a few years ago
the school i was in was having a school play.which i didn't want to be part of.anyway one of the parts (which i thought of) was given to me because i had a guitar.so come the day of the play,mum turns up expecting me to be dancing around,but instead i'm sitting up the back of the stage strumming a guitar quitely and looking like the most authentic yobbo you've ever seen.fucking hell i was scared.

then there was the time i tried to be the school bully by kicking the shit out of the two weakest little shites in the school.three days later the real school bully proposed a fight.me and him.i was fucked and i didn't go to school the day of the fight.
(That guy with a hat., Fri 15 Oct 2004, 7:19, Reply)

rather embarressing but, what the hey....
When i had first started infant school i was trying my hardest to fit in, i was always one of those kids that ended up being a tag-along and never had their own crowd, ...but anyways to cut a long story short... we had all been shown around to our cloakroom pegs, and had recently finished our lunch and milk before we were all told to go to toilet and then return back to the classroom.

Inside the toilets we three big urinals and two closed cubicles, being a small child that had only ever used his house bathroom to go for a pee i had never seen a urinal before and decided to try one out.

Much to the other kids amusement i did not realise you *didnt* have to pull your trousers down to your ankles before you went, and as i started to pee with my trousers fully lowered and proudly standing with cock in hand, i noticed other kids around me chuckling to themselves as they stared at my bare ass and trousers by my ankles........oh the embarrassment when i had realised what i had done wrong......


.....i have never used a urinal since...

...100% FACT
(lift yr skinny fists, Fri 15 Oct 2004, 7:10, Reply)

once upon a time
I went to a party. I only had one beer (where as I would usually be the drunken idiot) and my friend asked me to move her car. We are at someone's house way the hell back in the woods so the only light was provided by the moon. yay. So I get in her car and proceed to back it down a horribly long driveway in the pitch black dark with cars all around me when I say to myself "Self, this is stoopid just back into the guys yard and turn around." "Okay" so I back into his yard and run my friends car over a huge log and I can't get it back over it. Then everyone proceeded to the guys porch to watch these guys lift her car back over the log and into the driveway. There must have been 500 people staring at me like I was a jackass. and I certainly felt like one too. Needless to say I stopped going to parties for a while. Not really the most exciting story, but I felt like the biggest idiot in the world.
( Lisette von Falcon, Fri 15 Oct 2004, 6:08, Reply)

Loss of virginity...
...I was about 15 and had just been approached by a girl at the Youth Club who said she fancied me and that she was also "on the pill."
It took me about 5 minutes to realize she wasn't referring to a cold and flu tablet and we proceeded to the local park (always deserted at night except for teenagers doing unspeakables).
So we disrobed a little and with me on top I proceeded to lose my virginity. Problem was that I thought you just inserted and waited...so I laid there *totally* motionless and after a couple of minutes she gave some encouraging movements which quite startled me as I feared she must be an epileptic or something.
It was very disappointing, but she was very nice about it and didn't dob me in to my mates.
(emadex thinks the world will end on, Fri 15 Oct 2004, 3:33, Reply)

Another acid story...
At the age of about 19 or 20, walked into my local and had just ordered my pint when the bloke who organised the pool team said they were one person short for the match that night. now my prior pool-playing experience consisted of a couple of games whilst at college, where i quickly established that hitting balls into pockets is not one of my skills. at all.

so we hurtle off to the opposing team's pub. on arrival, and before the match starts, there's me and my two mates in the toilets dropping acid (which i've never done before). cue much hilarity involving an ever-shrinking pool table, balls of all one colour, and an LSD-induced god-like ability.

so with 3 of the 5 of us tripping our nuts off, we won the match 7-2, i won all three games i played, and ended up on the team for a year, during which time i never played anywhere near as well as that first night and had to get moderately drunk before i could even sink anything.
(squirrelysquirrel, Fri 15 Oct 2004, 2:32, Reply)

Rocky Horror
I'm in the cast of a production of Rocky Horror Picture Show at my university.

I have to get up on stage in front of over a hundred people to sing, dance, and do naughty things to my fellow cast members while wearing only underwear and fishnets. Oh, and a pirate hat.

We perform in two weeks, and there will only be three practices before we go on stage.

We are given no scripts.

I've only seen the movie twice.

Eep.
(dragonrose, Fri 15 Oct 2004, 2:25, Reply)

No.
I am the one who shows other people up :D

...except this one time at school (Well I say ONE time, I mean the one time out of hundreds over the space of 5 years that I'm going to tell you about) when we each had to divide into groups of people with the same hobby and each group had to do an assmebly to the rest of the year about their hobby.

Me and the class mong were the only two people who did archery.

I was 13, and by this time truely, madly and deeply in love with Gemma Legget. Come the time of our assembly, she's sat front row centre, 3 feet in front of me, looking up at me.

It's not so much that I choked, more that we hadn't done an iota of planning. We stood up, looking like cute white fluffy baby rabbits in the headlights of a dirty great 18-wheeler. I nudged him in the ribs, he nudged me, and we sat back down.

She wouldn't even look at me.
She went out with Liam McPhee, who beat the shit out of me when I spilt lemonade over his art project.

Still, I'm cool now, though! :D
(28:06:42:12, Fri 15 Oct 2004, 1:27, Reply)

ah, i've been blocking this one from my memory
but seeing the question of the week it all came rushing back to me.

i was but three days back from a choral festival, and was feeling pretty confident in my vocal skills.

on a whim i decided to go to a prom that was being held in a local coffee shop. when i got there i noticed that they had kareoke, and that they also had beatles songs (about the only music i listen to). it took a bit of prodding from other promgoers, but i got up and sang When I'm 64.

you know how those professional kareoke systems feature some digital doohicky that supposedly tweaks and off-key voice to make it sound good? it picked my voice up as being a lot higher than it actually is, so to compensate i sang higher, making it sound even worse, and the more embarrassed i got the worse it sounded. the grand finale was me bursting out laughing and forgetting the words, and dropping the microphone.

a while later i felt it was safe to emerge from my dark corner as the angry villagers with pitchforks were gone. a guy came up to me and we began talking, but as the conversation progressed it turned out that he was 30 and was still in college because he was too lazy to work. now, in any ordinary scenario this would just seem like another desperate guy trying to get laid, but i'm 16. and i look 16 as well. and this was an event for teens.




my therapist is quite pleased with his new BMW from the money i have spent trying to forget that night.
(sponch!, Fri 15 Oct 2004, 1:23, Reply)

mars bars...
To cut it short, I ended up sleeping naked on the beach and being fed (at least 4) mars bars whilst asleep. I was sick.
(mrmonkfish yolo420weedwizard, Fri 15 Oct 2004, 0:13, Reply)

yes
when i meet any pretty girl in the real world


/rocks and cries
( Dave - KneHigHbOb talks, Fri 15 Oct 2004, 0:12, Reply)

Yes
Every job interview I've ever had, except McDonald's. (And probably only because they wanted to put me on the till)

Yet for some reason I keep applying for jobs for which I am SO FAR from being qualified for it's not even funny... I think it's because they "look like fun jobs"

Oh well. Maybe one day I'll bullshit my way into something good.
(Ecclesia, Fri 15 Oct 2004, 0:10, Reply)

Stupid ginger boy...
when i was around 6, i was on holiday in cornwall with ma n da, and decided to go for a paddle in the sea.of course.. as predicted.. i couldnt swim.. so just shimmyed around for a bit in the water smiling at strangers and trying not to sink.
i should have looked where i was walking.
next thing i know, im on my back in the bottom of the water with a extremly sore foot and my hands wailing arond helplessly underwater.
I luckily managed to get up, and dragged myself back to the beach where i said to my mum something along the lines of..
"i just nearly drowned mum".
"oh did you, i didnt see, i was talknig to this boy"
i looked over. he wasa little ginger boy with blue speedos.
it was at that moment i figured i should have been adopted.
(Spike4me, Fri 15 Oct 2004, 0:05, Reply)

Out of my depth
at the local pop n crisps night when i was 14 i ended up onstage with Phillip Schofield in a blind date kind of thing.A la David Brent.

I got told to geet off you dog.

I got me coat.
(wacko jacko, Thu 14 Oct 2004, 23:47, Reply)

you lot are way too technical
I have been separated from my ex for 6 years,and live in a diffeent county. But I maintain a healthy distance relationship with my daughter (now 8)and am roped in for Parents' evenings, family barbecues etc.

However, at my daughter's 7th birthday (and the fad these days is to throw a special 'venue' based party, we decided to go cheap and pick on a bowling alley that organised kids parties in the local environs in old Cornwall. Fuck me, if the bowling lanes didn't pack up with their mechatronics about 3 minutes before 12x7 year old kids were due to have 'the wildest time of their lives' (theme park promo guff) and the entertainment for 45 minutes, before 12x7 year olds was....me.

Start off telling the limited repertoire of clean jokes safe for the under 15s that I know... that is good for 1.25 minutes....no lamp so I can't improvise animal shadow projecting.... they are under 18 so I can't organise a knockout drinking contest.... the best I could manage was a competetive Jenga contest by dividing them into two teams... and for some bizarre reason it worked. Much hail to the child-carers around the globe. They know what I do not.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Thu 14 Oct 2004, 23:44, Reply)

Literally!
I once went swimming in the sea off Elba in Italy. The water was crystal clear and deep all the way to the bottom. Having swum out a fair way I looked down, saw how far down it was, got the most amazing attack of vertigo
and forgot how to swim.

Imagine hanging about fifty feet above vicious sharp rocks with vertigo. You have the natural desire to throw yourself backwards to safety but you can't. My brain helpfully kept telling me I was falling and thus about to die.

It was only when I completely ran out of oxygen that the fear of drowning overtook the fear of falling and broke the spell.

Nasty, very nasty.
( EasyCheese, Thu 14 Oct 2004, 23:39, Reply)

On my hols as a lad.
On my holidays as an eleven-year old boy I was staying at a spanish resort with my family where the local bar would play pirated tapes of the latest films like Terminator 2 and so-on.

There was a girl I liked and I invited her to come with me and watch said film and it didn't really matter to me that she was six years older than I. During the film Arnie was being chased down a large drainage ditch on a motorbike by the T-1000 in a sodding great lorry. As the lorry smashed into the side of the concrete ditch, I quipped "bad woman drivers."

She just left and didn't speak to me for the remainder of the holiday. I thought it was hilarious myself.
(ElectricMonk is falling awake on, Thu 14 Oct 2004, 23:31, Reply)

Amazongirl
I did that too, on the trampoline. 4 years later and I still can't stand up properly... How difficult can it be to fall on your back and bounce upright again? Quite, if you're me. My socks slipped, I fell on my head, bounced twice, and began to ponder the nature of the series of cracks my spine had just emitted. Then I got dressed and went to Biology. Looking back I wonder if perhaps this was not the best choice in those circumstances.
(underachiever, Thu 14 Oct 2004, 23:02, Reply)

In the middle of winter
my school used to force all its pupils to don airtex shorts and t-shirts and go on a very long cross country run whilst the PE teachers stood around wearing about 7 tracksuits drinking coffee from a thermos. The school cross country team was selected based on this event. One year, I think I was about 11, it was very, very foggy, so much so that myself and a very small asian boy called Shetal were the only two not to take a wrong turning causing every one to go about 2 miles out of there way, as a result we came 1st and 2nd by quite some distance. The teachers mistook of story for fasle modesty and so the next saturday we found ourselves representing the school in some sort of national event. I surprised myself by actually finishing (admitidly way down the field), Shetal however didn't fair quite so well and fainted about 400 yards from the finish and had to carried across the line by his dad.
(epipsa-g, Thu 14 Oct 2004, 22:43, Reply)

I am absolutely, completely terrified of heights.
It's OK if I know there's glass or something between myself and certain squishy death, but out in the open or at the top of a tall tower, this spells trouble.

One such time was during a Geography field trip to the Peak District, which culminated in an abseil down a 20 metre rock face. I and a group of three of my best friends were escorted to the top of the cliff and were kitted up with all the usual gear. I thought that I would be OK, and that I might, just might be able to help cure my fear.

It was at this point that I noticed the drop. Even though I was with a trained professional, and even though I had the proper safety equipment on, I was scared shitless. My friends abseiled down the cliff effortlessly, and shouted back up to me "don't be such a wuss" while I looked back at them, trying my best to keep my lunch in my stomach. I completely and utterly lost my cool, to such an effect that I practically shook the instructor to tell him, in no uncertain terms, that I. Did. Not. Want. To. Do. This.

Unfortunately, there was a problem with getting down - as I had had to climb up in the first place, and as there were frequent teams climbing up in the first place, I would either have to abseil down OR go down a crevice that had infrequent, but sizeable, steps (still in all the safety gear, I might add). I chose the wimps option.

I was offered another chance, a few years ago, to abseil. I declined. I guess that I wasn't so much out of my depth than out of my height...
( Chrico is a bounder and a cad, Thu 14 Oct 2004, 22:11, Reply)

rollercoasters
I am terrified of heights. I can't stand up on a chair without panicking.

One year my mom decided to take me to an amusement park for my birthday. I decided that I would get myself on a rollercoaster despite my acrophobia. I don't know what I was thinking.

Of course, the first coaster my mom drags me onto is a huge one with the suspended seats. It was terrifying. I think I might have cried.

Needless to say, I just stick to the dizzy, grounded rides when I go to the parks.
(pk, Thu 14 Oct 2004, 21:42, Reply)

receptionist
i was an administrator for a few weeks and one day all the receptionists were off. i was roped in, 18 years old, no superior, no experience, no people skills, terrible phone manner, general incompetence. managing the switchboard for the 400 or so people in the building, ordering taxis but forgetting to get a name so had to tannoy "taxi for russian people is waiting at the front entrance", making accidental tannoy announcements of "hello, i'm fubar, how may i help you?", dialing tannoy, making announcement, forgetting number that cuts off tannoy. cutting people off, forgetting the company name, putting main phoneline on silent then forgetting about it. kept saying the right words in the wrong order then swearing or laughing down the phone. also had to press a button to lift the gate into the carpark when a car wants to get in. the queue obstructed traffic.
(fubar, Thu 14 Oct 2004, 21:26, Reply)

Went to Strasbourg,
Went to the European Parliament. Decided it would be a good idea for me to volunteer to make a speech in front of the 500-or-so people assembled there about European politics. Decided it would likewise be a good idea to let two other people write the speech for me. Decided it would be a fantastic idea to let them write it in German (being German, it was easier for them). I therefore had no notes I could understand. Result: "Uh, we should introduce more, uh, political, um, er... things"...
( Pretender, Thu 14 Oct 2004, 21:26, Reply)

tomorrow, at 6am
a trip leaves, from sussex university (brighton) to newquay, with 24 students aboard. all organised by me, who rarely manages a successful drunken trip to the loo.. i guess time will tell..
(5lab, Thu 14 Oct 2004, 20:37, Reply)

Yes
But it was an exceptionally large vagina.
( kinell, Thu 14 Oct 2004, 20:30, Reply)

Was at the lights a few days back...
...in my Nissan 200SX, which has been tuned up to 275bhp and which I am very proud of.
A few seconds later, up trundles a Peugeot 205. It's been lowered and has chavs in it, so I thought, time to administer humiliation. Rev engine. They rev back. Battle is on.
Lights change. I floor the accelerator. By the time I'm up to third gear, the Chavmobile is so far in front of me that I can barely see which way it went. The damn thing must have had 400bhp under the bonnet. I bet he used NOS too, cheating cunt.
I can still beat any Audi TT though. Take that Mr Cverpromoted Consultant!
(CerberaSpeedTwelve, Thu 14 Oct 2004, 19:50, Reply)

Surfing
I fancied myself as a surfer, so I toodled off to Fistral Beach at Newquay, hired a board at hit the waves.

Or rather, they hit me. As all the surf dudes impressed the watching female hoardes with their l33t surfing action, I paddled around like a twat in a pair of M&S trunks and a "Frankie Says..." T-Shirt.

By some freak of luck, I finally managed to get to my feet and rode my first wave like an old pro. For about two seconds.

Catapaulted into the brine, the elastic strap did its job of preventing the separation of sufer and board. It also sprung the evil thing back at me at 200 mph, catching me right up the bum-hole.

The bleeding stopped after an hour or so. I fled the maniacal laughter of dozens of long-haired surf dudes and their female admirers, returning to the relative safety of a life of geekdom.

Surfing: it's very, very hard.
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Thu 14 Oct 2004, 19:43, Reply)

First temping job
I'd asked the agency for a straight typing job but I ended up at a lonely reception desk handling the phones for five companies. I didn't know what to say or how to connect calls. After a couple of hours and a lot of cut-off customers, they chucked me out. At least they were nice about it - more angry at the agency (which I left) than me.
( valley, Thu 14 Oct 2004, 19:39, Reply)

Heart full, mind empty
In middle school, I entered the Chorus, more to get out of gym than anything. The GOOD singers were put into a smaller group called "Mixed Chorus". Needless to say, I wasn't in that rarified group. So why (O Gaawwwd WHY?) during our 1st public exhibition, did I shamble out of my place when the teacher called, "Mixed Chorus will now perform." Five, maybe six minutes of standing w/ the Mixed group, in front of parents, in dead silence, wondering when we were going to sing; then a still small voice besides me said, "Colin, you're not in Mixed Chorus." Sudden realization. Stumbled out the door and walked home. Still have nightmares, except now I'm naked.
(the Angry Gumball Harmless American, Thu 14 Oct 2004, 19:25, Reply)

yes, yes i have
to cut it short flirting in sociology, ended in sheer embarassment and everyone glowering in my direction. damn it kyle!
(eepcicles, Thu 14 Oct 2004, 19:24, Reply)

out of head??
Another Acid moment. ^people tripping their heads of on microdots felt it would be a good/ reasonable / logical idea to take another one each.

cue weirdest shit known to man. I remember reaching into my friends bird cage to stroke the budgie and instead seeing that i i had squeezed the bird and it's intestines had exploded all over the cage. It was so vivid i was convinced i had done this till the next day when i had come / calmed down a bit.

Actually come too think of this i have a few too many "out of my depth"drugs stories. A pot of mushroom tea and 2 hash cakes do not mix well
(gentleben, Thu 14 Oct 2004, 19:14, Reply)