I was doing a gig on Clapham Common a year or two ago
And the health and safety bloke that was working with us was an utter, utter cunt of the highest order. I was ready to batter him by the end of the day, as far as I'm concerned if we're employing a H&S cunt it's so he can go to bat for us with the ridiculous woman from Lambeth Council, not take her side on everything!

A sample conversation from the end of the day, when it was getting a bit dark (not THAT dark, as it was July). You can almost hear the gears grinding and the 'does...not...compute' error messages as his tiny mind tries to comprehend what I'm saying.

Him: Are you taking those speakers down without floodlights?
Me: Yes
Him: I don't think that's a wise idea
Me: Have you got any floodlights?
Him: No.
Me: Looks like we're taking them down without floodlights then
Him: I really don't think that's a good idea, you should use floodlights. It's getting dark.
Me: Have you got any floodlights?
Him: No.
Me: OK, we're carrying on then.
Him: I just think it's a bit dangerous, that's all.
Me: Have you got any floodlights?
Him: No.
Me: WELL FUCK OFF THEN YOU USELESS CUNT
Him: Can we wait until the morning? It will be safer then.
Me: Have you got some security guards to guard the gear, and a spare couple of grand for the extra day's equipment hire?
Him: No.
Me: Well looks like we're de rigging now then. And it's got darker in the half an hour it's taken me to explain this to you, well done.
Him: I'd just like to say I'm really unhappy about the lack of floodlights
Me: ..... *murderous rage*

I pretty much had to be physically restrained from battering the cunt. He was cadging fags off me all day as well!

So if you ever meet a short Asian H&S bloke called Vijay, chop him into tiny pieces and bury him in the woods before you start work. It will make your day a lot easier.

And if you happen to be reading this Vijay, I think you're a cunt. You'll know who I am.
(Son of Sam-i-am We're all as mad as hatters here, Tue 10 Feb 2009, 17:58, Reply)