b3ta.com qotw
You are not logged in. Login or Signup
Home » Question of the Week » The Police II » Post 1197312 | Search
This is a question The Police II

Enzyme asks: Have you ever been arrested? Been thrown down the stairs by the West Midlands Serious Crime Squad, with hi-LAR-ious consequences? Or maybe you're a member of the police force with chortlesome anecdotes about particularly stupid people you've encountered.
Do tell.

(, Thu 5 May 2011, 18:42)
Pages: Popular, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1

« Go Back

I'm not a fan of coppers.
In fact, I consider them to be pretty low in the pecking order of society. So much so, that if one walked across my carpet, I'd consider buying a new one, or at least renting a steam cleaner to get the fetid stench of corruption and ignorance out.
...and with that in mind, I regale you with the tale of my drunken ex misses on her birthday many years ago.
My house had recently caught fire, the gas pipe had somehow caught light, which thankfully eventually burned through a water pipe which managed to save it from being raised to the ground.
It did, however, cause considerable damage. So much so that the place was uninhabitable and for a period of about 5-6 months, we rented a place about 1/2 mile away whilst it was being repaired.
Being the height of summer and in a tourist town, short-term lets were in short supply, and as such I ended up renting a bloody enormous house in a posh(er) end of town - all mock Tudor houses with Jags and Mercs in the driveway.
Shortly after moving in, it was the ex's birthday. We and a few friends frequented the local pub, made merryment etc... and generally had a pretty decent time of it. That is, until the short walk home:
"Some cnut has nicked my fags" slurs the ex.
"Oh well, I'm sure it wasn't on purpose. I'll pop out in the morning and get some more."
"No! Fkucing scumbags have nicked me faaaaags" etc...
We get back home, and she collapses in the driveway, with a slighly less pissed, but pissed all the same, me, attempting to pick her up and carry her indoors. I should add here, that all the while I'm trying to help her, I'm receiving clobbers to the face and scratches etc...
About 20 mins after I pay the babysitter and get the ex in her bed, a jamjar pulls up outside, no doubt after having been called by a pseudo-posh-bmw-owning-mock-tudor-house-owning-posher-than-they-think neighbour.
I go outside, and tell them that all is well, the misses has had a birthday party and is a bit pissed, fell over in the drive etc...I said "It was nothing really, she didn't even wake the kids up"
And then came the bombshell, "Right. We're coming in."
"Well, your not."
"No. You're not coming in. Everyone, including my kids, is asleep, and you'll wake them up."
"What do you do?"
"I'm a solicitor" (frankly it's none of their business what I do and completely irrelevant, hence the lie)
"We're coming in. We have reason to believe that you've beaten her up"

...and so it continues for a while.
I couldn't bring myself to let them in. Seriously, what would my friends think? That I entertain THAT type of guest? No way.
It goes on, with the copper going on about the law, and how the law is the law (civil or criminal etc...) and that they're coming inside.
"I'm losing my patience with you" says one of the female coppers.
At this point, I got seriously pissed off, so drove my car up against the front door, climb out of the sunroof and pull myself up onto the porch roof.
"You're nicked. Come down now!"
"Of course, officer, that's exactly what I'll do. Right this second." ...are words that did not eminate from my vocal chords.
I climbed higher, and got onto the roof of the house. From there, I could see TWO police landrovers, and three more jamjars, who sprung into action, presumably radioed by the two coppers now in the driveway.
I'm not making it exactly clear from the dialog above just how sexist these two female coppers were being. The fact that I was a male, and my girlfriend female, in their minds, instantly made me a wife beater. They said as much on a few occassions.
I dropped down into a neighbours garden, climed over their fence and made my way up the hill.
I sat there smoking a roll-up, and watching as no less than six coppers went through all the neighbours gardens with flash-lights looking for me.
"Fuck this", I though. I made my way back to my newly burned house, opened the garage, where I had a phone, phoned the police station and made a formal complaint against the two original coppers for sexism. One of which, to my surprise was upheld (due, in no small part, to this unbeknownst to me at the time, not being her first complaint for it).
The misses (and kids) had since woken up by the coppers battering the back door down, and she'd been pissed enough to be hoodwinked into saying more-or-less what the coppers wanted her to. "Is he violent generally?", "Not really", "That's a 'yes' then" etc...
Thankfully, when they suggested that I'd beaten her she told the truth and seemed surprised that they would even ask, then twigged where their questions were attempting to lead her.
Still. That was the last day that we were together.
It turns out that I'd been to school with one of the coppers, and she'd wrongly remembered my name - for a similar(ish) one admittedly. In the PNC, it came up as an outstanding arrest for ABH or similar, and apparently she was trying to get us all inside so she could arrest me without me being able to leg it quite so easily.
The complaint was upheld about her and she has since emigrated to NZ, so those poor bastards have to put up with her now.
(, Wed 11 May 2011, 14:17, 9 replies)

not sure where the funny bit was... but one question; why was that the last day you were with your lady friend?
(, Wed 11 May 2011, 14:47, closed)

what Mr Isotonic said!
(, Wed 11 May 2011, 15:00, closed)
I didn't add it to the story, but she would punch, kick, bite etc... whenever she got pissed, or pregnant, or menstral, and I just stood there like a donkey and took it.
One one occassion, when she was pregnant, I tied her down to the bed, to stop her killing me, her or our baby. Other than that, I never laid a finger on her in retaliation, yet somehow, it was all my fault and I was a violent tosser etc...
(, Wed 11 May 2011, 15:25, closed)

ahhh... i see.... here's the funny bit: tying your pregnant wife to the bed.
(, Wed 11 May 2011, 16:25, closed)
I suppose.
It wasn't a laugh-a-minute at the time I can tell you.
She'd smashed the bathroom up, smashed the kitchen window and was starting on the living room, covered in her own blood, when I realised I had to intervene to stop someone dying.
She was quite a freak.
(, Wed 11 May 2011, 16:38, closed)
not funny, but a certain degree of satisfaction knowing that one less sexist, arrogant WPC is roaming our streets.
(, Wed 11 May 2011, 15:26, closed)
Let me get this straight...
The police wanted to checked that your wife was ok, and you acted like a prick.
(, Wed 11 May 2011, 15:26, closed)
girls who say cunt
arent girls
(, Wed 11 May 2011, 15:30, closed)
After being battered around the face and upper body whilst trying to help her get inside, then being accused of giving her a beating simply for being male, I do admit to taking some offence by the suggestion. I also didn't want her woken up and her returning to her violent state and getting herself nicked, and/or waking up my kids.
Plus, they were coppers.
I don't want to be seen to associate with the scum of the Earth, and I certainly don't want them in my private dwelling. I prefer my guests to have at least an IQ higher than their shoe size, and a level of humanity and humilty. All of which are lacking in officers of the law in my experience.
(, Wed 11 May 2011, 15:46, closed)
Look at it from their point of view ...
They get called out to a fracas involving a man and a woman. They arrive to find a pissed-up man, possibly looking a bit scratched (i.e. like he might have been in a ruck with a woman), who then refuses to let them check that his wife is okay. What would you think?

Sexism and unprofessional behaviour can never be justified but you can see why they were unwilling to let the matter lie.
(, Wed 11 May 2011, 17:34, closed)
I can see that. I haven't really done the conversation justice. They were all but trying to throw me up against the wall, abusive and extremely sexist. If they'd said that, or spoke to me in a manner that made me think that's what they actually wanted, then fine. They only became abusive after one of them 'recognised' me from school - in fact, she'd mistaken me for someone else.
(, Wed 11 May 2011, 17:41, closed)
I think this is an argument for coppers doing things properly.
I can see how being called to "... woman screaming at man... " and being confronted by a scratched-faced man may lead to conclusions. However, thinking logically and being polite could have led to a little more conversation and "promise not to wake her if she looks OK".
If he had beaten his wife but the only proof was a drunken, angry woman and a coule of WPCs whose objectivity had been called into question I bet he'd have gotten away with it.
Annoying, arogant drunken tossers* are not paid to act logically and in a detached manner -- law enforcement people are.
*Which the OP may or may not have been -- I wasn't there.
(, Wed 11 May 2011, 17:57, closed)
To be fair
when they first arrived, I was polite and respectful. It was only when she became abusive after mis-recognising me that I perhaps became an arrogant, annoying tosser. I'm told that even when slaughtered, I look and sound almost sober.
(, Wed 11 May 2011, 19:02, closed)
I'm in no way blaming you.
As I mentioned, you're not paid to be sensible or coherent. If you're on your own property and not harming anyone else (they did need to see your wife) the police should have fucked off.
(, Wed 11 May 2011, 20:50, closed)

« Go Back

Pages: Popular, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1