Honestly officer, there's an innocent explanation ...
A lovingly roasted pea presented for your entertainment.

I was once arrested, charged but not convicted of Indecent Exposure but those fine lads and lasses in blue of County Durham.

So let's wibble those lines way back to 2002 when my husband and I, full of youthful enthusiasm and naiviety, bought an abandoned CofE church to renovate. Oh what fools we were.

We would work our 9-5 jobs and then drive out to the church and usually work until midnight or whenever we fell over.

To set the scene; it was 2:00am, and I was trying to finish the external rendering. Hubby had helped out until he had to leave to catch his flight for a conference and I stupidly thought I could finish the job myself. It was so very late. I was tired and I was rushing and I was NOT wearing any special protective clothing, so I have no one but myself to blame for what happened next.

I was handling a highly corrosive substance called quicklime when a gust of wind blew some of the powder up onto me. I felt like someone had thrown a colony of fire ants at me. My clothes quickly started to dissolve, so I followed the most sensible course of action at the time. This involved screaming loudly, flailing about wildly, ripping off my clothes and rolling around in a muddy puddle.

"Right!" I shouted into the empty night, "I've had enough! I'm going home!" So that was how I came to be driving down the A1 in the wee small hours, butt naked and covered in mud.

But the most disastrous night of my life did not stop there, oh no. When I had been flailing about ripping off my rapidly dissolving clothing, I had knocked the lights that I was using into the back of my car, breaking the tail light.

And yes, you guessed it, I hear a siren and there's the blues and twos behind me. "Oh please let it be a copper with a sense of humour." I silently prayed as I pulled over. I opened my window just a fraction. Nope, a young lass who looked like she'd been on the job for about 20 minutes.

"Step out of the car please."
"I can't do that."
"Why not then?"
"I'm naked."
"Wot!"

Rinse and repeat for a bit until I finally stepped out of the car and demonstrated my state of undress and need for medical attention. Did she laugh and point? Did she let me go? Did she BAH! I was cuffed, placed in the back of the police car, taken to Durham Police Station, where I was given a handsome forensic jumpsuit, left in a filthy freezing cell for 3 hours until they got around to the charge and bail bit.

Even the Desk Sergeant didn't want to book me. You could see it on his face.

A few weeks later, I was summonsed to appear in a Magistrate Court on a charge of Indecent Exposure. Yay me. Thankfully, the beak did have a sense of humour. He pointed out that the act of Indecent Exposure did not occur until I stepped out of my car at the direction of a police officer. Therefore, I had no case to answer. Phew.
(Que?, Thu 12 May 2011, 0:58, 8 replies)

I like this
And have duly clicked :)
(insomniac-surfer oh go on then, just this once, Thu 12 May 2011, 1:05, closed)

That copper should have been dragged arse first through a severe bollocking.
Her first duty should have been ensuring that you weren't injured. The fucking idiot.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 12 May 2011, 8:23, closed)

Spot on
...and coppers wonder why no-one respects them.

If they could only grow three more brain cells (and thus doubling the existing amount in most coppers), then they might earn some respect, rather than simply expecting it due to wearing a blue tit on their heads.
(dchurch bah, Thu 12 May 2011, 9:47, closed)

Just out of intrest
What makes you think that you deserve the respect of the police when you freely admit to not respecting them?

Maybe it's you that needs to grow some more brain cells so that you understand the simple fact that the Policeman doing his job doesn't really give a shit about you, your life or what you think of him. It's not about respect and thinking they deserve it, it's about being a cunt, and with that I can't disagree that most of them are...but only by extenstion of the fact that people in general are cunts, coppers or not...and the ones who arn't are usually non washing, save the plant, proper lesbian hippies.
(Bushcricket, Thu 12 May 2011, 11:34, closed)

You're a dick.
I was talking about the specific example and you've leapt to generalised abuse about the entire police force.

I hope a dodgy copper gives you a nice beating for being a dick. You dick.

And then I hope the dodgy copper gets a bollocking for being a dodgy copper. Obviously.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 12 May 2011, 11:45, closed)

heehee
great story have a click

*click*
(sittingduck Attention seeking, bullshitting fuck-knuckle, Thu 12 May 2011, 8:33, closed)

I liked this first time round, nice to see it again
click.
(sarcastic fringehead feet of clay, buns of steel, head of lettuce, Thu 12 May 2011, 9:06, closed)

I cried with laughter the first time I read this,
Its still just as good!
(Document Pocket, Thu 12 May 2011, 9:58, closed)