Not dumping, but I suspect I may have to have The Talk with a man who is not Mr Maladicta sometime soon.
Until a week and a half or so ago, I was waiting for a QOTW to come up where it would be relevant that I thought I'd acquired Stalker Boy II: Son of Stalker Boy, but in addition to taking Legless' comments about not becoming a one-trick pony on board, the situation has - for the moment - abated.

The man in question is one who for the moment we shall call Steve, for it is not his name. He is a mutual friend of mine and a few people from my uni course (and sadly also Stalker Girl). He is 22 and chronically inexperienced with ladies, to the point of having not had any sexytime ever*. While I sympathise with this, I do resent his assertions, usually via MSN, that he is better than anyone's boyfriend - particularly Mr Maladicta - and would do a much better job. I have reminded him on numerous occasions that I am with someone who makes me feel fluffeh and who I would not leave for anyone else, not just because I'm happy, but out of principle, too.

Therefore, I do not appreciate his frequent comments regarding my desire to stay in Canterbury as focusing around his offer for me to "fall in love with me and share my bed", referring to me as "just the hobbit I was looking for", my "little friend" and "sorry babe but your boyfriend's a cock and I am prettier than him". Nor do I appreciate being asked to read his favouritest love poems as well as the ones he writes himself, and generally making it apparent that he wants a piece of me "can't stay and chat to you babe you're proving far too sexy a distraction". And nothing I do will stop him flirting with me or reminding me the offer of his bed is still open, so short of setting Mr Maladicta on him, which I'm not keen to do, I will be watching this QOTW like a hawk for the most unappealing qualities I can acquire.

*goes back into hiding*

* Although I distinctly remember him turning down Stalker Girl's advances in a bar in our second year, so he's a weirdo, but a discerning weirdo.
( Maladicta, Thu 5 Jun 2008, 14:41, 23 replies)

You could always
knee him in the bollocks.

Or punch them, if you're a bit too short for effective kneeing.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Thu 5 Jun 2008, 14:45, closed)

I'll scare him away
For the one off fee of £297.99.
( Cawl, Thu 5 Jun 2008, 14:46, closed)

^ Sounds appropriate.
He calls me his "hobbit" for being on the low side of 5 foot and that irritates me greatly.
( Maladicta, Thu 5 Jun 2008, 14:46, closed)

@ Kaol
What do you charge for hiring him a prozzy to shut him up about the no sexytime thing?

And that's very competitive. I had contemplated using my limited Mob links ;)
( Maladicta, Thu 5 Jun 2008, 14:47, closed)

Hobbit
Well, in that case, headbutt him in the bollocks.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Thu 5 Jun 2008, 14:49, closed)

Dunno about the hookers...
I tend to use 'em once, then throw them in a quarry.

I'll snap his neck for an extra £43.01
( Cawl, Thu 5 Jun 2008, 14:50, closed)

I'll give you a hand
you plus me equals nine foot odds, we can take him!

Plus I have some "well hard" relatives I can put you in touch with .... some are in Italy.
(TheWeeWitch hasn't been here much recently .., Thu 5 Jun 2008, 14:53, closed)

Oi
Dr Grammar Police Enzyme: it's spelt "headbutt".
(Edit: you ninja'd that, you fecker!)

Maladicta - tell weirdo boy (politely) to fuck off. Don't encourage him with ambiguous signals (e.g. hesitancy). Then ignore him. If that doesn't work, you are absolutely within your rights to set Mr Maladicta on him. Or indeed headbutt him.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Thu 5 Jun 2008, 14:55, closed)

couldn't you just...
ignore him until he realises he's a freakful virgin?

and then knee him hard in the bollocks. So that he becomes an 'innie'.
(Ryfelwr can't stop here... this is bat country, Thu 5 Jun 2008, 14:55, closed)

@CHCB
Meh.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Thu 5 Jun 2008, 14:57, closed)

CHCB 1 Enzyme 0
How do you like them apples.

Go CHCB Go CHCB Go!
Go CHCH go CHCB Go!
(Bazongaloid, Thu 5 Jun 2008, 15:01, closed)

@al
I like CHCB's apples.

*nibbles*
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Thu 5 Jun 2008, 15:08, closed)

@TWW
Scottish? Relatives in Italy? Do you sell ice cream in Glasgow by any chance?
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Thu 5 Jun 2008, 15:10, closed)

@ Enzyme
The headbutting sounds like a more viable option every second, but I'm concerned he'd see it as something else... foreplay?
( Maladicta, Thu 5 Jun 2008, 15:10, closed)

@ Kaol
Consider yourself on speed-dial.
( Maladicta, Thu 5 Jun 2008, 15:11, closed)

Unless
he's really confused about the nature of real sexytime, I would doubt he would take the forceful application of any part of your body into his happy zone as foreplay.
(Bazongaloid, Thu 5 Jun 2008, 15:12, closed)

@ TWW
Yay for hard relatives! And for being little! My Mob links are no more than a bloke I know from Sicily and a lecturer of mine who lived in Naples for 20 years and so will inevitably know some mafioso types.
( Maladicta, Thu 5 Jun 2008, 15:12, closed)

@porkylips
nope. Other side of the country. My aunt married an Italian, and they had lots of kids. Some of whom are a bit, well, dodgy.
(TheWeeWitch hasn't been here much recently .., Thu 5 Jun 2008, 15:13, closed)

@ CHCB
Yes, this sounds like the most viable option; I've been avoiding him for as long as is humanly possible, since the other weekend when he did his best to talk me into going to the ball without Mr Maladicta and with him and I had to be quite firm about that...

Plus bonus points for use of the word "fecker".
( Maladicta, Thu 5 Jun 2008, 15:14, closed)

It appears
that the suggestion of testicular trauma (if serious enough to make it clear that it's not foreplay) is the consensus.

Kaol's doing well - that's another lady's number he's got this week!
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Thu 5 Jun 2008, 15:14, closed)

@ Ryfelwr
The "innie" image amuses me greatly, I may have to put that into action!
( Maladicta, Thu 5 Jun 2008, 15:15, closed)

@ al
Depends, if no woman has ever been near his happy zone, he might be a bit overenthusiastic... oh, I wish I'd not thought of that. Mind bleach?
( Maladicta, Thu 5 Jun 2008, 15:16, closed)

Don't feed the bear!
Does Mr. Maladicta know about his forwardness with you? You don't want to let this little Weasel be a source of dishonesty and mistrust between you and the guy you really want to be with. Tell him to fuck off and if that doesn't work, then it's the bollox (apply knee/fist/elbow/head depending on relative positions). If that doesn't work then get Mr. Maladicta to have a word with him.

Something pretty similar happened to my wife. I took him to one side and told him just how good a shag she is, and just how unlikely they are to ever find out. The fact that I do get to find out meant at this point I got to laugh in their face, which made me feel good. It got the point over, as did the threat of violence which made me feel tarnished, but strangely satisfied. I didn't once feel threatened by him (I don't mean physically) because Mrs. robbersdog had told me about it from the beginning. I think I would have felt very different if I'd found out myself.
(robbersdog, Fri 6 Jun 2008, 22:40, closed)