always always always
double check your reflection before leaving the house/ladies etc. wise words from my aunt, which have saved me from being seen in public over the years with a variety of mascara smudges, lipstick or red wine stains trapped in my braces or teeth (depending on age!), unsuitable underwear showing through clothes, ladders in tights, unmatching socks or shoes...

and yesterday morning saved me from mass humiliation on a grand scale. i had to give a talk to about 40 lawyers, most of whom were older and much more qualified than i am, and i was very nervous. my hands were shaking as i put on my smart lawyer look - black suit, white shirt.

over the weekend i had bought some new underwear at m&s. i was wearing my new "hoist them up from around your kneecaps and make them look like a 16year old's" bra and the effect was pretty damn impressive. if you like looking like the prow of a ship, anyway. which i don't, but until i can afford harley street, it is what it is. but i digress.... there was something on the bra... something that was showing through the sheer white shirt...... what did that say??!

it was a round black sticker, which for some reason m & s thought it was a good idea to put on their bras. which announced in blaring capital letters:

TOUCH ME

oh yeah, really the impression i wanted to give, marauding around after the seminar talking about the landlord and tenant act 1954 with that written across my left nipple........ stupid m & s.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 24 Jun 2008, 12:35, 30 replies)

If I had to sit
through a lecture on the Landlord and Tenant act of 1954, I would rather do it while an attractive women with boobs like the prow of a ship had the words touch me emblazoned on her left nipple.
(Bazongaloid, Tue 24 Jun 2008, 12:41, closed)

yeah
but you couldn't have read it until AFTER you'd already sat through the lecture.

by which point you may well already have died of boredom.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 24 Jun 2008, 12:45, closed)

I think
the possibility of nipples afterwards (not forgetting the awesome cleavage during) would allow me to cling on to life long enough to make it through.
(Bazongaloid, Tue 24 Jun 2008, 12:52, closed)

^What al said
Plus the fact that one wouldn't be listening to the dull talk enough to be bored by it, what with such distractions on display.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Tue 24 Jun 2008, 12:53, closed)

Oooo! Sexy M&S
I would wear that sticker with pride and more than a little hope.
( girlinthehole, Tue 24 Jun 2008, 12:55, closed)

Yet more breast related disasters!
Your life is like one giant Carry On film, isn't it? And we love you for it. Apart from sirpigeonthingy, but he's patently mad in the brain.

B3ta wouldn't be the same without you.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 24 Jun 2008, 12:57, closed)

I think
your posts are all the better for the lack of sirpigeontwunts involvement.

In fact, since he's ignoring you, he won't know we're slagging him off!

Although I feel sometimes that your posts need more descriptions of the breasts i.e. milky, soft, heaving, moist etc.
(Bazongaloid, Tue 24 Jun 2008, 13:00, closed)

This is advice I will be following TO THE LETTER from now on.
I've just come home from a job interview and realised my fly was undone the whole time.

At least they were nice pants.
( Maladicta, Tue 24 Jun 2008, 13:06, closed)

MILKY, MOIST BREASTS???
Is there something you wish to share with us al?
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 24 Jun 2008, 13:19, closed)

Hmmm. I think I've seen something like this before...

( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Tue 24 Jun 2008, 13:19, closed)

Actually
I'm a bit worried now, as they were just the first words that popped into my head.

@TRL is that rachelswipe then?
(Bazongaloid, Tue 24 Jun 2008, 13:25, closed)

Reminds me...
I used to have a female colleague called Pat. Pat was, shall we say, extremely gifted in the chest department. When the Agency started thinking it had better be more corporate in its outlook to business, it decided that the first step would be to issue name badges to all the staff who had to face the public, of which Pat was one...

Cue much hilarity ensuing: "Is that an invitation", or, "What's the other one called?"

Good job she was also plentifully endowed with a sense of the ridiculous and never took offence.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 24 Jun 2008, 13:25, closed)

@al
I would hope that Ms. Swipe doesn't sag as much as that girl does.

Plus she's prettier than that- I've seen her HoN pic.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Tue 24 Jun 2008, 13:28, closed)

@TRL
I know it's not really her, she posted a pic on her profile for a little while.

Where is the b3ta hot or not?
(Bazongaloid, Tue 24 Jun 2008, 13:30, closed)

It was
on a post of Legless' a couple of weeks back. can't remember which one now.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 24 Jun 2008, 13:33, closed)

b3ta hotoronot
is here.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Tue 24 Jun 2008, 13:37, closed)

@ al
scoreboards.hotornot.com/b3tards?invite=6620E955GRKLGE

seems to be the one, i think

i am a truly special 90th or something thrilling. also, i seem to have had about 800 people vote for me, not 200 like everyone else, i suspect sabotage.

meh, having a bust like a page 3 girl is not a good thing. it means never being able to go out without a bra, men talking to it, lucky lucky flat chested girls eyeing it, being barred from the really cute underwear...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 24 Jun 2008, 13:38, closed)

@swipe
I'm desperately trying to feel sympathy for you. But I think something in my genetic make up is making it impossible. I do sympathise though, my girlfriend has similar breast issues. Especially at the gym.

Incidentally, Devil in Tights is rated hotter than you. I can't believe that.

And TRL, you sly dog you.
(Bazongaloid, Tue 24 Jun 2008, 13:44, closed)

@ al
b3tans such as theloon and k626 and you are such charmers that the photo is irrelevant, great or not so great!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 24 Jun 2008, 13:48, closed)

As I've said a number of times
I have no idea how a 45 year old American in a blurry pic taken at a distance on top of a mountain in July ended up at the top of the heap. A 9.9 I ain't, at least not physically. I suspect that people were being generous because of the goofy stories I tell.

EDIT: and as I glanced at my reply when it appeared, for a moment I thought rachelswipe had said "goat or not so goat." I need coffee.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Tue 24 Jun 2008, 13:51, closed)

I haven't yet subjected myself to this
Partly because I now look nothing like my profile pics (no longer have yellow hair for starters, plus there's now the presence of facial hair), but also partly because I couldn't handle being lower down the list than Legless *sobs*

kidding
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 24 Jun 2008, 13:54, closed)

oh yeah
and sirpigeonilliteratetwat is a total and utter nob.

i feel sorry for his kids. i mean, to us he's just a twat, but to them... he's their dad...

not his missus though. she chose to sleep with him.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 24 Jun 2008, 13:54, closed)

@Mr Loon
I don't think it was B3ta members who voted you to the top of the list. I think it was all the middle aged horny women who saw your pic and voted : )
( girlinthehole, Tue 24 Jun 2008, 14:09, closed)

@BGB
No idea. I can't access it from here, but as I recall I only had something like 62 votes and that has not increased since we started that contest. I think it's the b3ta readers.

It's not a terrible pic, mind you, it's just... well, I dunno, not particularly hot. I'm flattered, but also quite puzzled...
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Tue 24 Jun 2008, 14:23, closed)

@BGB
so, er, I know this will get me a slap but it's too much of a set up to let go, did you vote for him then?
(Bazongaloid, Tue 24 Jun 2008, 14:24, closed)

@Al
I certainly did... and quite a few times ; )

Edit - just realised I'm a middle aged horny women.

*slaps Al*
( girlinthehole, Tue 24 Jun 2008, 14:26, closed)

*enjoys*

oooooh yeah, do it again.
(Bazongaloid, Tue 24 Jun 2008, 14:29, closed)

*Stops slapping Al*
*Remembers that she can charge for services like that*


*Points finger and admonishes instead*
( girlinthehole, Tue 24 Jun 2008, 14:32, closed)

Hot or Not
I'm a proud 256th!

Boy oh boy! It's clearly extremely good luck that I ever managed to produce offspring with that sort of rating.

Not that I'm bitter or anything.


*bitters*
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Tue 24 Jun 2008, 16:39, closed)

And the one at the Number One spot
isn't even one of us, and is in fact a spammer.

Sorry, Chickenlady- I voted for you!
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Tue 24 Jun 2008, 21:18, closed)