Now then.
You may have heard about this young lad who received a Certificate in Using Public Transport (Unit 1) when he hopped on to a bus in Manchester, as part of an initiative to improve the self-reliance of youngsters.

Here at Slip Digby Education (Part of the SDEnterprises Group), we think it's abominable that the people of Manchester are getting all the free certificate action. And so it is with great pleasure, and minimal market research, that we announce the latest Slip Initiative:

The Slip Digby Diploma: Facililtating A Journey From A to B in London Using Rail-Based Transport in Primary Commuting Periods, Level One (1):1.

In order to complete this diploma, the candidate will demonstrate the ability to:

1) Walk, run, cycle or Heely to a local London Underground station
2) Fiddle in pocket/handbag for Oyster Card while at the barriers, holding up people behind you
3) Apporach platform, taking care not to cross the yellow line
4) Wait for a train
5) Wait for a train
6) Complain about why the train hasn't come yet and why it's a travesty considering how much you pay each month
7) Force your way on to the train even if there's no space
8) Read a copy of Metro cover to cover (without bleeding from your ears), using the head of the man in front as a resting post
9) Sweat, further complaining
10) Exit the train through the crowded throng at the door, while swearing indiscriminately at other tube users

If these aspects are completed successfuly, please send TEN ENGLISH POUNDS to SDEnterprises, Inc., and we will send you a certificate and you will be the envy (and most highly educated) of all your friends.
(Slip Digby is a meat puppet, Fri 14 Aug 2009, 10:18, 20 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Hahaha!
My favourite isn't on the list though.
"Sweat profusely as the train stops in a tunnel outside Kings Cross for ten minutes. Laugh to self as small bald man manages to wedge his head in your armpit."
( Cawl, Fri 14 Aug 2009, 10:21, Reply)

This is in the advanced module
I can already see you will be a good student, with the potential one day to be a course instructor!
(Slip Digby is a meat puppet, Fri 14 Aug 2009, 10:26, Reply)

Excellent!
I think that I could tutor in the "Large Objects On The Train" module.
Guitars in a hard-case a speciality.
( Cawl, Fri 14 Aug 2009, 10:32, Reply)

Do I get any extras
if an odd man in a yellow jumper mutters, 'Nice tits,' at me as I go past.
( thealternativefact, Fri 14 Aug 2009, 10:28, Reply)

Depends on your response.
Minus points for blushing.
Bonus points for violence or a witty retort.
( Cawl, Fri 14 Aug 2009, 10:29, Reply)

I just said,
'Thank you.'
( thealternativefact, Fri 14 Aug 2009, 10:31, Reply)

Merit,
But not distinction.
( Cawl, Fri 14 Aug 2009, 10:32, Reply)

Sounds to me like you're the ideal student for an upcoming course:
The Slip Digby Degree in Understanding Lechery and Witty Retorts

Course fees are only £40 and include 1 to 1 tuition with Me, Slip Digby.
(Slip Digby is a meat puppet, Fri 14 Aug 2009, 10:34, Reply)

Will you lech?

( thealternativefact, Fri 14 Aug 2009, 10:35, Reply)

For an extra £20,
Yes, he will.
( Cawl, Fri 14 Aug 2009, 10:38, Reply)

is a bear catholic?

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 14 Aug 2009, 10:39, Reply)

I guess so,
They've certainly got the mass.
( Cawl, Fri 14 Aug 2009, 10:40, Reply)

boom boom!

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 14 Aug 2009, 10:48, Reply)

I hope this is the sound of you shooting Kaol.

( thealternativefact, Fri 14 Aug 2009, 10:48, Reply)

I think I'm going to allow this.

( Cawl, Fri 14 Aug 2009, 10:54, Reply)

*gun to head*
*hollowpoint love*
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Fri 14 Aug 2009, 10:48, Reply)

Does the Pope shit in the woods?

(Slip Digby is a meat puppet, Fri 14 Aug 2009, 11:10, Reply)

Depends on what you're wearing, sugar tits.

(Slip Digby is a meat puppet, Fri 14 Aug 2009, 11:10, Reply)

*signs up*

( thealternativefact, Fri 14 Aug 2009, 11:24, Reply)

Guest Lectures:
Prof. Coopsweb - Guest Lecturer

1) Door Holding for Beginners - Wedge yourself in the Train Doors so your drunken mate can catch the train, while delaying everyone else.
2) Advanced Vehicle Vomiting - Learn to spew partially digested alcohol all over the carriage.
3) Flushing 101 - Pulling the Emergency cord in the toilet because the flush button is normally red and says 'Emergency'??!??
4) Optional Drama Module - Pretend to throw/push your mate infront of the train as it hurtles through the station at 100mph.
5) Advanced Drama Module - Stand on the platform and tap your wristwatch and glare at the driver as the train arrives 30 seconds late. - Train Drivers LOVE that one.

All lectures will include mandatory Verbal Abuse course elements, including topics such as "I pay your wages" - "The Driver is a c*nt" and the ever popular "Yes, I've had alot to drink, but why didn't you wake me up at MY stop".

I hate commuters.
( HSDriver was probably still at work on, Fri 14 Aug 2009, 12:45, Reply)