You want the truth? You can't handle the truth!
Hello my name is Dave and I'm just 16 years old and last week I had an affair with a 95 year old woman. She lives in the flat upstairs and my curiosity got the better of me after spying on her big old tatty grey knickers hanging out to dry. You see if I tie myself on with my belt and hang over the edge of my balcony I can see her washing quite clearly, and the aid of my binoculars, I can even see where the manky old fanny batter and piss drips have rotted holes in the gusset. As you can imagine, this got me hornier than Johnathan King in Mothercare. [Phwoor, back in a sec]

I was determined to have my way with this little beauty. I would imaging her tits hanging pendulously like spaniel's ears with her nipples touching on her wrinkled belly. This would make my cock like a car jack in seconds. I used to go down in the lift to the cycle shed and sniff her saddle, masturbating furiously like a caged chimp.

I then began popping up to her flat to borrow a cup of maggots or sugar or anything I could think of just to stand close to her and breath in that wonderful aroma of piss and stale biscuits. Ahhhhhh I can almost tatse it. [Hang on, back in a sec]

Where was I, oh yes. One night I had drunk a litre of whiskey and was getting a bit tipsy. I plucked up the courage and took the lift to the next floor. I rang the bell, it was leaking a bit by now, I knocked on her door and there she was. Doris was wearing a lovely matinee dress with a high collar and a body warmer. She didn't have her teeth in which really gave me the right fucking horn, I can tell you. Oh for a long lingering gumjob off Doris. [Hang on back in a sec]

Where was I, oh yes. The booze was helping to calm my nerves, my heart was beating 10 to the dozen and then I faced her, stood as close as I dared and asked her, in a calm, yet assertive manner, "Doris? Would it be alright if I tongued out your baggy clunge?" To my delight and surprise she said "Yes." I nervously entered her flat. I got this lovely warm feeling in my feet as I had trod on one of her many cat's turds, all adding to the wonderful feelings that were stirring in my loins.

She lifted up her dress, I was drooling at the image of her bony fingers sliding up her thighs and there, at the top of her support stockings was the adorable sight of her knickers. They were once white, I imagine. There was a pale yellow map of Cyprus on the front and a shyte-stripe on the back. It looked like someone had drawn a pear on her arse with a Mars Bar. That was it. I stripped off all her clothes, ripped of my trousers and leather spiky pants and porked her right there and then. My mutton dagger was pumping in and out of her saggy old twat. I pulled it out fast making the sound like the last drop of ketchup at the burger van, and rammed it up her dung funnel. My cock was bigger than ever and that's saying something. In fact on the up stroke I swear I could feel her heart beating on the tip of my womb ferret's purple helmet. Just as I spuffed, her back broke with a resounding 'crack' which increased the pleasure ten fold. I politely left her a Cleavland Steamer on her chest and fucked off to work in as a primary school teacher. I'm quite into kids too, but that's another story for another day. Right hands up who came? ...1...2...OK
Now hands up who vomited? Aaaaaaand the vomit takes it.

Cleavland Steamer? See Urban Dictionary, It's on the internet. Oh and while you're there mine are
a. do a diana
b. squid's beak
( Captn Hood-Butter is not dead yet., Sun 7 Jun 2009, 19:37, 10 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Hello
Shouldn't this belong on QOTW?
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Sun 7 Jun 2009, 19:38, Reply)

Oh my.
What would Mrs Hood-Butter say?
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Sun 7 Jun 2009, 19:41, Reply)

Unsure
she's very lovely though and very sexy.
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Sun 7 Jun 2009, 19:42, Reply)

Oi!
Where's my fifty quid?
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Sun 7 Jun 2009, 19:42, Reply)

Well yeah
probably
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Sun 7 Jun 2009, 19:44, Reply)

Hmmph.

( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Sun 7 Jun 2009, 19:45, Reply)

Captain, Good Captain...
You sir, are a genius. And your Urban Dictionary entries are outstanding. :)
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Sun 7 Jun 2009, 20:18, Reply)

Nice!
*Grannyfive*
(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Sun 7 Jun 2009, 20:50, Reply)

Oh there you are, CHB.
*puts into bath chair*
*wheels back to /talk*
( thealternativefact, Sun 7 Jun 2009, 22:10, Reply)

well, I like this
/back in a minute.
( Tyronne Get To Falkirk, Mon 8 Jun 2009, 12:32, Reply)