my hapless friend evie
never meant to have one night stands. she always really liked them. it was just that somehow they never seemed to call her back, attractive though she was.

one night she met a really nice-seeming chap. he was over from ireland for a mate's birthday party, and clever and funny. they arranged that she would go and see him in ireland for a bit of a weekend away.

when she came back, she was glowing. i asked for all the dirty details. as she relayed them, the glow slowly turned grey. i knew he was never going to call her again. it was dawning on her that he was never going to call her again. the killer sentence?

"oh yeah, the sex was great. except that.... well........ he kept telling me to be quiet."

"quiet? why, were you screaming???"

"no, no. but he didn't want me to make ANY noise. he said it was putting him off finishing."

"did he have a flatmate?"

"no, no. he lived by himself in a detached house. in the countryside."

doom. other doomed highlights included him leaving her at home on the sunday for 3 hours whilst he went for sunday lunch at his parents' place and her attempt to leave him something sexy being a vibrator shoved under his pillow.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 18 Mar 2014, 18:53, 11 replies)

Necrophililols.

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Tue 18 Mar 2014, 19:05, closed)

that would have been much more lolworthy
sad fact of life for evie: he ain't that into you if he wants you to shut the fuck up so he can close his eyes and pretend you're someone else
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 18 Mar 2014, 19:07, closed)

He wouldn't have minded
if she had sounded more like his sister.
(the other guy not the one that gave you coochie warts, Tue 18 Mar 2014, 22:07, closed)

Maybe
He was actually a racist and she didn't sound Irish enough.
(DarkLite swallowed my entire undercarriage, Wed 19 Mar 2014, 0:26, closed)

maybe he didn't like her calling him daddy

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 18 Mar 2014, 19:26, closed)

This is actually you, isn't it?

(DBT became a fruitarian on, Wed 19 Mar 2014, 8:45, closed)

Fake psychiatrist as well now ?

( edjogs Collared doves are shit., Wed 19 Mar 2014, 9:06, closed)

nope
most definitely not. my friend evie getting married was the worst thing that could have happened, in not remotely selfish terms of making me feel miles better about my own life.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 19 Mar 2014, 10:44, closed)

you have some odd/unlucky friends

( Another_tragic_case wished he hadn't eaten all the cake, Wed 19 Mar 2014, 10:27, closed)

mostly it's the same 2 doing the stupid things
some people just attract misfortune
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 19 Mar 2014, 10:43, closed)

I don't think it's attracting misfortune as much as being a fucking idiot.

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Wed 19 Mar 2014, 11:37, closed)