Just a few weeks ago
I'm in an indie club and there is wee inside me so I decide to go to the toilet.

The gents in this place are...not terrible, but not fantastic. The floors are damp, not flooded, there's no George Michael, and the cubicles have doors but no locks (I have an opinion on the sort of people who steal the locks from public toilets doors, but I don't want to be accused of overusing the phrase "should be raped to death" again.)

The lack of locks mean that often you'll have the sight of someone using the cubicle. I guess they think "If I can't lock the door why bother shutting it".

And so it was on this night. Someone had gone to use a cubicle and not closed the door. What was unusual was his behaviour under the circumstances, if you know what I mean. If you don't I can clarifying by saying that by 'behaviour' I mean 'shitting'.

Or so I must assume. By the time I arrived he was asleep on his side on the cubicle floor, trousers round his ankles, slowly soaking up the beer and wee, like an unwieldy, poohing mop.

Now this is a bad situation and presents a problem. A problem that does need solving. Fortunately the trough was free, so I could use that instead.

A guy walks in. As you know, the men's loos are meant to be a conversation free zone, but I feel that the situation can't go completely unremarked (*), so I mumble something, and the new guy prods the low-quality-rug guy with his foot.

Well, where are you going to find a stick in a nightclub.

I finish up and head back to the dancefloor. On the way I see a boucner walking towards the loos. Wondering when the job centre opens so he can get any job that isn't this one.


(*) On reflection this was a mistake - it would have been much funnier to pretend that this was a normal situation and if guy said something give him a "what are you talking about. And WHY are you talking. This is the gents, not a social event. Talking make you autogay."
(teebie jeebie, Thu 9 Apr 2009, 14:33, 8 replies)

Good story
But!
Talking in the gents does not make you gay; not up North anyway. Conversations generally proceed thus:

1: Now then
2: Now then
1: Good night?
2: Yep
(Pause)
2: Pissed though
1: LOLZ

It's the last bastion of blokeness, having a conversation with a total stranger whilst standing at the latrine...
(Ghostlight, Thu 9 Apr 2009, 15:09, closed)

Where are you from, Canal Street?
That conversation translates to

"Hello, my cock is out"
"Hello, my cock is out also"
"Are you happy with the quality of your cock?"
"Yes. Yes I am
...
of course I am so drunk that I may make it sexually available to men folk"
"weecolourchange"

(This is probably only funny if you have been mucking about on Xtranormal all week)
(teebie jeebie, Thu 9 Apr 2009, 15:47, closed)

Don't get me wrong...
If someone wants to be sexually and emotionally attracted to men then I wouldn't dream of criticising.

But talking in toilets? That's just wrong.
(teebie jeebie, Thu 9 Apr 2009, 16:33, closed)

In the clubs I've mostly been in
journeys to the bogs are generally concerned with trying desperately - through your drink-addled mind - just to avoid sliding on the pish-covered floors and wind up flat on your arse in the middle of it all.

There's just no spare capacity in that-pissed a mind to contemplate any kind of conversation beyond an "alright mate" for fear of anyone realising those are about the only words you can actually string together.

Plus, why is it the very moment that you turn away from the trough that you realise just how drunk you really are as you struggle to remember where the way out is and try to work out how to get there. Then there's the journey back to your mates to tackle...
(dxg, Thu 9 Apr 2009, 18:44, closed)

Autogay?
I have no idea what that means, but it makes me laugh...
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Thu 9 Apr 2009, 15:22, closed)

*click*
especially for "like an unwieldy, poohing mop" and for your translation in the replies.
(Rotimer was micturating windward at, Thu 9 Apr 2009, 16:10, closed)

On the subject of raping phrases...
If you don't want to overuse "Raped to death", try spicing the phrase up with implements!

i.e "Raped to death with a chilli covered rusty rail spike".

Or maybe the ever popular "Raped to death with a platypus"

This should ensure the "raped to death" part of the sentence won't be considered overused in general conversation, and you'll gain a reputation for misusing platypi.

With that reputation; do what you will.
(Scritty Bakerman., Thu 9 Apr 2009, 23:46, closed)

Thank you...
for your...erm....help?
(teebie jeebie, Tue 14 Apr 2009, 9:38, closed)