and then there was daniella
when i was about 25, i was living in a house share. a new girl had moved in, a very sweet but rather naive girl called daniella. she was 28 and from a tiny town in the american midwest. one friday night, my then-boyfriend and i arrived home to find our other housemate kathy and her new boyfriend hovering in the hall.

"thank god you're back! goodnight!" they yelled, running upstairs, doubtless to have lots of sex. we could not do the same. because the sofa was full of sobbing, vomiting american. oh crap. eventually i got out of her that she was seriously upset because she had gone out and pulled someone that evening.

i couldn't understand why she was so upset. she was single. she was young. what was the problem in pulling someone? but when i said this, she got more and more upset. eventually she sat up, vomit and tears streaked everywhere, and sobbed, "you don't UNDERSTAND. it was my FIRST TIME." i'd met this girl 5 days before, and until that point, the most intimate extent of our conversation had been which cupboard she should put her food in.

i mopped her up a bit and sent her to bed. in the morning, she was incrediby hungover and incredibly subdued. she thought she should take the morning after pill. i pointed her in the direction of tesco pharmacy and went to sunbathe in the back garden. 10 minutes later she was back. more hysterics because the pharmacist didn't want to give her the pill.

it turned out, on closer examination, that she had just given him a blow-job, and he had come on her stomach. i didn't want to be rude, but i couldn't stop staring. on what planet did she think that could have made her pregnant? did she think it sank through the skin, by osmosis? or did she think it swam all the way down and then up??

she lived with us for another 2 years (her visa was not renewed when she had officially the worst day at work ever - she managed to let al-jazeera into the national archives to make a documentary on making british passports, and they had to get a super-injunction to stop them broadcasting it; i think of this whenever i think i've had a shit day at work) and she never did get any more cock. i hope she gets lots of it now she's back home, because she's a genuinely nice girl. just very good at never having sex.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 22 May 2014, 21:46, 3 replies)

Blimey. A post from Swipe that doesn't involve scat.
#firsttimeforeverything
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 22 May 2014, 21:52, closed)

I once met a bloke who thought I could get pregnant by sitting on his bed, (fully clothed), because he'd had a wank in it the night before
...he was a Catholic...
(IHateSprouts is baking a huge pie shaped like an enormous pie, Thu 22 May 2014, 22:04, closed)

Like!
Particularly as I got confused and thought she let Al Qaeda into the archives.
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Sat 24 May 2014, 9:56, closed)