A seasonal poem
Xmas is all about ME!

Never mind the children or the home-returning folk
Bedamned with sprouts and pudding, turkey, vodka mixed with yolk
I couldnt give a toss for Christians, charity or trees
As what’s important at this time of year is me! Me! ME!!!

I’m getting lots of pressies and my belly will get fat
I’ll drink myself unconscious wearing stupid looking hats
I’ll not do any washing-up or showering I think
I’ll melt into the couch while watching Star Wars with a drink

If someone gets me something which is tacky, cheap or naff
I’ll sling it straight back at them sneering with a little laugh
I’ll profligately dispense gifts and drinks and food for free
I’ll lord it over everyone with generosity

I’ll mock and jeer at adults running after little shits
I’ll “accidentally” smash the little fuckers xmas gifts
I’ll use the type of language innocents should never hear
And when I leave I’ll tell them all that I’m not coming back next year

I’m uncle baz, the bachelor, the wild one, the black sheep,
No children, wives or weddings, no responsibility
The world’s my pearl-filled oyster, life’s a daily bacchanal
So merry fucking xmas to you bastards, one and all

Rafter
baz
(bazmorningstar efil4nat3b, Wed 17 Dec 2008, 13:45, 8 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I need a wee.

( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Wed 17 Dec 2008, 13:28, Reply)

What I'll do, is start a topic, and allow you to get stuff off your fully figured chests.
Please, no fat birds.
( Jam Master Geordie Hero of B3ta., Wed 17 Dec 2008, 13:17, 25 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

armpit sex
what's the story here? I saw some horrible porn a few days ago that resulted in this sort of malarkey, is there a valid point to be made?
(knackerz is skinning up, Wed 17 Dec 2008, 13:09, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Who wants to rub my thigh while going "ROCK ON TOMMY!" and snapping their braces?

( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Wed 17 Dec 2008, 13:03, Reply)

I just got angry at work.
It was proportional, controlled and direct. I rather enjoyed it.

How do you express your anger?
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 17 Dec 2008, 12:49, 13 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

A letter to Santa,
Dear Santa,

Thanks for getting me the 'V' boxset (hiding it under the missus side of the bed may have been a bit misguided though) and thanks for possibly getting me the Clone Wars DVD (no idea where you've hidden that).

However, what I would really like is a front page entry on B3TA. My entry for the week can be seen here:

www.b3ta.com/questions/hell/post330481

If you could sort this for me it would be much appreciated.

Thanks Santa,

Love from Mike (age 30 and 9months)
( SpikeyPickle wishes he was mabazaritchie, Wed 17 Dec 2008, 10:53, 11 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Reminder: York QOTW bash - Saturday 31st Jan 2009
Just a reminder, there will be a QOTW bash in York in the new year on Saturday January 31st.

I thought we might like to try something different for a change. have a look at the latest comments in the calendar entry for details.

PS. here is a list of upcoming QOTW bashes.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Wed 17 Dec 2008, 9:26, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

From BBC Entertainment
news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/7786462.stm

Entertained me!
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 17 Dec 2008, 6:25, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

RIP
Rhys Jones

poor lil guy, Sean mercher is a cunt, he should be beaten with heavy clubs and left bleeding in the moonlight

and his girlfriend too, shes just as bad , thinking Sean is a 'hero'
(Lord Chode, Tue 16 Dec 2008, 23:01, 19 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE

( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Tue 16 Dec 2008, 19:13, 14 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Erm...
is it just me, my eyes, my laptop, my connection...

or....

has the spacing and or the font size on b3ta increased today?
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Tue 16 Dec 2008, 18:24, 15 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

my friend wrote this
www.idleworm.com/rnt/spf/crp/crpyc.shtml with a small amount of editing by one of her friends

what do you lot think?

oh yeah, she says she was 12 when she wrote this :D

i reckon its bloody good, but then again i'm her friend so...
( weaver., Tue 16 Dec 2008, 17:15, 4 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Snacktime
What's your favourite snack?
(Fuckarma was masturbating into your handbag, Tue 16 Dec 2008, 16:40, 11 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

It'll do me nicely!
news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/merseyside/7775340.stm

Life with a minimum of 22 years. Marvellous!
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 16 Dec 2008, 15:54, 41 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Time for a new one of these I think

( jim_bob can herd cats., Tue 16 Dec 2008, 15:38, 161 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Just testing
Failed x twice but now have success :0)

A little pic on replies just to prove I can now post pics.

And thanks for all your help!
( SpikeyPickle wishes he was mabazaritchie, Tue 16 Dec 2008, 15:37, 15 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Webcomics
Does anybody read any good webcomics? I am up to date on all the ones I read and am in dire need of new ones!
(darras jeg har en grevling i hodet. Grevling, grevlang, Tue 16 Dec 2008, 14:35, 16 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Sandra, the Man Beast and Me
Belated response to last week's Cougars and Sugar Daddies QOTW, denied then due to newbie status.


Back in the heady days of yore when outstanding nights of revelry were fairly central to my core being, it was always my policy (once there was enough of the right stuff lapping about my insides) to actively seek out misadventure, adamant that the pursuit of full-power stupidity during one’s youth and young manhood was actually one of the cornerstones on which rich and satisfying lives were built.

And it was in this frame of mind, at the tail end of an invigorating little binge at a naff local nightspot, I met Sandra. She was one of those leathery-faced old birds you get with fondnesses for leopard print, short bleached hair and Regal cigarettes. She told me I looked like River Phoenix (wrong) with a touch of Ronan Keating (very wrong) and I maintained a diplomatic silence because I thought she looked like Grotbags.

Back at hers (yes, I know, but I had a policy to think of) she shimmied into the living room to fetch a couple of glasses and then immediately came rocketing back out again as though she’d met a lion in there or something. Grabbing me by the arm and hissing something about ex-husbands sleeping on sofas, she instructed me to go upstairs and wait for her in the bedroom at the top.

I found the room, perched on the edge of the bed and waited in the darkness as an argument between Sandra and an angry, booming voice began to emanate from below stairs. It was then I caught sight of the wedding photo on the wall. My bones turned to water as a nameless fear swept over me. The man-beast smiling out of the photograph was about 7ft 6 in height and covered in thick black hair – it was as if Nature had intended to make a gorilla and changed its mind at the last moment. And this thing was downstairs.

I buried head in hands and began quizzing myself out loud about what I had hoped to gain by coming back here – I mean, for what? Her? I am ashamed to admit that in my heightened state of remorse, I subjected Sandra to a pitiless character study that may have resulted in my saying a few off-colour things about her, including the fact she was a hoary old bird that probably took it up the shitter, and worse besides.

But just as I was running through this repertoire of foul abuse, the shouting stopped, a door slammed and I heard noises to support the theory that the man beast had skulked off. Sandra, full of relief and apology, entered the presence and flicked on the light I hadn’t dared to touch. The ordeal was over.

But the sudden impulse to start dancing around the room on my tiptoes while strewing roses from a bedside vase was squelched by the unmistakable look of fear and dread spreading over the ancient relic’s leathery old map. Was she looking at me? She seemed to be looking beyond me.

I turned, and suddenly shot up as though a spike had come through the bed and pierced my fleshy under parts. What I saw made my eyes pop. I reeled. Not one, not two, but three kids had been cowering in Sandra’s bed the whole time I was perched on the end of it in the darkness – listening in petrified silence to everything I had said about their mother.

And yes, after she had shooed them away, I still went through with it. But at dawn, as I was sneaking out of the premises, I was caught in the act by an early-rising four-year-old on the lookout for someone to fix his X-box. After obliging (a reluctant cable needed stuffing back in), I resumed my doorward march, all too aware that the little man was now sticking to me like a shadow. Reaching the exit, I turned and we stared at each other in dumb silence for a time, until finally he said ‘are you coming back?’

It was the single most heart-rending thing I had ever experienced outside of an appeal by the RSPCA and I don’t mind admitting it stirred the deeps in me, jerking my better self to the surface and leading to a complete revision of my stupid policy and immature attitude to life.

Yes, I thought, warming to the topic as I strolled away from this house of horrors, I would rise on the stepping-stones of my old, dead self and become a better, greater, nobler version of me. I would ditch the lad in me. I would become a man.

But then later that night I got drunk on gin and um bongo and smashed a cake shop window.
(Bailey07, Tue 16 Dec 2008, 11:02, 20 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

morning!
Did anyone see b3ta mentioned in Metro this morning? It was all about the clever folks on /board shopping the Bush/shoe video, but gave me my first smile of the day!
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Tue 16 Dec 2008, 10:14, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Getting published on the radio
Morning everyone,

I thought I'd use the OT board to ask this as generally it seems full of intelligent and helpful people.

How would one go about submitting written works or plays to a radio station?

Apologies for the vagueness of the question, but it's something i thought about on the way in to work, and I can't really access many sites from my phone.

I don't even know what sort of stations would accept or use admissions from the public (my radio rarely wanders past Radio One in honesty)

Can anyone suggest Radio stations that broadcast plays etc, and if known, how to submit stuff to them?

Apologies in advance for a thoroughly boring post, which would normally have been avoided had I access to the web as a whole!

Ta
( SeasonTicketless is too often the statue, and rarely the pigeon., Tue 16 Dec 2008, 9:30, 6 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

MY TITS ARE THE SIZE OF CAMELS.

( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Tue 16 Dec 2008, 8:50, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Morning.

( wanderlust, Tue 16 Dec 2008, 8:06, 255 replies, latest was 16 years ago)