Anal sex
I really don't see the fascination behind it, I don't ever, ever want to do it. I had a girlfriend a while ago who asked me to try it with her, but about an inch in I had to stop.

I mean, that's where POO comes from.
Yeuch.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 11 Apr 2008, 16:46, 26 replies)

I'm more averse to it
because of the obvious pain and discomfort it causes. I can't see the point of doing "it" if "it" isn't being enjoyed by all parties.....
( baw__bag contains traces of nuts on, Fri 11 Apr 2008, 16:48, closed)

I agree with you there Baw Bags
but also, it is where poo comes from.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 11 Apr 2008, 16:49, closed)

As opposed...
... to where babies come from, or where vomit comes from? I mean, Christ! If we all start thinking like that we'll never put our willies into women at all, and THEN where will we be? Hmm?
( Olembe Refuses to write in this space, Fri 11 Apr 2008, 16:50, closed)

Have to agree with Baw Bag
Yeuch... I'd rather not go anywhere pooey.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Fri 11 Apr 2008, 16:51, closed)

Babies are a beautiful, lovely, but pretty rare thing.
If your mrs is vomiting on a regular basis then something is wrong. But people poo all the time.

@Olembe we'd be in Greece, that's where we'd be.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 11 Apr 2008, 16:52, closed)

Babies might have been the wrong choice.
But there's something that comes out of there on a regular basis...
( Olembe Refuses to write in this space, Fri 11 Apr 2008, 16:57, closed)

Blood?
You mean the stuff that pumps nutrients and oxygen around our bodies?
Yes, that's exactly the same as putting Captain Bob Cheesemonkey (yes, I named him) in a place that regularly forces out disease-ridden excretia.
Yum.

EDIT or did you mean wee-wee? Cos that come out just above where I put my dinkle. AND it's sterile.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 11 Apr 2008, 16:59, closed)

No, I was thinking of blood and lumps of placenta
Not something I relish, but doesn't stop me putting Little Olembe in. And if I can cope with that, frankly you should be able to deal with the poo thing. I mean, put it this way: if a hole is plugged, nothing is coming out, is it?
( Olembe Refuses to write in this space, Fri 11 Apr 2008, 17:02, closed)

Placenta is only produced when babies are.
Blood is not disease ridden. Poo is.
It may be 'plugged' and as clean as the person you're with can make it, but it's not designed for that kind of thing, and I'll never get my head around it.
It's just not my cup of tea.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 11 Apr 2008, 17:05, closed)

blood
blood can be disease ridden if you have got teh aids
(little lord muthafuckin fauntleroy, Fri 11 Apr 2008, 17:07, closed)

@little lord muthafuckin fauntleroy
you just brightened my day.

Can i have some of your AIDs?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 11 Apr 2008, 17:09, closed)

bert monkeysex
there is plenty of teh aids to go around i am told. the best place to go if you want teh fresh aids is junction 13 of the m6. otherwise if you go into the freezer section of aldi you can find teh aids beside teh chocolate cakes. I also heard you can catch teh aids by saying hello to a monkey but i think that was just scaremongering. apparently teh aids came about when people sexed monkeys up their poo chutes, so poo sex is bad full stop. if you email me your address i will put some of my teh aids in a sterile bag and post it to you for your pleasure and enjoyment
(little lord muthafuckin fauntleroy, Fri 11 Apr 2008, 17:13, closed)

On principle -Bert is right.
In evolutionary terms, the foo-foo is where the dinkle is supposed to go. It goes there to make babies and feeling nice in the process is what encourages us to procreate.

No offence intended to anyone, but IMHO gay fellas and feminists are just wired up wrong and just have to 'make do' with what they've got in order to do the jungle dance with their chosen ones.

That said, each to their own.
(Greencloud Wanted to go fishing on, Fri 11 Apr 2008, 17:14, closed)

PMSL
@little lord muthafuckin fauntleroy
(Greencloud Wanted to go fishing on, Fri 11 Apr 2008, 17:16, closed)

@greencloud
seconded.
But 'wired up wrong' may not be the right way to put it.

@little lord muthafuckin fauntleroy, you just made me chuckle so hard I nearly shat a kidney.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 11 Apr 2008, 17:18, closed)

Mr grandad
has aids in both his ears.
( baw__bag contains traces of nuts on, Fri 11 Apr 2008, 17:19, closed)

Well, there's some learning to do here...
Anal sex comes with lots of "If's"

IF the recipient has recently dropped a load.
IF the load was solid
IF the recipient is receptive to the idea
IF the recipient is subconsciously happy with the idea (that's the clincher)
IF the "giver" knows what they're doing
and IF there's perfect communication,

IF all of these situations are fulfilled, then anal sex can be really enjoyable for both parties.

The rumours of sweetcorn are RUMOURS. The "unhappy" girls you see in pornos are either a) being abused by an asshole who doesn't care, b) pretending to be in pain, because it makes money. (I'm sorry to say that "a" is the most likely)

I have introduced a lot of curious people to anal sex, and all - having been given the right introduction - love it.

I've also met a lot of lasses who say "noo, it REALLY hurts" ... simply put.. if you're being hurt then you're either not mentally happy with it (and shouldn't be doing it) or - most likely - the fella who's trying to shove his cock in your ass is utterly clueless and needs to have his tackle removed.

It's like a good paint-job: the results are only enjoyable IF the preparation is good.

Oh... and another thing... if you end up covered in shit, you're doing something VERY wrong. (Or you're German, and you're doing it on purpose)

Sorry... it really gets on my tits when I hear people putting anal down. Sure, it's not for everyone, and I only indulge when someone REALLY wants to play... but for those who know what they're doing and have the right frame of mine, it's fucking Brilliant.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Fri 11 Apr 2008, 17:19, closed)

Hahaha,
theres no way I'm going into my one and only attempt at it with the ex.

Suffice to say, we were drunk, there was about 8 seconds of strange noises then a disgruntled woman waddling off to the bathroom to the sound of loud snoring.
( baw__bag contains traces of nuts on, Fri 11 Apr 2008, 17:23, closed)

Good for you Humpty
Lots of very good points very well put, I'm just saying it's not for me, that's all.
I wouldn't want to put that much effort into something that I know I wouldn't enjoy, and it's not the act itself, more the thought of the act.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 11 Apr 2008, 17:23, closed)

@ bert monkeysex
shirley if you have sexed up a monkey you already have your own teh aids? unless you didnt sex the monkey up the poo chute but instead sexed the monkey in its front bottom or in its mouth? maybe you got a defective monkey which wasnt pre-loaded with teh aids. take it back to the shop where you originally purchased it from and tell them although you sexed it up properly you have yet to contract teh aids
(little lord muthafuckin fauntleroy, Fri 11 Apr 2008, 17:26, closed)

This thread is soooo funny!
Where I stand on the matter is between me and my monkey!
( girlinthehole, Fri 11 Apr 2008, 17:29, closed)

@little lord muthafuckin fauntleroy,
You've got to stop! I'm giggling like a girl!

My name is meant in the doing sense, Bert Monkeysexes little lord muthafuckin fauntleroy, for instance.

@BGB don't be ashamed! It's ok to admit that you may have had something up your pooper, I know I have.

Cheeriobyebyetata!
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 11 Apr 2008, 17:30, closed)

is this
because it's Anal Friday, monkeyboy?
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Fri 11 Apr 2008, 19:16, closed)

I think
he secretly longs to get pegged.

Okay, ladies, any volunteers to take his virginity?
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Fri 11 Apr 2008, 21:19, closed)

@TRL
Bindun, and it wasn't bad neither.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 9:03, closed)

@ PJM
Essex?
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 10:09, closed)