Accept my contrition at slight off-topicness; I beg your indulgence.
I was the perfect girlfriend.

It required the suppression of so much of the natural vileness of my personality, but for a whole year, I was. I was in love. I was patient and kind, and I gave him space to do whatever he wanted. I wouldn't get huffy if he went around without me, or forgot to call. I even agreed not to see him at all for several weeks while he took his exams, so as not to prove a distraction, though I let him know I'd always be there if he needed me. It was a really difficult thing to do. We lived very near each other, I had exams too and I was stressed out and a bit lonely. I missed him terribly, but I was really careful not to let him know how much. I didn't want to put any more pressure on him. For nearly a month, I counted the days until he finished his exams and we could be together properly again. I planned it all out. The day before, suprisingly, he called and asked if I had time for lunch.

You can guess what comes next.

He had tried, he said, to 'let me down gently' by not spending any time with me or texting or calling over the last month. Seems that, naive creature that I am, I had actually thought he wanted time to work. I remember exactly how I felt sitting on the bench looking out over the river; men say nothing hurts worse than being kicked in the balls, and we can't possibly understand. I disagree. The light-headed rush of sickness, the adrenalin surge, and then that crunch of pain spreading out like a gathering wave until your hearing goes funny.

But I didn't want to burden him with all that. I kept it light. I said I hoped we could still be friends, being as we were in the same friendship group anyway. I think we actually shook hands. I don't remember the walk home, but I remember lying on my bed a few hours later, just staring at the ceiling, unable to take it in.

I had thought that was as bad as it could get. But over the next few days and weeks, more and more information started to filter back to me; more and more idiosyncratic little pieces of odd stuff that had happened in our relationship started to add up. Then it emerged. He had dumped me in order to get back with his ex, girl who had made his life an utter misery, and I - who unless you patient readers haven't cottoned on yet, was helplessly in love with him - was just an extended rebound fling. A shameful sort of affair, to be looked back on with embarrassment. Of course, he didn't admit as such. He denied it, but the game was up when she (in a gesture born of complete spite, since I never met her) emailed me pictures of them kissing taken whilst we were still together. I had to glean all other bits of information from our friends, all the while smiling and chatting and keeping up the pretence of nonchalance. Nobody likes a moaner.

Eventually, though, I cracked and in the gentlest possible way, confronted him. And he lied. He lied so much that I still don't know what to believe, and any good memories of the relationship (and of the friendship we had before that) have been spoiled by the feeling that none of it really has any integrity. He lied until he was found out, and then lied some more for extra lie-ey goodness.

For my part, I couldn't take it. Judging it best to beat a dignified retreat, I packed up my life and left the city I'd loved. I've been back to visit since and the thought of accidentally running into him is a dread strong enough to make me feel physically sick. I took the first job I found and moved to London with complete strangers. For long months I was so short of confidence I couldn't look strangers in the eye. I mistrusted other people around me. I felt embittered and cynical and I hated myself for it. I felt unattractive and old and past it at 24. I felt like ultimately all that mattered to men - even supposedly intellectual and alternative men like my ex - was looks, as the girl he cheated on me with was psychotic, clingy, stupid, immature, and generally a complete knob, but very pretty. I don't know when this will end, but I do know one thing. If he had had the balls to be completely honest with me and admit that he still had feelings for his ex, he would have saved me months of mental torture I wouldn't wish on anybody (except, now, possibly him.) I would have avoided all the self-doubt, suspicion of others, massive hurt and poor life-decisions that resulted from being fibbed to in grand order, all because he was too much of a coward to do the right thing.

I don't know if I'll ever get back to the person I was before, not really. I'd like to. I think I was better then.

Length? It was a year ago today.
(jennymnemonic, Fri 6 Jun 2008, 13:45, 16 replies)

Aw! honey...
What doesn't kill us just makes us stronger.
( girlinthehole, Fri 6 Jun 2008, 13:53, closed)

haven't finished the whole thing but
"The light-headed rush of sickness, the adrenalin surge, and then that crunch of pain spreading out like a gathering wave until your hearing goes funny."

this is what being kicked in the balls is like, but with added extreme physical pain and then vomitting
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 6 Jun 2008, 13:54, closed)

@BGB
That's generally not true of malaria.

_{Edit - Apologies for flippancy on such a serious post, jennymnemonic.}
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Fri 6 Jun 2008, 13:54, closed)

Ouch
have a click

and what BGB said up there^
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Fri 6 Jun 2008, 13:55, closed)

@Vipros
True, but to be fair, the pain subsides relatively quickly.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Fri 6 Jun 2008, 13:55, closed)

That's not very nice
:( Sounds like my sister's unhappy story. Can I buy you a pint? I'm at Liverpool Street.
(timewaster treemagnet, Fri 6 Jun 2008, 13:55, closed)

the blokes
a twat. You sound like a sensible well adjusted person. Just think you could have wasted a whole year on the gimpoid whereas your free! hopefully he is with the bitch girl and miserable as sin.

Chin up girlie! you sound like you're gonna be just fine. x
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Fri 6 Jun 2008, 13:57, closed)

proper response:
it is a harsh thing for him to do, and it is a terrible blow to you understandably.

From what I can tell, there are a lot of shitty guys out there who do this sort of stuff and who are interested in looks alone.

Fortunately though, there are a lot of really genuinely nice guys around who will treat you with the respect and love that you deserve.

This QOTW has brought some of it out in the weirdos who frequent these pages ;-)

The best advice I can muster is not to rush things (which you clearly won't anyway) but try to accept that there are decent folk out there, and not just arseholes, and that you don't need to waste your precious time and emotion on those who don't have the decency to treat you as you should be.

Not sure where that came from, although I have just had a massive intake of vitamin C....
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 6 Jun 2008, 13:59, closed)

"This QOTW has brought some of it out in the weirdos who frequent these pages ;-)"
*blushes*
( Cawl, Fri 6 Jun 2008, 14:07, closed)

*also blushes*
@Jennymnemonic -that is just far too well written, I've been through, and I'm sure many other people here have too, similar feelings.

There are some absolute bastards out there, male and female, but it does get better, and even if it doesn't seem like it, you'll feel better in time too.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 6 Jun 2008, 14:11, closed)

c'mere
and have a big cuddle, and everything will be alright..


That's right, just like that.................
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Fri 6 Jun 2008, 14:23, closed)

I would just like to say
Not all men are cunts, there are some nice ones out here don't worry.

Bah humbug on the story, I fucked myself up over some-one and ended up single for 6 years not trusting wimmin, but hey ho, it all fades eventually and the good times will return.

Patience is a virtue, but so is not cheapening yourself with any old fling just because youngster.
(Halfy By light alone, Fri 6 Jun 2008, 14:30, closed)

.
While you may not revert to the person you were before, you will shed your bitterness and come out as yet another person - a much stronger and better person ready to take on the world.

Oh, and clickyhugs.

@vipros re being kicked in the balls: Exactly - except the balls are the heart.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Fri 6 Jun 2008, 14:49, closed)

:(
All the nice things others said above, plus some.
(tweebianmonkey Should be known as Widget, Fri 6 Jun 2008, 15:38, closed)

thank you all
I'm not in that bad of a way, really, not any more. The anniversary thing just made me ponderous. Will get back to you in twelve months with an update, hopefully dictated from my gold-plated yacht via my team of gorgeous champagne-bearing toyboy amanuensees all of whom think me delightful and fabulous...
(jennymnemonic, Fri 6 Jun 2008, 16:10, closed)

Sounds like a complete wankstain to me
But you've come out the other side, a little scepticism isn't a bad thing but you've got yourself a big dose of it.

Best of luck in the future!
(Lurkaloid awarded wanking black belt on, Fri 6 Jun 2008, 16:53, closed)