Aber!
How the devil are you, my dear?
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 16 Sep 2010, 10:46, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

Not too bad, love
(What's it with "love" and Runcorn? Everybody calls me love here)

Recovering from a cold, tired and getting a bit stressed. Of around 300 people invited I'm waiting for 200 to say something, 50 have said yes and 50 have said no. I don't understand why I have to chase people for this!

And how are you? You won something recently, didn't you? What was it?
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 16 Sep 2010, 10:52, Reply)

I'm very well thank you honey
We didn't win anything sadly but we came fourth in a National competition, which is easily our best result to date. Thank you for asking. We'll win next time. Maybe.

I can't comment on the invitation thing as I'm still waiting for mine to arrive
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 16 Sep 2010, 10:54, Reply)

Oh, well
If people keeps not replying or saying no, we'll have to invite some b3tans over. Is it bad manners here to invite someone only after you've realised that you have some room left? Will you be happy to travel to Tenerife on January?

And a 4th place of how many? Sounds quite impressive, unless it was only 4 participating. What did you do?
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 16 Sep 2010, 10:57, Reply)

Tenerife or Norwich... in January. I'm sure I'll cope
Unless it's the second weekend of the month, in which case we'll be at another competition in Blackpool!

There were 17 couples competing and they all had to win a regional competition to qualify, like we did, so there were no completely hopeless types which made it all the sweeter. We came 4th in Ballroom and had to dance Waltz and Quickstep to do so. Our (well, my) Latin remains bobbins, sadly.

Invitations aside, how are preparations going?
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 16 Sep 2010, 11:01, Reply)

You won't believe me
But yes, it's the second weekend of January, so sorry.

You must feel quite smug now. Being 4th out of 17 is pretty good. Now, to practise your salsas and tangos! Or maybe sevillanas?

Two days ago the photographer cancelled, so I spent yesterday trying to find another. We haven't signed contracts with the Finca or the catering service yet, because... I don't know why... they don't have them ready... We don't know yet the price of the menu (we have an idea, but have made quite a lot of changes)... and it's less than 4 months to go.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 16 Sep 2010, 11:05, Reply)

Yeah, this is why I'm not getting married
It's nowt to do with not being able to persuade Ms Foxtrot that it's a good idea, it's all about the organisation
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 16 Sep 2010, 11:07, Reply)

But at least with you the "first dance" would be rather less awkward and embarrassing than most people's.

(Cave Duck, Thu 16 Sep 2010, 11:12, Reply)

That's the one part of the idea I've got her sold on
Foxtrot to a song I won't divulge here. The more I talk about it the more she loves the idea. Hopefully eventually it will be sufficient to help her overlook the ghastly horror of being married to me
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 16 Sep 2010, 11:16, Reply)

You don't need to do a traditional wedding party
Do a dancing wedding party. I'm sure she'll love that.

Mine is not going to be traditional, but doing things that we like, but I can't say much because BGB would miss the surprises.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 16 Sep 2010, 11:20, Reply)

Good strategising.
Actually, you could probaly make a living by hiring yourselves out to perform first dances on other people's behalf, as it does seem to cause undue stress. The happy couple could then follow you with something they can just jump about to in a non self concious way.
(Cave Duck, Thu 16 Sep 2010, 11:23, Reply)

Did that once
Choreographed a Rumba for some friends to "As The World Falls Down" from Labyrinth. You read that correctly. Bizzarely some other friends are having exactly that as their first dance. It's not ideal as the timing is slightly quicker than a strict tempo Rumba. Bloody amateurs
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 16 Sep 2010, 11:28, Reply)

It's not so bad
(it is quite, really)

I just got a phone call from my mother. The Bishop has agreed and I have his permission to marry Mark! Ey!
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 16 Sep 2010, 11:15, Reply)

Fantastic news
Congratulations :-)
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 16 Sep 2010, 11:17, Reply)

Thank you!
And finally. It's been 4 months of sorting papers. It should be all easy from now.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 16 Sep 2010, 11:18, Reply)

That means you'll be a GROWN-UP soon
Can we still be friends after that?
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 16 Sep 2010, 11:21, Reply)

Yes, of course
But only if you teach our kids to dance, eh?
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 16 Sep 2010, 11:23, Reply)

It's a deal
But assuming your children are gorgeous and adorable, Ms Foxtrot will be annoyed with you for filling my head with ideas of making our own
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 16 Sep 2010, 11:29, Reply)

Honey?
If you didn't like football I'd totally call you a bender.
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Thu 16 Sep 2010, 11:04, Reply)

(I do anyway)

(LongJohnBaldry, Thu 16 Sep 2010, 11:04, Reply)

He sounds like it, doesn't he?
It's so sweet and nice. No wonder he's going out with a beauty.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 16 Sep 2010, 11:05, Reply)

And this is why I love you

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 16 Sep 2010, 11:06, Reply)

Oh, well
You know it's mutual, but we can't say here, because some people gets upset with it :)
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 16 Sep 2010, 11:13, Reply)

Ooh, really? Who?
I'm intrigued as to which miscreants are covetous of our special bond
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 16 Sep 2010, 11:17, Reply)

Monty and Chompy
And I think Vipros have complained several times about us having internet-quasi-sex, so I'm keeping it all quiet since then.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 16 Sep 2010, 11:22, Reply)

What in the name of hell?
How bitter are these people?

Oh, Monty and Chompy, you say? That answers my question quite nicely
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 16 Sep 2010, 11:30, Reply)

you might be the nicest person in the world.

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Thu 16 Sep 2010, 11:08, Reply)

Now, now
You're making me blush, boy.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 16 Sep 2010, 11:14, Reply)

Unlike Bert, the incest person in the world.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 16 Sep 2010, 11:22, Reply)

He is still here somewhere watching. Stop making him happy.

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Thu 16 Sep 2010, 11:23, Reply)

Splendid. Quite, quite splendid.
Not quite as good as "The dog started baking" though.
(Cave Duck, Thu 16 Sep 2010, 11:25, Reply)

Crowsephine!
Ignore the haters, just roll it out one more time. You know how it makes me chuckle, darling
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 16 Sep 2010, 11:06, Reply)

^ reading this made me feel ill.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 16 Sep 2010, 11:08, Reply)

ill ROCK HARD
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Thu 16 Sep 2010, 11:09, Reply)

Oh, just for you then, gorgeous
++BUMDER ALERT++BUMDER ALERT++

WE HAVE REPORTED SIGHTING OF A BUMDER ON THIS BOARD. WE THOUGHT HE'D GONE AWAY OR POSSIBLY JUST BALLROOM DANCED RIGHT UP HIS OWN WELL-PLOUGHED ARSEHOLE, BUT HE'S BACK. THE SAME BUMDER DEEMED A PUBLIC MENACE ON AN ALMOST DAILY BASIS FOR THE LAST 6 MONTHS HAS RETURNED AND WILL MOST LIKELY WANT TO BUMDERISE YOU. ALL PATRONS OF THIS BOARD ARE ADVISED TO KEEP THEIR ARSES FIRMLY CLOSED IN THE INTERESTS OF NOT BEING BUMMED. MAKE SURE YOUR WINDOWS ARE CLOSED, THE WALLS ARE REINFORCED AND THE DOORS ARE LOCKED. PARTICULARLY THE BACK ONE. ++BUMDER ALERT++BUMDER ALERT++
(LongJohnBaldry, Thu 16 Sep 2010, 11:10, Reply)

Click click click
In the words of Dr Lilith Sternin, you still have a direct line to my funnybone
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 16 Sep 2010, 11:14, Reply)

Hahaha

(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 16 Sep 2010, 11:15, Reply)

^ Monty, do you have any spare sickbags?

(LongJohnBaldry, Thu 16 Sep 2010, 11:15, Reply)

Sorry, I think I'm going to need all these myself.
Use your shoes.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 16 Sep 2010, 11:18, Reply)

You love me

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 16 Sep 2010, 11:19, Reply)

You want that to beat katy perrys tits to the top of the popular page?

(PsychoChomp, Thu 16 Sep 2010, 11:17, Reply)

OK, so who hears this as Norm Lovett, and who hears it as Hattie Hayridge?
I tend towards the former, probably because he was the first Holly I was aware of. I've also seen him do stand-up, which was good, but you had to concentrate pretty hard to get all the jokes though ...
(BrianHequator was stretching owls, on, or around, Thu 16 Sep 2010, 11:18, Reply)

Norman Lovett is and always will be Holly
There was nowt wrong with Hattie Hayridge per se, but she had an insurmountably hard act to follow
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 16 Sep 2010, 11:22, Reply)

why did he leave ?or was he pushed?

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Thu 16 Sep 2010, 11:28, Reply)

He left
to focus on his own projects, none of which received the recognition they deserved
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 16 Sep 2010, 11:30, Reply)

I was going to say I haven't seen him since.

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Thu 16 Sep 2010, 11:31, Reply)

Which rules out the possibility of him being Bert
He had his own sitcom in the late 80's called I, Lovett and obviously did a lot of stand-up
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 16 Sep 2010, 11:38, Reply)

Hello Brian, how's tricks?
(Oh, and, as the daft bugger that writes these, I personally hear it more as a combination of Brian Blessed and General Sir Anthony Cecil Hogmanay Melchett)
(LongJohnBaldry, Thu 16 Sep 2010, 12:13, Reply)

Norman all the way, he is my namesake after all.

(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Thu 16 Sep 2010, 16:19, Reply)

He's SUCH a bender
that benders bully him for being a bender.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 16 Sep 2010, 11:06, Reply)

...as do insecure men on the internet

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 16 Sep 2010, 11:07, Reply)

And perfectly secure ones, too.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 16 Sep 2010, 11:08, Reply)

And old grannies in the street.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 16 Sep 2010, 11:09, Reply)

Like Monty has hadn't it up the chuff once or twice.
The amount of drugs he shoehorns into his time ravaged carcass I doubt he would be aware of it anyway.
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Thu 16 Sep 2010, 11:08, Reply)

I've had cocaine blown up my arse.
But it was by a monumentally tidy woman. So that makes it perfectly OK in my book*

*'Monty Boyce's Bumper Book of Deviancy'. In all good shops now.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 16 Sep 2010, 11:10, Reply)

I have no response to this other than I have just spat Rio over my screen laughing.
edit - click
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Thu 16 Sep 2010, 11:11, Reply)

I wish I could pretend that I wouldn't buy that
but I so would. Am also intrigued as to the comparative benefits of absorbing cocaine via the anus rather than the nostril, if you'd care to divulge
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 16 Sep 2010, 11:13, Reply)

thin membrane up your arse innit.

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Thu 16 Sep 2010, 11:14, Reply)

Only 'cause his has been practically worn through by an endless series of penises and plastic action figures

(LongJohnBaldry, Thu 16 Sep 2010, 11:15, Reply)

Any particular plastic action figures?
I imagine a ken or barbie may be fairly uncomfortable but an army figurine? could be ok.
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Thu 16 Sep 2010, 11:22, Reply)

Two Gamorrean Guards and an Ewok.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 16 Sep 2010, 11:30, Reply)

In what formation you savage?

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Thu 16 Sep 2010, 11:31, Reply)

Testudo.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 16 Sep 2010, 11:48, Reply)

It's a fairly thin membrane with plenty of blood vessels near the surface
much like the nostril in that respect. When you simply cannot fit any more up your nose, it's an option. Just ask Stevie Nicks. And Kate Moss.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 16 Sep 2010, 11:16, Reply)

Does it work the other way round?
i.e., have Stevie or Kate ever been DP'ed up the nose?
(LongJohnBaldry, Thu 16 Sep 2010, 11:17, Reply)

It's easier to ask you. See above for details
So it's a backup plan rather than a preferential method of administration?
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 16 Sep 2010, 11:18, Reply)

For me, yes.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 16 Sep 2010, 11:20, Reply)

Met a chap at InFest who was banging on about the wonders of DMT
Thought of you. Not least since he had blue hair, was wearing a LOT of make-up, and was deep in a K-hole at the time
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 16 Sep 2010, 11:23, Reply)

Ugh.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 16 Sep 2010, 11:30, Reply)

That's what I said when I was offered some
I was quite sufficiently off my tits without any help of that nature, thank you
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 16 Sep 2010, 11:31, Reply)

k-hole = ketamine?

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Thu 16 Sep 2010, 11:33, Reply)

Fucking filthy stuff.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 16 Sep 2010, 11:38, Reply)

Indeed
Also, K-Hole = AVOID

In my opinion
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 16 Sep 2010, 11:38, Reply)

dude I smoke weed and eat mushrooms when available
I only have one kidney so tend to stay away from chemically shit.
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Thu 16 Sep 2010, 11:42, Reply)

I suppose you sold the other one to pay for your vile habits?

(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Thu 16 Sep 2010, 16:30, Reply)

DMT is not a party drug.
It's closer to a religious vision and not to be taken lightly.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 16 Sep 2010, 11:39, Reply)

The more I hear of this DMT stuff the less inclined I am to indulge
As I was saying to bobby the other day, my hedonistic MASSIVE DRUGS days are well and truly behind me, to the extent that InFest weekend was a remarkably isolated incident over the course of the last 18 months. so it'd probably kill me

/end clever ploy to encourage Monty to get me some DMT
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 16 Sep 2010, 11:44, Reply)

It's really, really heavy duty.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 16 Sep 2010, 11:47, Reply)

am googling it now, never heard of DMT

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Thu 16 Sep 2010, 11:48, Reply)

I have to say it's the most incredible substance I've ever taken.
Like taking about 100 hits of LSD - for about 5 minutes.

I am faintly evangelical about it. Each time I have smoked it, it's done me the power of good. Really good for positive mental outlook and a general feeling of wellbeing. When it wears off you see the world afresh -but there's also a definite element of being relieved that you are 'back in the room' too.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 16 Sep 2010, 11:53, Reply)

Reading the chemistry behind it
looks quite interesting. Like I said above I stick to weed and mushrooms. I want to try opium but have never met anyone who can get me any.
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Thu 16 Sep 2010, 11:55, Reply)

It's fucking great, unfortunately.
You can see how China was fucking ruined by it.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 16 Sep 2010, 11:59, Reply)

I will def do it when I get the chance.

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Thu 16 Sep 2010, 12:00, Reply)