The WORST advice anyone could ever give me
Would begin with the phrase "If I were you, I would..."

Doesn't matter what the advice would be after that, I will have officially stopped listening to you at that point and would be fixing you with a scowl that would shrivel the bollocks / tits off you (delete as appropriate) in an instant.

Honestly. give me advice, sure, but don't presume that you would act in a certain way 'if you were me'. If you were me, you would be subject to my thought processes and therefore be acting in a predetermined manner according to the circumstance with which I was faced.

Therefore, you'd be me, scowling at you, for making a half arsed assumption about how you would act if you were me, whilst simultaneously wishing you would fuck off.

Then your tits / bollocks would shrivel and fall off.

Does this make sense to anyone? I think I got a bit lost there...

Aplogies for the slight pearoast there, too
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 24 Jun 2008, 15:45, 14 replies)

IT'S JUST A PRECURSOR TO GIVING YOU ADVICE UNDER THE PRETENCE THAT THE ADVICE IS BEING GIVEN WITH YOUR BEST INTEREST AT HEART.

Don't think the above makes sense. Apologies for retardery
( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Tue 24 Jun 2008, 15:48, closed)

If you were I
Good point regards the "if I were you.." rubbish.

Along similar lines, best advice I've ever been given was by me mam: "Don't listen to advice"

(I'm from Teesside. Forgive the "me mam", it just flows better even when I write it)
(yearsofpractice, Tue 24 Jun 2008, 15:56, closed)

Well, If I were you,
I'd be living in a different country that I'm in and I'd be a man.

I think I'll stay me, no offense. But I do agree with what you have to say here.
( flirting with badgers What? It sounded good at the time., Tue 24 Jun 2008, 15:58, closed)

^That's OK
I've a good friend lives on Teesside. And also I know the advice is being given with my best interests at heart, but it still hacks me off when it begins with that phrase.

*EDIT* thanks FWB. No offense taken.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 24 Jun 2008, 15:59, closed)

Re: "If I were you, I would..."

I'm in full agreement, you're not me, so fuck off and don't try and advise me.

My old supervisor, who was the biggest c*nt imaginable used that line countless times whilst making my life a misery, and now it always pisses me off when people say it to me.
(Kia Ora it's 2 orangey 4 crows, it's just 4 me and my dog, Tue 24 Jun 2008, 16:04, closed)

Oh davros
if I were you, I would take a chill pill.

*titters, runs away*
(Bazongaloid, Tue 24 Jun 2008, 16:17, closed)

*Scowls at al*
*Waits for al's bits to shrivel and fall off*

I must apologise, I'm up to my eyeballs in twunting paperwork today and it's taking its toll. Why does everyone that needs to provide signatures on paperwork decide to fuck off on leave 2 days before the panel they're supposed to be sitting on, and at which said paperwork will be presented, convenes?
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 24 Jun 2008, 16:22, closed)

I end up doing this a lot.
For some reason people turn to me for advice all the time. Really not sure why. All I know is that I'm starting to get tired of being The Wise One and telling people what they should do.

Maybe it's because I don't feel the need to tell them something pretty, but instead bluntly lay it out for them. Which you'd think would actually drive them away, rather than seeking out more...
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Tue 24 Jun 2008, 16:30, closed)

@TRL
Or it could be that you're just so damned hot they want to chance to be near you, if only for a minute.
(Bazongaloid, Tue 24 Jun 2008, 16:45, closed)

al
did your bits indeed shrivel and drop off?
( thealternativefact, Tue 24 Jun 2008, 17:10, closed)

No
I'm making reference to the fact that according to hot or not TRL is the second most attractive B3tan.

To put this in context Rachelswipe is 92nd and DiT is about 85th or something.
(Bazongaloid, Tue 24 Jun 2008, 17:12, closed)

Replying
If I was me I'd be punching you into the ground right about now tends to do the trick Davros :)
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Tue 24 Jun 2008, 20:41, closed)

* clicks *
Honestly. give me advice, sure, but don't presume that you would act in a certain way 'if you were me'. If you were me, you would be subject to my thought processes and therefore be acting in a predetermined manner according to the circumstance with which I was faced.

Makes sense loud and clear to me.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Tue 24 Jun 2008, 20:45, closed)