not me, but a friend....
and he wasn't actually trying to get dumped, but the end result was the same.

A few years ago one of my mates was seeing this girl who could be described as 'posh totty'. A couple of months go by, the relationship is going well and so it comes to the time to meet the parents. And so my friend is invited to dinner at her parents house.

Did I say house?

I meant fucking enormous mansion. This was the kind of place with its own cattle grid on the driveway. Servants, butlers, silverware, the works.

Now, my mate is a well dressed, well manered and intelligent young man, the kind of person who just seems to get on with everyone. So dinner with these upper class toffs didnt faze him at all. Even when he arrived and found that it was a full dinner party, with the whole extended family.

Everything was going perfectly throughout the meal. My friend was polite, used the correct cuttlery, didnt fart or belch and was generally charming, and totty's Ma and Pa seemed suitably impressed with her new Beau.

After dinner, the party retired to the Drawing Room for coffee and liqueurs. My mate needed a shit, so he politely excused himself and went off to the loo. After finishing, he flushed the toilet and washed his hands. Just as he was leaving, he noticed that his poo hadn't flushed away and was still floating in the pan. So, he waits for the cistern to fill up and flushes again.

This one's a stubborn bugger.

Now he's starting to panic. He cant flush again, in case they hear it and wonder whats going on. Nor can he just leave it in the pan as that would undo all the hard work he had put in that evening.

So, thinking on his feet, he plucked the offending jobbie out of the pan, and hoyed it out the window. He then washed his hands again, and returned to the Drawing Room.

As he walked into the room, he was met by silent open mouthed stares of astonishment from his girlfriend, her parents, the servants and the rest of the dinner party.

He looked through the room to the conservatory, where he could now see his shit, slowly sliding down the glass roof and off onto the patio below....

Suffice to say, the relationship went no further.
(Lionel Tiger, Tue 10 Jun 2008, 21:56, 10 replies)

A lovey tale well & very well written. Top marks old son.
Unles this is one of those "human nature" under stress type of reactions to this kind of situation. This must be one of the worlds oldest / most flogged urban legends in existance.
( The magic of chutney Shakes it like an Instagram filter!, Tue 10 Jun 2008, 21:59, closed)

Sorry but
I remember hearing this story on Graham Norton a few years ago, only it was a girl's offending faecal matter.
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Tue 10 Jun 2008, 22:50, closed)

I've heard
this one before.
(Bazongaloid, Tue 10 Jun 2008, 22:56, closed)

I've heard
Something quite similar before.

And al, are you not meant to be in a field?
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Tue 10 Jun 2008, 23:10, closed)

I think this is an urban legend.

( idonthaveafunnynickname Drink-Aware? Sure. I'm aware I want another drink., Tue 10 Jun 2008, 23:54, closed)

Ahh yes,
I heard this story on This Morning years ago, except it was a girl at a wedding reception, still makes me chuckle a bit though/
(osiriarose, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 0:14, closed)

This story has been heard everywhere
Because it has been told everywhere. Over and over and over....

If it ever did happen for real, nobody would believe now.
( vix0r was not Matthew on, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 2:01, closed)

Ahh this old chestnut again....
Originality is good, try it!
(cmouse is pondering about life in other jobs, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 11:49, closed)

I'm not saying that I heard this story before...
...but The Macc Ladds did a song about it in 1986, is all I'm saying:
www.macclads.co.uk/hectic_house/lyrics/lyrics_alpha/dans_b.html
(davywavy, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 12:40, closed)

ok sorry....
my mate told me that story a few years ago, but as if it happenned to him. Ive been getting milage out of it ever since, but if you've all heard it before then I apologise.

Its still a funny story though!
(Lionel Tiger, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 14:20, closed)