Hello.
I've not been around here much of late. I've been busy, you see, planning my wedding. My first (and, dare I say it, current wife) doesn't know about this, and perhaps its just as well, given the scenario.

Funding is a bit of a problem, however, as we're getting married on the moon, so I'm looking for sponsorship that will enable me to hire the horse-drawn canoe to take us there. The Man in the Moon is performing the ceremony, and my old ace fighter pilot buddies are organising a fly past in some reconditioned X-Wing Fighters they found in a skip in Kuwait.

As a top anthropologist/doctor/fighter pilot, I shall of course reimburse every single penny once my latest patent for the rose-tinted spectacles I am developing is approved. If that doesn't work, then there's always the highly technical delusion-o-tron to fall back on.

I reckon a tenner a pop should do it, based on the number of users on here. That should pay the goods and leave enough left over for me to sue the tabloids for defamation of character.

Just make the cheques out to SMG industries and leave them next to the post box on West Road, Newcastle upon Tyne. I'll be nipping into the bookies tomorrow after I've been to the off licence, so I'll collect them then.

Ta.
(Craig Colclough I've been on the telly you know. And in the papers, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 19:19, 17 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I like this.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 19:27, Reply)

I say old bean,
your exploits sound rather similar to my own. I wonder if perhaps you'd care to join me for a drink in my club one of these days?
(Edmund has no idea what you mean, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 19:28, Reply)

Haha damn
You had me confused for a second there.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 19:29, Reply)

What ho, me old mucker.
Why, of course, it would be my delight to join you in a few drinkies. A few pints of Old Incorrigable, followed by cigars in the drawing room would be just the ticket, what?
(Craig Colclough I've been on the telly you know. And in the papers, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 19:44, Reply)

I have cigars
or..i know where to "half inch" them from
(smathels left-wing not feckin' chicken wing, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 19:46, Reply)

Jolly good.
You bring the cigars, and I'll bring the wife to be to demonstrate how she "smokes" them.

Sounds like a deal to me. Pip pip!
(Craig Colclough I've been on the telly you know. And in the papers, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 19:48, Reply)

Gigady Gigady
can't wait to see your other half sucking and blowing on my cigar
(smathels left-wing not feckin' chicken wing, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 20:02, Reply)

Top hole!
I'll have them get in a fresh barrel of unicorn tears and we'll watch the Aurora Borealis. Assuming of course that the old fighter jet is back from the shop, won't be able to make it to the pole on foot with this bum knee...
(Edmund has no idea what you mean, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 19:47, Reply)

Ooo i love it when talk all aristocratic

(smathels left-wing not feckin' chicken wing, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 20:00, Reply)

Oh How I love a Mills and Boon romance
And yours sounds just the ticket.

Never mind your current wife - I expect she's an old slapper with festering sores anyway.

Regrettably I'm strapped for brass at present. Will you accept Green Shield Stamps towards the dowry?
( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 19:29, Reply)

I should say.
Or TV licence stamps, if you can still get them. Haven't paid my licence for years, not since they cancelled Triangle. I feel it's about time I changed my ways since the Beeb contracted Graeme Norton. I'd hate to see him go short, y' know?

It's like my own contribution to gay, Irish stereotypes.
(Craig Colclough I've been on the telly you know. And in the papers, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 19:42, Reply)

The Poor Lad
And that Terry Wogan, eh?

Did you know that he works for a pittance? A PITTANCE!

And he's got a spud farm you know. Well he needs it to sup-le-ment his income off the BBC.

I'll tell you what they are - they're RACIST. YES RACIST that BBC against IRISH with WIGS.
( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 19:49, Reply)

Couldn't agree more old chap.
With any sponsorship left over I shall be founding a retirement home for aged Irish entertainers. It shall be made entirely of potatoes, and have a thatched roof fashioned from Sir Terry's old wigs, but because I'm a slightly twisted chap, I shall insist that the vegetable garden grows nothing but asparagus and curly kale.

Got to have some fun, what? The genius is that should restrospective planning permission be refused, the residents can eat the house! Cheaper than demolition.

I've thought this through; you can tell, can't you?
(Craig Colclough I've been on the telly you know. And in the papers, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 19:57, Reply)

Turf?
I think there ought to be turf that they can burn in the cruel Hibernian winter.

Could Val Doonican and Dave Allan live there if they're not already dead?
( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 20:09, Reply)

They booked up years ago, old bean.
And I think the "The Valster", as he likes to be known, is still alive. I could be wrong; however, Dave is already ensconsed on a stool in what will be the basement. In a neat touch, instead of a glass of cold tea pretending to be whisky next to him, I've actually placed his missing finger in some embalming fluid. I found it on E-Bay a couple of years ago; apparently he lost it in a fight with a midget priest who took offence at his routine.

Did you know that the pipes in the building will be lagged with the Valster's old cardigans? Recycling; it's the way to go. Hopefully the heat from the pipes will melt the stains off, though.
(Craig Colclough I've been on the telly you know. And in the papers, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 20:14, Reply)

Thank you
I'd been a little worried about the welfare of those old troopers.

Now I must retire - EVERYBODY knows that the best mushrooms are picked at daybreak and an early bed for me will net the choicest fungi tomorrow.

But may I say that your presence here this evening has been as the gentlest waft of air from the tenderest butterfly's wing, for you and your misbegotten offspring, whilst tedious, are a damnded sight more entertaining than the usual OT empire.
( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 20:26, Reply)

Oh, jolly good.
Good luck with the mushroom picking and remember, avoid the ones with the red and white caps with the gnomes living in them, there's a good chap.
(Craig Colclough I've been on the telly you know. And in the papers, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 21:23, Reply)