Similar to the post below
I've been thinking abut whether to put this for a few days.

Is it a phobia? Well..... it makes me extremely nervous. I often dread the idea of the situation arising, and when it does I do almost anything to avoid it, up to and including leaving the room. Sounds like a phobia to me!

Yes, I am also talking about talking to attractive lady types.

Drink doesn't help me. I am just as nervy and likely to blurt out the wrong things when drunk as when sober.

The more observant may be aware that I had a bit of a..... bad experience a few years ago. I was all but shackled from the age of 15 and when most youngsters were learning the art of attracting each other, I was learning the art of repelling lady-types to avoid getting an ear bashing. Cut to 11 years later, I get papped out in the street (as it seems I learned those lessons solo) with a big dent in my self confidence and a complete inability to act casual near a lady. Imagine that episode of Blackadder the 1st where he's pretending to be a homosexual..... that's what I feel like each and every time.

It doesn't help that every one of my friends are just constantly going out and knobbing anything that moves either. This often leads to the crippling embarrasment of being "introduced" to people they don't even know, with all too audible half-whispers of "get in about her" as they stumble off to have a dirty shag behind a bin somewhere, leaving me with the female equivalent of me standing there trying to look interested. Urgh. Not for me at all. No-one has any fucking morals these days but I'm ranting now.

My best friend is the worst offender. He literally walks into a nightclub, gets drunk, scans the room and systematically goes around any females in the area pointing at me and whispering in their ears. This has genuinely led to me hiding in toilets, as some of his selections are barely human, some of them are WAAAAYYYY out of my league and the remainder then obviously think I am some sort of retard.

All of this has led to a real fear of being in that situation. If I'm left alone and I'm allowed to get to know someone at my own pace, I do OK, you see, but all this "Nightclub/meet/filthy shag" business scares the shit out of me.
( baw__bag contains traces of nuts on, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 16:12, 32 replies)

I have four half sisters
(those who've read my previous post will know of three, I grew up with the fourth)
Z, M, D, and C.

Choose one.

If you choose wisely you may keep one.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 16:31, closed)

I'll take Z
Sounds exciting.

Wait... Are you pimping your relatives?
( Cawl, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 16:35, closed)

Hahaha
At last! I knew this would happen eventually if I complained enough! :P
( baw__bag contains traces of nuts on, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 16:35, closed)

This is like The Last Crusade, right?
"...that looks like the sister of a carpenter."

*chooses wrong one and instantly ages*
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Mon 14 Apr 2008, 16:35, closed)

Z?!
You've chosen the worst of the bunch! She's the oldest, she's had more cock than a poultry farmer, she's a nasty, horrible, evil bitch.
YOU LOSE!

@Kaol yes, I am, want one?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 16:39, closed)

I don't lose
Because I've got no paedo-risk.
And because you won't have that half-sister by the time I've finished wi... Sorry, too much info.

*hides black tape, scalpel and bin bags*
( Cawl, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 16:42, closed)

(bide your time, bag, bide your time......)
(let the others choose, then, when the time is right.....)

*says the wrong thing*

Bugger.

I once told a woman in a bar that being pressed up against a crowded bar reminded me of being in prison.

She did not laugh as I hoped she would.

*edit* I have NOT been to prison.
( baw__bag contains traces of nuts on, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 16:43, closed)

Hmm...
Please take her Kaol, you'd be doing the world a favour!
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 16:43, closed)

Nice!
*cuts extra line into chest*
IIII I

*grins*

Oh, Burt, monkey-link for you news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/europe/7341211.stm
( Cawl, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 16:46, closed)

I saw that earlier
just look at their cute little faces! Awwww!

In space, no-one can hear you

Rape-a-monkey.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 16:48, closed)

It's not rape Bert
they love it. The little sluts.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 16:49, closed)

Captain Simian and The Space Monkeys
There was a female monkey in that, can't remember her name, but she'd have got it bad.

Space Monkeys!
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 16:51, closed)

I heard it's not rape
If they can't say no...
So that rules out parrots then.
( Cawl, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 16:54, closed)

Parrots don't normally say 'no'
Usually they give lots of filthy talk though, 'Who's a pretty boy then?', 'Polly wants a cracker,' 'SQWUAK!' etc.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 16:58, closed)

And on that note
I'm off home.

*wistfully contemplates the benefit of a shaved goat*

*shakes head*
(Bazongaloid, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 17:00, closed)

Cheerio al!
*invents the Goat-Merkin*
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 17:00, closed)

See you Al!
*waves*

You know what's really sad? I'm not particularly looking forward to going home today :|
( Cawl, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 17:03, closed)

Ahhh...
K, surely work can't be that good?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 17:04, closed)

It's not!
Monday nights are always an anti-climax after the weekends.

Although there is a programme about some guy with tree-like growths on his hands on 5 at 9pm...

Woo, excitement!
( Cawl, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 17:06, closed)

I love Channel 5's
circus freakshow stuff.

What's tonight's called, 'I married a Leylandii'?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 17:09, closed)

It's called
"Half Man, Half Tree".
Fucking imaginative there 5, nice work.

It should be more like "Half Man, Half Tree: All Wood".
And then seamlessly slide into cheesy softcore porn.
( Cawl, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 17:13, closed)

That reminds me of the Robocop
tagline; Part Man, Part Machine, All Cop.

Though tree porn does sound just as interesting.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 17:16, closed)

It's like that
Bit from Evil Dead.

Raped by the Woods...
( Cawl, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 17:17, closed)

Ew.
The bark would chafe a bit.

EDIT -best bit from Evil Dead III

Zombiewife: You said I was beautiful!

Ash!: But then you got real ugly.

ZW: You said you loved me!

Ash: Pillow talk.

*blows her away with boomstick*
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 17:18, closed)

Please
Don't tell me that you haven't seen The Evil Dead...
( Cawl, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 17:24, closed)

I've seen all three
but I may have been stoned. :D

EDIT I just full-screened b3ta for the first time ever at work, it looks strange when it's not a tiny little window I'm trying to hide on my desktop.

Cheerios!
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 17:28, closed)

Treeman
Wasn't he in Bizarre a few months back?

'tis freaky, but at least they now know what's wrong with him!
( uberdeity Wondered why Owen Lars knew of the term "hell" on, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 17:38, closed)

ahem (second attempt)
Ent he unlucky!
( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 17:45, closed)

bawbag, do you think your best mate
might just be using you as an excuse to approach the laydees/their mates. Making him come across (fnar) as the kind compassionate mate, looking out for his friends, all the while he's surreptitiously screening out the ones for him to avoid, while you hide in the toilets keeping the way clear for him.

Nightclubs are fine if you want boozeysleazeynaughtiness.
I would have laughed at your jail joke anyway, beats crap up chat up lines anyday
(maggotriddendirtbox fast, feral and sharp as a tack since, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 23:34, closed)

baw_bag
I'd get rid of your mates as they don't sound like real mates to me and steer clear of the shitty clubs too.

I'd have laughed at the prison joke :)
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 23:56, closed)

Nah,
in general we are all great mates, it's just in this one area I get the grief :P

It's actually a really long and boring story behind it that I won't go into, and they do genuinely try to help me along....

it's mainly the help I dread. Help.
( baw__bag contains traces of nuts on, Tue 15 Apr 2008, 2:24, closed)

My first year of college
People are starting to think I'm fucking gay because I don't go out with the mindset only to pull, goddamn it's getting old quickly...
(Lukekull Fuck, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 14:51, closed)