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This is a question Not having sex

Our pal Freddie Woo says: Climbing into the back seat of the car, she sat on a fortnight-old bag of food shopping I had completely forgotten about. The stench of a bag of bean sprouts popping open is a real passion-killer, I can tell you for nothing. Tell us about the shag you didn't have because you blew it.

(, Thu 22 May 2014, 14:01)
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I don't have much to tell personally
So instead I shall give you the tribulations of my good friend Dom "Thirteen Times" Johnson.

At the age of nineteen, he is still a virgin. Now, I would never normally mock someone for that. Hell, I was older than that by a couple of years when I lost my virginity. No, the thing I mock him for is that he has ~almost~ lost his virginity.

Thirteen times over.

And failed every single time.

Now the first six are not really his fault. As an extremely keen cyclist throughout puberty (he was probably the best junior in the country at one point), his development was slightly affected by long hours in the saddle. To cut a long (or not - we'll come to that) story short, if he's been cycling any appreciable amount the day before, he can't get it up.

Six times denied by his own penis.

Which, apparently, is not particularly large. To the extent, in fact, that women #7 and #8 saw him naked, laughed, and left the building.

Make that eight times denied by his own penis. So far so unfortunate, but now we come to the bulk of the stories.

#9 - After pulling a girl in a seedy club, they took the bus back to campus, where he lived at the time. The bus trip was so long (at least something was) that she got bored of him on the way and on arriving, promptly took a taxi back into town again.

#10 - Same club, same situation. About to get into a taxi (he did learn something from the previous experience) the girl leans in and whispers "Do you want to go back to mine to have sex?" He then has a twenty minute giggling fit at the word "sex". During which the girl gets into the taxi and leaves, alone. Apparently he didn't quite learn enough.

#11 - He manages to get a girl into bed this time, but she passes out almost instantly. Desperate as he is, he has to draw the line somewhere, and spends the night on the floor. Upon awakening, the girl tells him that he has "until the taxi gets here" to do whatever he wants with her. Alas, twenty seconds proves to not be quite enough. Even for him.

#12 - This time, he manages to get back to the girl's flat instead of his. Alas, he's eaten a rather dodgy curry the night before, and asks the use the bathroom. As he told me "It was like a volcanic eruption. Noises, screams, flowing rivers of awful".

Her bedroom was right next door to the bathroom. She heard EVERYTHING, and made him sleep on the floor. Again.

Unlucky #13 (and my own personal favourite) - He pulled a girl at the students union during freshers week. "Do you have a condom?" she asked him, in a sultry voice with only a trace of impending unconsciousness. "No" replies our hero "but I'll go get one". So off he trots to the toilets and procures not one but TWO (ooh, ambitious) whole condoms. Sadly, when he gets back out, she's gone. Perhaps understandably (or perhaps not) he hunts high and low throughout the whole building for her. She's nowhere to be found.

Now, most people would give up at this point. Some would go back to drinking, some would go for a walk and bemoan the fickleness of womankind and some would simply go home for a wank. But not our hero, oh no.

Because he decides the best course of action is to wait for her to come out of the union.

By hiding outside the union.

In a bush. The leafy kind.

In the rain.

Clutching his condoms.

For four and a half hours.

He remains, to this day, a virgin.
(, Wed 28 May 2014, 21:00, 10 replies)
Why didn't you say you knew George! personally?
Actually, I can see the rationale for wanting to keep that sort of information a secret.
Also: *click*
(, Wed 28 May 2014, 21:07, closed)
Poor bastard

That's unlucky.
(, Wed 28 May 2014, 21:48, closed)
Hello Dom.
Why don't you admit that you're really George! Dom?
(, Thu 29 May 2014, 0:11, closed)
I'm not on here much these days
Can someone fill me in on this George thing?
(, Thu 29 May 2014, 8:32, closed)
Can ya fiiill me in, Can ya fill me in

(, Thu 29 May 2014, 8:51, closed)
So much poon!

(, Thu 29 May 2014, 9:34, closed)
George! (with his Jonatton Yeah? punctuation)
was a wanker who turned up this week claiming to have followed some kind of training course that made him God's gift to women and a master seductor. Pisstaking followed with a mercilessness not seen since Sob Carehome, and a couple of days ago he was overcome with abloobloobloo and deleted his original post.
(, Thu 29 May 2014, 10:02, closed)
george! is a wellknown troll, or would like to be
he tries, bless him
(, Thu 29 May 2014, 10:32, closed)
I see

(, Thu 29 May 2014, 10:50, closed)
George is a very manly man,
who periodically comes here here to astonish all with tales of his manliness, which then make everyone jealous.
(, Thu 29 May 2014, 10:54, closed)

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