Today's motoring awards
The awards committee have been very busy today, oh yes. Firstly, the "not a motor vehicle, but deserving of an honourable mention" award goes to the two cyclists who adopted a policy of "let's ride side by side and ignore the queue of cars behind us for several miles through a village because we're cool". The "trucker's co-operation" award goes to the three trucks and two caravans, none of whom could go faster than 60mph, but all of whom decided to spend nearly ten motorway miles trying to overtake each other building up a queue worthy of rush-hour on the M4.

The "less lane discipline than a stampeding herd of cows" goes to the FedEx lorry. His outstanding failure to be in the correct lane means that this award doesn't feel like it goes far enough, but still, I'm sure he'll appreciate it. He managed to be in the turn left only lane of a motorway junction roundabout and spectacularly turned right - his utter ignorance of what was going on around him only serves to further justify this award. I counted four near accidents on his way around, and he gets the bonus prize for not using any form of indicators throughout the maneuver. However, he was able to lip-read the word 'cunt', which I felt only partially expressed my astonishment at his driving prowess.

The "Mr Magoo" award went to the ugliest Citroen I've ever seen. Despite being on the brow of a hill looking across the valley thus ensuring he had a good two miles worth of perfect visibility, he was able to not see the stationary traffic. I briefly prepared myself for a brown trousers moment that could have in fact led to something redder and more hospitalising, but he spotted the upcoming technical challenge at the last moment and managed to execute a fast change of lane or two and avoid parking his car in the back of mine or the car in the lane next to me. It would be wrong for this award to go to anyone else.

Finally, the "Fuck everyone else" award goes to the mini-bus who sat in the outside lane doing a steady 50mph on the motorway seemingly oblivious to the rest of the traffic. Some daring motorists engaged in a little light Sunday inside overtaking including a motorbike that did it at such speed that he gets the "I'll be dead by Christmas" award. In the end, someone undertook me, pulled in in-front and was considerably more forceful with light flashing that eventually led to what turned out to be an OAP driver finally moving into the inside lane. I briefly spotted him move back to the outside lane in my mirror - hence all the other fucknuggets that day with fuck all idea of what lane they should be in pale into insignificance due to this one.

Thank fuck it's nearly wine-o-clock.

What has ground your bones, sunk your boat or burnt your temper today? If your day has been jolly and your temper is fine, feel free to recommend which colour wine I should drink.

Fuck me, the words, folks, the words.
(Deadly Octopus no deaths since, Sun 27 Sep 2009, 17:14, 16 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

That was...
... impressively written and frightfully entertaining. Well done sir!

I was in the middle lane of the A1M today, overtaking an OAP doing 50 (!) when he suddenly decided to pull out. His plans were scuppered however, as I was actually in the middle lane and he saw me at the last moment and had to swerve.

*sigh*
( Axai is in Montréal, Canada O.o, Sun 27 Sep 2009, 17:44, Reply)

Yeah, the citroen was the most terrifying of the lot...
... the others I could just hang back and avoid. It really astonishes me that some road users are able to motor for more than a minute before dying.

So which colour wine should I enjoy to calm my frayed nerves, do you think? A sharp crisp white, a nice round rose or a full-bodied red? I'm trying to work out which is best for post-motoring-trauma.
(Deadly Octopus no deaths since, Sun 27 Sep 2009, 17:56, Reply)

With so many close shaves
It can only be red.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Sun 27 Sep 2009, 17:57, Reply)

You're right, of course.
Red it is.

*pop*, goes the cork...
(Deadly Octopus no deaths since, Sun 27 Sep 2009, 18:05, Reply)

very nicely written indeed
and sounds like a day fraught with excitement
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Sun 27 Sep 2009, 18:17, Reply)

*blush*
It was indeed. Which is why I am engaging in the exact opposite of excitement ce soir. I am now a third of the way through this nerve calming red and it is doing a stand-up job of causing relaxation by alcohol. All in all, I give it 8 out of 10 grapes.
(Deadly Octopus no deaths since, Sun 27 Sep 2009, 19:05, Reply)

I just snapped my G string D:

( Maladicta, Sun 27 Sep 2009, 18:25, Reply)

You're not talking about underwear, are you...

(Deadly Octopus no deaths since, Sun 27 Sep 2009, 19:06, Reply)

... or are you?

Awaits panda picture
(Deadly Octopus no deaths since, Sun 27 Sep 2009, 19:07, Reply)

Nope ;) for the record, that kind of G-string is a subtle form of torture.
I bought a cheap guitar from my local boot fair today and have spent most of the day alternately twanging and trying to tune it properly. G string went PING about half an hour ago :( eh, you get what you pay for. New strings have since been ordered...
( Maladicta, Sun 27 Sep 2009, 19:10, Reply)

I trust you've ordered a 6 pack
... of ALL of the strings that you require?
(Deadly Octopus no deaths since, Sun 27 Sep 2009, 19:13, Reply)

Yep.
Although it would not be unlike me to order a pack of 6 G strings and wonder why they all sound the same...
( Maladicta, Sun 27 Sep 2009, 19:16, Reply)

Indeed...
... that sounds alarmingly like the sort of absent mindedness I'd fall for too. Still, it would lead to an interesting branch of music.
(Deadly Octopus no deaths since, Sun 27 Sep 2009, 19:35, Reply)

Wouldn't sound worse than anything in the charts
these days, amirite?
( Maladicta, Sun 27 Sep 2009, 19:38, Reply)

Why yes, yes indeed
So yes, youarerite. I look forward to seeing G in G string on iTunes.
(Deadly Octopus no deaths since, Sun 27 Sep 2009, 19:56, Reply)

I will get right on that
when the strings arrive :)
( Maladicta, Sun 27 Sep 2009, 20:03, Reply)