drunk and in deep
when i just started my current job, my boss thought it would be a good idea for me to go on a leg of a bus tour round scotland with a load of education bigwigs.

trouble was, i got arseholed at a pals emigrating party the night before and woke up drunk 10 minutes before the bus was due to leave uddingston (town near glasgow, but not near my flat). so i tore off in my wrecked mini, and finally caught up with the bus near stirling. i abandoned the car and jumped on teh bus.

this was the first part of the day when i realised i might be out of my depth. they were having facilitated group discussions on some dull education topic. so i just joined in - i talk to anyone when im drunk - but being new i hadnt realised i joined the table with my MD and all these senior civil servants and business leaders. i stank of booze, and became very aware of my surroundings.

second out of depth experinece that day: later, after a visit to a dull primary school, the bus tootled off up the country roads to perth which made me be very sick indeed in the bus toilet. evryone surely heard the boaking, but i'm sure they all appreciated the wet boak on my trousers from where i missed the pan.

the day continued like this for a while.

final out of depth experience of the day: we went to a special residential school for very heavily monged children. we were split up for individual visits - somehow i pulled the visit to the "sensory room" where young classroom assistant girls give the mongkids head massages to ambient music and psychedlic visuals. i passed out, and was actually left to doze for a while.

at the end of the day, we reconvened in the hall, where the spacks put on a "show". bloody hell, i have never laughed so heartily at spack activity - some where just wandering about teh stage just moooing; others were strapped to their chairs and slapping their hands off bongos; one big fucker just stood there holding a candle, just staring at teh flame and barking every so often. pure spacker comedy gold for me, but looking around me - tears of pride and sympathy were flowing down the faces of my more succesful (and less hungover) fellow travellers. they did not approve of my behaviour.

i couldnt face getting back on the bus and got the train home to glasgow. i forgot about my car for two days, it was nearly a week before i could get back up to collect it.
(big fat lazy man on a sofa is giving his piles a bloody good clawing, Wed 20 Oct 2004, 17:16, Reply)