Bastard Medical Receptionists
Where do they create these haggard harridans?

Why do we put up with the nonsensical rules put in place by these pseudo-medical harpies who make it their life's work to stop you gaining access to the bollock-squeezer?

I've been told in the past that my week-old daughter with breathing difficulties was 'not an emergency' according to the post-menopausal cat's-arsehole-mouthed velociraptor behind the desk.

This morning the same daughter requires some medical attention - nothing major, just a referral to a specialist, the poxy GP just needs to type about ten words and off-ski.

There is one scab-lifter at this practice who specialises in rugrats, so we ask for him.

Booked solid.

Hang on, retorts I, how can he be booked solid when I called you at 0831 when the phones open at 0830? Ohh, you changed the appointment booking robot line opening hours and you now open at 0800? At what point were you planning to tell anybody? Oh, you weren't.....still never mind, I would be ever so grateful if you could stick junior down for one of your finest appointments for tomorrow, pleasey please.

You "can't" book appointments in advance? Well Heavens to Betsy, what a fine system you have there. Almost as good as the rule that you can't take pushchairs with you.

So I have come up with the formula that Ernst Stavro Bastard must have used in his super secret lair high in the Pyrenees. The same man responsible for the genetic engineering of Kevin the Trainee Sales Rep, Double Glazing Door-Knockers and BT Helpline operators. No offence, like. Program your clones as follows:

1. Female. Mid 40's on. This might be a stereotype, but they are. I briefly worked at a major University practice (yep, if you were at Edinburgh Uni 18 years ago I read your notes and may well have drawn pictures in the margin or recommended you for gender reversal surgery) and it's true.

2. All men are bastards. Except doctors. They are to be worshipped on bended knee.

3. All students are skivers.

4. All medical receptionists have the medical diagnosis skills of Doctor Kildare with a copy of Blacks rammed up his jacksie. Forget NHS Direct, these gargoyles in, well gargoyle form know everything.

5. It is mandatory to let a phone ring for at least a minute before even thinking of answering it. If you are talking to Brenda about her nephew Nokia and his latest ASBO, then your private life has priority. As does tea, Hello magazine, and sharpening your fangs as you await darkness when you can swoop out of the night sky seeking the blood of the innocent.

6. Faxes must be shredded or binned BEFORE reading. Failure to misplace vital medical information on at least a daily basis will result in your expulsion from the union and your hob-nobs will be confiscated.

7. Every department of every hospital is incompetent compared to the GP surgery as it is always the hospital that has lost the results.

8. 'The System' will crash a minimum of six times a day, meaning that no work can be done, calls accepted, or anything apart from blaming the Helpdesk. As nothing exists in reality unless it is on 'The System' you will be left with a waiting room full of mummified former patients, GPs idly experimenting with naughty drugs, or throwing one up a nurse in the store cupboard.

9. Cardigans are mandatory.

10. Personal hygiene is not.





I may continue.





I do not have issues.
(osok Rebel without a clue, Tue 22 Jul 2008, 12:20, 8 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Big Fucking Click
Oh yes, many times have I come up against this bastion of bureaucracy.

Questions like "The next slot available is a fortnight on Tuesday, however you can arrange an urgent appointment today if you're very unwell?" - which means "you'll have to wait a fortnight unless its about to turn gangrenous and fall off".
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Tue 22 Jul 2008, 12:35, Reply)

No Issues...
But a job of sorts? Well done, and welcome back. ain't seen you about these parts lately!
( Fireflier La la la la, not listening on, Tue 22 Jul 2008, 12:51, Reply)

My ex-mother-in-law was one of these
Says it all really.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Tue 22 Jul 2008, 13:17, Reply)

Fireflier
Ta muchly. New job involves being away from home for 6 days out of 7 so posting not possible, my kids don't recognise me and the cats attack me.
(osok Rebel without a clue, Tue 22 Jul 2008, 13:31, Reply)

Hey!
I'm a medical receptionist.
Well Admin mainly, but still. Its unfair to tar us all with the same abusive brush! I'm well under thirty, don't wear a cardie, like to have regular showers n the like.
Maybe your practice has a dragon. but we're not all horrible.
And doctors surguries do book up super humanly fast. Sorry, but they do. I can't create appointments without doctors to see you all. (pouts) Mean! (the old adage really works btw. the nicer you are to us,n the nicer we are back! )
(weekirst23 Is broken! Silly ice. Silly High heels!, Tue 22 Jul 2008, 13:45, Reply)

Never mind just the receptionist....
My current issue with my surgery is that I required to have a Hep B vaccine for my Uni course, and so that I could work for the NHS. They were unable to provide this for me, even for a fee. Neither could they refer me to someone who could do it for me. WTF?! How can a doctor refuse to vaccinate someone like that? Would they rather treat me for liver disease?!
And back to the receptionist, when I asked where else I could try, she told me to phone the local hospital and ask for a department that she'd just invented, cos the nice people at the hospital had never heard of it.
Bastards!
(Moniker, Tue 22 Jul 2008, 14:03, Reply)

Massive Fucking Click.
Or, to quote the otherwise awful sitcom My Hero - featuring the queen of the evil receptionists - "What do you mean, your leg's broken? Take two aspirin and favour the other one!" Reminds me all too much of the uni medical centre, a place I will do literally anything to avoid and which has given me a lifelong hatred of doctors, much to Mr Maladicta's despair.
( Maladicta, Tue 22 Jul 2008, 18:25, Reply)

Clicks
Point 4 also applies to veterinary receptionists. I could happily strangle one at work who happily dispenses veterinary knowledge over the phone to a new client and then turns round to me and queries what she's just said. Now they'll come in and expect fuck knows what as they've been told it as concrete evidence by one of the wannabe nurses who after working there 2+ years, really ought to know better and should know better than to diagnose over the phone. Vets don't do it, nurses don't do it, so why the fuck do receptionists do it? Boils my piss everytime.

Moniker, you can get a Hep vaccine at your local hospital. I got mine done there as I was sick of waiting for my docs to sort one out for me last year.
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Tue 22 Jul 2008, 21:12, Reply)