POSH WANK
There's nothing quite like a posh wank.

Its the Ferrero Rocher of masturbation, the Ferrari Testarossa, the cream cake from Waitrose (as apposed to the shit you get from Cost Cutters). The posh wank is, quite simply, auto erotic perfection.

Back when I was living with my then girlfriend, Scouse Emma, I'd finished work and was busy cleaning the flat. We'd arranged to go out to the great big fucking doompit where you had your soul ripped out and spat on, Fabric, down in Farringdon (I just don't do dance music, me. But the weekend before I'd dragged Emma out to a Dropkick Murphys gig, so it was only fair she take me some place I'd rather not go).

Bit of cleaning done and dusted, showered and dressed for the club, I settle down in front of the TV, get bored very quickly, and decide to go and thumb through my extensive porn collection.

And I decide to treat myself: I decide to have a posh wank. So, I go to the drawer and find a Durex, unroll the fucker over my pulsing wee chap, add a bit of lube, and away we go. To the unitiated a posh wank is essentially tossing off whilst wearing a johnny. Might not sound too special, but give it a go and you'll see that it just feels nnnnniiiiiccccceeeee.

I was in the mood for the classics that day, so I beat one out over my collection of Page 3 Stunnas of the 1980's - starring Linda Lusardi and Sam Fox in hot nipple action, fucking lovely! Even as I did the dirty deed I considered laminating those holy newspaper clippings in case of any future errant spillages.

After a brief but very frantic wank I spluff in the rubber and hear the door open at exactly the same time. Now, Emma wasn't too keen on me spending all my freetime with my pants round my ankles choking the chicken, so I quickly zipped up and hid my classical porn under the matress.

In walks Emma. I'm standing there looking a bit shifty but that's pretty normal for me. Emma comes over and gives me a hug and says we'd better go straight down to Fabric because some DJ uber god is playing and the queues will be fucking massive and she has a taxi waiting outside and she doesn't appear to want to stop talking.

So we go. Straight away. She literally drags me out the door. And all I can think is - I've got a condom on my rapidly shrinking cock, hidden away in my trousers, and the weight of my love juice contained within and the general sweatiness of the area is fucking uncomfortable.

In the taxi I start squirming like I've contracted crabs. Emma doesn't seem to notice. She's too fucking excited about going clubbing and has gone into Scouse overdrive. We meet up with several of our mutual friends in the queue when we get down there. And slowly the queue edges forward. And all the time my cock is itching like it has leprosy. I'd never kept a condom on after cumming for so long before. It just felt fucking wrong. I imagined my sperm were trying to swim back up my japs eye. I wondered if it were possible to get myself pregnant. But that was just crazy talk.

Eventually, we get in the club and I make a b-line for the shitter. Unfortunately Emma's campest and loudest and gayest mate, a lad named Dave, decides he needs a piss too. We go together. The bogs are packed. We stand and wait for a space at the urinals. One opens up. Dave offers it to me and I accept gratefully. I take my place at the pisser, look round, and realise with dread I wouldn't be able to peel off the nodder and dispose of it without half the fucking room knowing about it. Including Dave, which would mean Emma would find out too. So I have a pretend wee. And then the space beside me opens up and Dave takes his place. Aghast that he might see my rubber-clad willy, I turn away from him. He smirks at me: "Come on, Spanky - it's not like you've got anything I haven't seen before." I shuffle further away from him. "Go on, Spanky - let me see your cock!" He says jokingly.

"Will you just fuck off, Dave!" I shoot back. It wasn't his fault, I was just getting increasingly more pissed off with the situation.

After a little longer pretend weeing I zip up and go back outside to find my girlfriend. And when I find Emma she's already pretty into the 'beat' and all that bollocks. She smiles when she sees me and playfully grabs my package, as she sometimes did, and my package crinkles in her hand. She looks a little confused:

"Whassthat, Spanky?" Emma asks in pure Scouse.

"Oh, nothing..."

"No - what is it???" She starts to get louder.

"I'm wearing a condom..."

"What???"

"I said I'm wearing a condom..."

And at that moment camp, loud, gayer than Elton John Dave returns from the bogs and proclaims: "Spanky - are you always so fucking protective about your cock? I mean, anyone would think I was going to bite the damn thing off..."

Emma takes a look at me: "You haven't, Spanky... Have you...?"

You know what, its really fucking shitty when your girlfriend thinks you've just fucked one of her mates in the bogs. Its even more shitty when that mate happens to be another bloke...

(That relationship was doomed to fail)...
( SpankyHanky, Thu 9 Apr 2009, 16:28, 8 replies)

Haha!
*clicks*
(wonderbrawl was pronounced dead on, Thu 9 Apr 2009, 16:36, closed)

Excellent!!!
Thanks!!!
(Grrrrr Tigers, Thu 9 Apr 2009, 16:46, closed)

You could write a book about spunk
you really could. click.
(Lizard King, Thu 9 Apr 2009, 16:49, closed)

Spanky
if I wasn't already in love with someone I'd tell you how much I love you and want your babies.

But I don't love you like that.
I like your story though!!
(Poppet some assembly required., Thu 9 Apr 2009, 17:29, closed)

you.
I click you, you glorious bastard.
(I'm a schmuck, i did a schmucky thing. is unlurking thanks to unemployment, Thu 9 Apr 2009, 21:05, closed)

Absolutely
hilarious, mr spanks. Thanks for making me laugh til it hurts!
(Errin C, Thu 9 Apr 2009, 23:50, closed)

absloutely marvellous
Spanky!!!!
(Hotty, Fri 10 Apr 2009, 13:59, closed)

This...
could only happen to you Spanky. Click.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Fri 10 Apr 2009, 14:37, closed)