Didn't think I had any...Then I thought a bit harder and uncovered a veritable plethora…

(Disclaimer: I haven't tracked back to see how many of these have already been done - apologies for possible repeats)

Of course there’s the drowning / dying / heights / shot-through-the-head etc fears but I think they’re quite rational because there can be genuine potential risks. However, I also have some phobias which even by my own admission, are pretty blooming stupid:


Spiders: obvious I know, but I can actually remember not being scared of them at all as a child...until one fateful day aged about 6 when I was playing ‘war’ with some kids from my neighbourhood….

Sergeant Pooflake and Corporal Furious D had been forced to retreat to the operations bunker that was the shed at the bottom of my garden. He went in first and I followed.
As I entered the shed, he turned round and said “What’s that on your shoulder?”. I glanced down and saw a gargantuan, puts-the-aliens-from-Starship-Troopers-to-shame bastard spider gawping at me.

I froze in fear as I watched it squint it’s beady cluster of eyes, roll up its sleeves to show me it's hairy legs and tattoos before scuttling at point 5 past light speed up my neck and on to my cheek.

“Weeeeeyooooeeeeooowwwwaaaarrgghhhhhh!” I calmly disclaimed as I sprinted out of the shed and up the garden path, ripping my clothes off like a miniture Hulk Hogan and slapping myself all over whilst struggling to not deposit half a metric ton of shit from my prolapsing bowels. Not pleasant. Scared ever since. I can summon up just about enough gumption to whack one of the fuckers with a shoe, and leave the present Mrs Pooflake to mop up the resultant sludge.

Moths: Flappy, ugly, fly-in-your-mouth little cuntstains. Well, I say little, some of the bastards that have their AGM round my lamp are like the Wandering Albatross. I hate the paradox (if that’s the right word) that they do fuck all when there’s loads of light all day, then decide to convene on my crappy little lightbulbs when it’s pitch black. No doubt someone will enlighten me (arf)– but until then I'll just continue thinking that they’re thickie fuckwarts

Woodlice: When my ‘rents first moved house they hired a manky, god awful van (A 6 ½ tonner rings a bell?) to transport everything. Seeing as my dad was as tight as a gnat’s chuff he even insisted on taking the coal shed from our old house with us (don’t ask). He piled it into the back of the van…lobbed in a shitload of other stuff then said to a 9 year old me: “There’s no room for you in the cab, you’ll have to get in the back with the stuff”. So I was plonked in the back of a van, trapped and pressed against the concrete slabs of a coal shed. There was just enough light for me to make out the hundreds of woodlice crawling all over me for the 30 minute journey. Nobody heard my screams...well at least they pretended not to...the bunch of wanky piss-slicks *shudders*

Smoking: mentioned it a few weeks ago (in the smoking QOTW – what are the odds?) so I won’t bang on about it again. In short I think it’s cack on a biscuit.

The Test Card: That girl with the clown and the blackboard…what the fuck was that all about? Used to shit me up something proper as a kid – I always had to turn away. Shiver-riffic.

The black rabbit of Inlé from ‘Watership Down’: Possibly to do with my first realisation of mortality or something. Either way, you don’t take a 5 year old to the pictures to let him watch some ghostly apparition lure happy bunnies from their loved ones with images of fields of blood. You just don’t. I had flashbacks and twisted images of that fucking rabbit floating around my bedroom for years. Every time I hear 'Bright Eyes' it sets me off.

Peas: It’s not just a simple dislike, – I actually recoil from the little bastards. It started with school dinners and being forced to eat the 'little green Bogies of Satan', but now, I can’t even bear to look at them. If I am in a restaurant I will insist on no peas, whatever the meal. You’d be surprised how many times chefs can’t be arsed, or assume I will just leave them to one side on my plate…

Oh no. Not me. No.fucking.way.

They get the bastard sent straight back with the words “I SAID NO FUCKING PEAS, SPACKBAG!” ringing in their ears. Personally, I couldn’t care less if they don’t like my attitude and spit / jizz / whatever in my meal before I get it back…as long as there’s no peas.

Of course, I love lots of food that contains peas (soups etc) – so I have to painstakingly remove every SINGLE pea before I start cooking. If I miss one in the extraction process and taste it later. I will retch – simple as that – instant Huey McPukeputty

My Nan used to have realistic-looking shrunken heads on her wall. I don't know the story behind how or why...but in the name of Bill Bailey's Bumgrapes, what the fuck?? They used to scare the bejeezus out of me.

Drinking from water fountains: - Obviously doesn't happen often anymore but at school I always had this fear that somebody would push my head when I was drinking from a water fountain and smash my teeth against the pipe. Every time I approached a water fountain I would check, slurp quickly, look around, twitch, shake, slurp quickly, look around, twitch, shake etc. Never did get my teeth smashed in, but consistently looked like a twat.

Lorks-a-lordy I am a spacktacularly fucked up individual.

However, It is quite apparent that I have no fear of arse-chewingly long posts
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Thu 10 Apr 2008, 20:52, 8 replies)

Watership Down
made me cry and scared the bejabbers out of me!

They call that a kids' film?
(TheWeeWitch hasn't been here much recently .., Thu 10 Apr 2008, 21:03, closed)

How about a fear of
jobs that don't allow b3ta?

YOU MISSED THE SHIT STORIES! I was waiting for you to post to that one!
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Thu 10 Apr 2008, 21:05, closed)

Yay! Pooflake where ya bin boy...
We've missed you.

I have a phobia of Pooflake dissapearing from the qotw board and never returning *shudders*
( girlinthehole, Thu 10 Apr 2008, 21:10, closed)

Re: Testcards
For some reason, I also had a fear of certain testcard patterns (I'll post a story about this tomorrow [EDIT: It's here]). However, when I was about 7, I did have a bit of a crush on Testcard-Girl.

Oh, and welcome back Pooflake.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Thu 10 Apr 2008, 21:52, closed)

I wouldn't call it phobic . . .
but more a morbid fascination with that Black rabbit, it scared me initially, but then had to watch it. Over and over and over. The bit where its inthe log. Piece of piss now.

Same with Poltergeist 2 - do you remember that demonghost thing that comes out of the top of the bed? Shat my absolute load. then rewind and repeat until not scary anymore.
(maggotriddendirtbox fast, feral and sharp as a tack since, Fri 11 Apr 2008, 0:16, closed)

Ah, there you are...
Have a "welcome back" click.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Fri 11 Apr 2008, 9:18, closed)

Pooflake! You were missed!
As a tribute to you I got 3 stories in last week's 'Best of'. I couldn't have managed that if you were around making witty and insightful posts, so thanks.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Fri 11 Apr 2008, 14:08, closed)

Awww, thanks everybody for the welcome back!

It's really hard to get any B3tatime in at the moment. Hopefully I'll get my new job sussed before long and be back posting my slop at the usual rate.

I have had a bit of a chance to catch up now and I’m so glad to discover from the many posts that I wasn’t not the only one freaked out by that disturbing, nightmare-inducing horror spectacle that was Watership Down.

Children’s movie? my wobbly hairy fairy.

I really did think that I was the only one though…and (not for the first time) thought that there must be something wrong with me.

Once again, thank you B3tards for being just as collectively weird as I am.

*regains faith in humanity*
*puts gun back in cupboard*
*tries to get ‘Bright Eyes’ out of head*
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Mon 14 Apr 2008, 20:08, closed)