15 odd years ago....
spectularly top end executive jobs were advertised in the back of the Evening Standard rather than in specific sections of poncier papers. One which caught my eye was for something like European Development Manager for South African Airways. Yaawwwwnnnn, I thought, until I saw the salary.

£250,000 p.a.

Plus bonus.

Plus benefits.

A quarter of a million quid a year.

At the time more than 30 times my wage.

"Lovely", thought I, before cracking open a tinny and making a special cigarette. As the night and the tinnies and the bammies rolled on I started to get a brlliant (as they regularly are when you're skittled) idea. I'll apply, making up the most brilliant CV, get the job, do it for as long as I could before they realised I was a complete fraud, then when they frogmarched me out of the office accept pay for however long I'd worked there. I thought that I'd maybe last a month which would have been about 20 grand, although I suspect that my wibbly state probably would have affected my judgement as to how convincing I would have been. Nonetheless, in my addled state a month seemed realistic, so where's me pen, where's me paper, let's go. Maybe more beer and smokes first, why not.

Next morning the evenings events came back in dribs and drabs. Mmmmmm, I'll make a cuppa, the paper.... what was I reading..... errrmmmm..... right, kettle on, cup..... errmm... a job.... what job..... errmmmm..... not sure. Ok, milk..... errmmmm...... planes.... planes? Errmmm....... right, milk..... planes!! Definitely planes.... I think.... right....errmmmmm.....

Eventually I saw it, 3 sheets of hand written nonsense. Lines and lines of rambling bollocks, lists of planes and promises I could fly them, fictional information about airports and stuff about languages I could speak, all of it written like a six year old, no pronunciation but every point separated by an "and". A big chemically enhanced pile of fibs.

I didn't send it off, would you believe, but even now I wonder with a bit of savvy and the right type of approach whether I could have pulled it off and got away with a huge (relative to what I earned) payoff before they slung me out.
(tinypod will never learn. Ever., Thu 12 Aug 2010, 19:59, 9 replies)

Your lie didn't really get that out of control there did it?

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Thu 12 Aug 2010, 20:29, closed)

Some may suggest that....
a list of claims starting with speaking unpteen different languages and ending with being able to fly stuff ranging from harriers to Concorde via all manner of nonsense about aviation that looking more or less like a list of suggestions given by a particularly hyperactive 7 year old is unlikely to have been produced by someone with a lot of control over their creative musings.

On a lighter note, working in the rail industry, you're "Conned" story is my most often quoted "I read this hilarious thing on the internet" tale, and there are probably a dozen or so people in Newcastle willing the local ne'er do wells to come and ask them for money within earshot of a bobby
(tinypod will never learn. Ever., Fri 13 Aug 2010, 9:13, closed)

I hope someone else
Gets to enjoy sending some ne'er-do-well to some place they've no intention of visiting.

If they manage it without parting with any of their own cash, even better.

If you work in a station environment, can you speak directly to the BTP and get them onside? You'll solve the problem of station beggers in no time at all!
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 13 Aug 2010, 11:36, closed)

Not in a station.....
I'm a behind the scenes phone minkey (travel assistance and ticket sales). It'd be good to have the BTP introducing a policy whereby a mere secret handshake/wink/codeword would have them shifting twats out of the vicinity, but word would spread and every freeloader wanting a lift to wherever would just beg in the station and then get taken there, better to do it at random I think. Incidentally, if you know any creative or scriptwriter types the whole scene as you originally described would fit perfectly into a comedy somewhere, it's just a brilliant tale, utterly simple, realistic and plausible. If I'm ever responsible for a repeat I will be chuffed to bits.

However, you Sir, I shall make this very clear, will always get the credit for such a fabulously simple twat deterrent. Whilst there may or may not be funnier QOTW answers, because of the environment in which I work your tale has never ever failed to raise a laugh. I shall endeavor to make Jeffing a verb meaning "to remove a scrounging tosspot from a station".
(tinypod will never learn. Ever., Sat 14 Aug 2010, 0:30, closed)

It actually was in a comedy
An episode of Rev, don't remember which one.
(razakel, Sat 14 Aug 2010, 19:47, closed)

Hmm.
I seem to have missed the Gaz they sent, asking where to send my cheque.

I've never watched Rev - is it any good?
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sat 14 Aug 2010, 22:38, closed)

Watchable
Better than it looks, really. And probably not a million miles from the truth.
(razakel, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 7:12, closed)

Slung you out...
...and then not pay you a bean as you had gained the job under false pretences. Now you're unemployed with a criminal record.

Don't do drugs kids, drugs are bad.
(hairybuddha, Thu 12 Aug 2010, 22:38, closed)

Well scuse me all over the place Mr realistic pants....
although frankly it's less far fetched then some of the flashes of herbally enhanced inspiration I and probably many others have come up with in the past, although appplying for a job like that is at least a practical use of misguided creativity. A guy can dream, can't he?

If you must do drugs, sort out your employment options beforehand.
(tinypod will never learn. Ever., Fri 13 Aug 2010, 8:35, closed)

Indeed
and, as it happens, my own employment is owed to a particularly heinous untruth - No drugs mind.

But don't worry, they'll probably flush me out at the spending review, shhhhhhhhhhhhh
(hairybuddha, Fri 13 Aug 2010, 23:33, closed)

Of course
this is how most Executive positions are won and held. Blagging, bravado, and delegation.
( Sextant goes to him is emotionally erect, on this day, Fri 13 Aug 2010, 17:09, closed)