Just this very week
I've been seeing a girl for a month or two. A really lovely girl. Attractive, funny and intelligent. She's had a few problems in her past, but they looked like they were all behind her. We really seemed to hit it off.

Last weekend I was in Newcastle with a few mates for a stag weekend. We went into a very normal looking pub, with lots of boys and girls. The only unusual thing being that they had female dancers - fully clothed, I hasten to add. They performed choreographed routines up on a balcony type thing. Nothing sexual at all though.

Anyway, you could also 'buy' a dance from them for the princely sum of £3. For that, you sat in a dentist's chair on the bar and had to down a drink in one go while a girl danced for you - for all of about 30 seconds. Again, it was not at all sexual. We bought a dance for my mate the groom.

Of course on my return home I was grilled on the events of the weekend, and mentioned this novel form of entertainment. Apparently I have been giving my marching orders by this otherwise delightful girl because I am a sexist and I view women as sex objects.

Perhaps an over-reaction you might think, but she's stuck to her guns. However, what completely boils my piss is that she had previously admitted that she had attended a friend's birthday party where she had hired a topless male waiter to serve drinks to her friends. She didn't seem to have any issue with this at all.

Now for me, neither of these scenarios are particularly off the scale, but apparently one is quite acceptable and the other one makes me a rapist.

It would appear that sexism can only be exhibited by men against women.

Can anyone shed any light on this? I'm none the wiser! Am I just barking mad?
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Thu 1 Apr 2010, 15:07, 23 replies)

I don't want to sound mean...
...but perhaps she just wanted to finish with you and used the dance as an excuse?
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Thu 1 Apr 2010, 15:11, closed)

Well
I'm a big boy and I think I could have dealt with that.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Thu 1 Apr 2010, 15:14, closed)

I've never heard of being able to "buy" a dance off anyone that wasn't a stripper
I can understand her dubiousness.
( 100% Cock Raw like carrots., Thu 1 Apr 2010, 15:13, closed)

Neither have I
It's not something I've ever seen before myself, but it was proving very popular - with both boys and girls.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Thu 1 Apr 2010, 15:16, closed)

was the drink included in the £3?

( Mockingbird Practitioner of SCIENCE, Thu 1 Apr 2010, 15:21, closed)

Yup.

(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Thu 1 Apr 2010, 15:24, closed)

Bingo

( Mockingbird Practitioner of SCIENCE, Thu 1 Apr 2010, 15:29, closed)

Only men can be rapists
Only white people can be racist
Only straights can be homophobes
Only young people can be age-ist
Only posh people can be class-ist
Duuuuuuuh.
( Mockingbird Practitioner of SCIENCE, Thu 1 Apr 2010, 15:21, closed)

Stripper.
was that in sinners? my girlfriend works there, and swears she isn't a stripper, but i know better.
that dentists chair is one of my favourite pasttimes though.
(Rco has been clean and sober since, Thu 1 Apr 2010, 15:32, closed)

I honestly can't remember the name of it
...sorry
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Thu 1 Apr 2010, 15:55, closed)

I think this falls under the category of "Lucky escape"

(Richy_T hundreds if not thousands of dollars, Thu 1 Apr 2010, 19:12, closed)

I'm no expert or owt, but I can't help wondering whether the really key phrases in your story are not "stag night", "female dancers" or "sex objects", but actually "a month or two" and "a few problems in her past"
If the problems she has previously had have left her with issues regarding trust or possibly slightly low self esteem, then her seemingly over the top reaction could be more readily understood, particularly at an early stage of a relationship before you really know each others characters/establish trust. She may have been imagining the worst whilst you were away and/or possibly thought that your recounting of the story was a highly sanitised version of the truth.

It does sound as though you genuinely like this girl and I wonder whether it might be worth sending a letter (letters giving you the chance to make sure you say everything you want to without getting sidetracked as can happen during highly charged dialogues)expressing what you feel about her and explaining that you had been absolutely honest with her, had been surprised/upset by her reaction and asking her, having had some time for reflection, whether based on the entirety of what she knows about you, she really considers you to be sexist.

Best wishes with it.

Apologies if this reads that I, in turn, am being sexist by naturally assuming that any "problem" must be on her side.
(Cave Duck, Thu 1 Apr 2010, 21:30, closed)

Thanks for this
We've actually exchanged a few emails on the subject since she finished things. She still seems to be sticking to her guns. She's told me about some issues from her past that still haunt her, but she's indicated that there are a few more that she didn't get round to telling me about. The tone of her emails though have been quite cold and detached, so I don't really think that there's a way back now. I think I'll have to just chalk this one down to experience.

Cheers for the advice anyway.

RF
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Fri 2 Apr 2010, 9:01, closed)

A real shame for you both.

(Cave Duck, Fri 2 Apr 2010, 20:37, closed)

fuck me
i had no idea Dear Deirdre was a b3tan. great advice but i can't help agreeing with others that this girl's issues are the cause here. why was she grilling you though and why for god's sake man did you tell the truth?
(Wagane, Sun 4 Apr 2010, 10:11, closed)

Ha
I don't know quite what happened, I was struck by the sincerity of the Reverend's post and then before I knew what was happening I came over all Claire Rayner. (Which is quite a feat.)
(Cave Duck, Tue 6 Apr 2010, 16:31, closed)

I think I've seen that video
It looked like Clair Rayner anyway. :-/
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Wed 7 Apr 2010, 11:14, closed)

Good question actually.
I thought that honesty was the best policy. It was at the very low end of the scale of possible stag-weekend offences, and didn't realise that it would elicit that reaction. If I'd just said that nothing at all had happened, she probably wouldn't have believed me, and would just assume that I was hiding something much worse.

That would say far more about her than me I guess....but I just tried to be honest. I won't try that again! :-)
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Wed 7 Apr 2010, 11:17, closed)

this drives me nuts!
why do some girls assume that they can't be sexist because they're female? it's just moronic!
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 1 Apr 2010, 22:36, closed)

sounds like a nutjob
I wouldn't bother stay in contact, she'll have you jumping through hoops if you do.
(knackerz is skinning up, Mon 5 Apr 2010, 5:41, closed)

She's clearly a nutjob
If she blows up over that imagine what she'd do in a more controversial situation. You're well shot of her.

Incidentally is she the one from the flirting qotw?
( pixel_fucker is going to need a bigger brush, Tue 6 Apr 2010, 11:56, closed)

Yes she is.
Oh well, onwards and upwards....
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Wed 7 Apr 2010, 11:23, closed)

Better off out of it mate
Then again my other half works in a strip bar where you can get a fully nude dance for a tenner (she's a barmaid not a stripper by the way)... so maybe my perspective is equally skewed in the other direction. Though I do believe that the lady who has decided to finish with you has been so far over the top in her reaction that in the long run it's better - what would she have done if you had been to a proper strip bar?
(rampants, Wed 7 Apr 2010, 17:20, closed)