Wind
Don't you just hate it when you've got a hot date or an important meeting but you're also suffering from the largest massing of wind since the G8 summit.

It doesn't seem to go away even when you attempt to discretely pop a little gas out because your stomach knows it really needs to simply let fly with a massive ripping fart and you can't do that when you've got Someone Very Important with you.

Even worse when it's with a new squeeze and you're trying to impress them with your bedroom skills and prowess, yet you know that if they place the slightest amount of pressure upon your belly you could well set off the next Krakatoa.

So there you are, lying in bed, having managed to control your blasting bottom.

Phew...now if I can just hold on until he's fallen asleep and then lie on my side away from him then he'll never know......

There you are, waiting for him to nod off...your legs are entwined with his and his breathing is slowing to a contented purr....

You move your legs a little and

PARPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!

Right on his leg.

The percussion *must* have woken him up. Bugger.

"Oh! Oh dear! Oh, I'm so sorry"

And then he wakes up.

What woke him? Your giant sheet ripping fart? Nope, your apology.

Fortunately as a girly it does smell of either roses or lavender, so all is not lost.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Tue 6 May 2008, 18:25, 12 replies)

This is the bane of my life.
I often suffer with the windy pops. However, if I know I'm going on a hot date then I take peppermint tablets before I eat on the day.


Does the trick!
( girlinthehole, Tue 6 May 2008, 18:29, closed)

Aaaah windy pops
Thankfully, MrWitch is such a heavy sleeper that no fart on god's green earth could wake him up. Just as well, really ...

Not that I ever fart, but if I did, yes, roses or lavender, absolutely.
(TheWeeWitch hasn't been here much recently .., Tue 6 May 2008, 18:32, closed)

Fuck's sake
Girls' farts smell of shit, the same as men's.

And honestly?

We really don't care.

In fact if a girl farted in front of me - properly - I'd love her to bits. Nothing annoys me more than the pseudo-coy "oh I never ever fart" attitude. The current Ms. emvee farted on my hand as I was fondling her bum on our second or third date, and I thought it was fucking brilliant. 9 months later and she's still extremely dear to me.

Just let rip and be done with it, if it scares him off he's probably a tosser or a date-rapist anyway.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Tue 6 May 2008, 18:47, closed)

He's not bothered in the slightest
He always laughs.

It's me that's the demented date-rapist - I have a problem with them because I think it's impolite to fart with impunity in just the same way I won't burp loudly in polite company, scratch my arse, pick my nose or talk with my mouth full.

I'm strange but I prefer to have good manners.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Tue 6 May 2008, 18:56, closed)

pssst...
who else thinks emvee didn't get the o-so-subtle sarcasm about girly farts here? ;)
( Axai is in Montréal, Canada O.o, Tue 6 May 2008, 19:01, closed)

Women know that we all fart and that it's ok.
The point is that women don't like it when men fart without impunity so why would we like it when we do the same.
( girlinthehole, Tue 6 May 2008, 19:07, closed)

pssst Axai...yeah, I got it. Well done. Twat.
@TWW - Feh, I behave the same way with everyone - my boss, my mother, my mates, my girl...if it's coming out it's coming out. No apologies.

And let's face it, farting on a packed tube is the funniest thing ever. Especially if it's extra loud.

Everybody does it, why should I be ashamed of it?
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Tue 6 May 2008, 19:10, closed)

I once had a woman
let rip with a major blast right in the middle of sex- I think it was our third time together- and got an expression of absolute horror on her face. It startled me a little, but then I burst out laughing, gave her a kiss and carried on.

It wasn't something I would like to repeat, but it didn't really bother me much either.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Tue 6 May 2008, 19:15, closed)

Someone's an angry person today..
.. Lighten up, eh?

Farts are awesome, and my girlfriend thinks so too. Bless her.

p.s Front bum farts from my lovely lady are the funniest thing ever. She looks at me with a horrified expression when she happened to do said queef. I couldn't carry on from laughing so hard.
( Axai is in Montréal, Canada O.o, Tue 6 May 2008, 19:17, closed)

@Axai - I'm cool, I was just trying to puncture this popular preconception that women shouldn't - or can't - fart.
@BGG - you should try it sometime, farting with impunity is fucking brilliant. I've been absolutely volcanic lately and it's the most fun you can have in mixed company.

The sooner everyone realises that we're just a bunch of apes with a couple of clever tricks, the sooner we'll move on as a society. Pretending bodily functions just don't happen gets us nowhere.

It was the late, and very great Dave Allen who, when asked what the funniest thing in the world is, replied: "Farting is hilarious!" Billy Connelly - when he was funny - opined that if we farted with our hands, it would be the basis of almost every party trick ever. Especially if there was a set of rubber gloves nearby.

Yet farting *is* brilliant. We should all be able to laugh about it and revel in our own amazing flatulence. I know I do.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Tue 6 May 2008, 19:40, closed)

We love it
Take it from me... as a guy, we're so used to hearing girls try to be shy about farting. Therefore if you do it openly in the company of your loved one, then he will love it how you feel so comfortable with him as to just be yourself without restraint.
(EuroSong I love horse meat: best of all the animals, Tue 6 May 2008, 20:04, closed)

Damn...
I was all set to go and see the doctor about the foot long scorch mark which runs all the way down my right leg... I was beginning to wonder how the fuck it got there?
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Tue 6 May 2008, 22:51, closed)