you will get what's coming to you.
(Falstaff's Spiritual Successor, Tue 4 May 2010, 11:28, closed)

I was definitely
channeling Begbie here. The single line that I keep remembering is "Ah booted her in the fanny" when he was detailing roughing up his pregnant girlfriend.

I keep finding it funny when I absolutely shouldn't.
(StapMyVitals wouldn't mind a bit of that, Tue 4 May 2010, 18:05, closed)

It's not 'booted her' it's 'booted it'.
Which is so much nicer.

Now get the fuck away from me. I'm genuinely afraid of you.
(Falstaff's Spiritual Successor, Wed 5 May 2010, 10:46, closed)