Honest guv I weren't even there
When I was about 16 I worked in a hardware shop during school holidays & weekends. One evening I had a rather vivid dream about the shop being burgled. The next morning, walking in to work I bumped into the manageress. Walking along chatting merrily, I heard an alarm bell in the distance and joked that it was probably our shop as I'd dreamed we'd been burgled.

Lo and behold, get to the shop and it is indeed our alarm going off. Cue remarkable expression of horror / sudden realisation / uttter hatred on the face of managaress, and no doubt, an equally vivid expression of "oh shit" / "wish I hadn't said that" / "I'm about to befoul my underwear" upon my own face.

It didn't get much better, the culprits had evidently got in by kicking in a skylight window directly above a stockroom shelf which I had been up pissing around on the day before, kicking stock off for my workmate Greg to catch, with my footprints & fingerprints all over the place.

Shortly thereafter I found myself sat in front of some officers of her majesty's constabulary sobbing like a baby and desperately pleading that I really really really wasn't a burgling footpad with the audacity to turn up at the scene of the crime the next day and brag about my exploits.

I was only saved by the belated and spectacular realisation by the police several hours later that, although the skylight glass had been booted in, the metal bars underneath were very much intact, and as I was considerably less than six inches wide then neither myself - nor anybody else - had actually managed to get in.

And the manageress didn't even apologise. Hairy faced bitch.
(Ali Bongo 9000 Ali Bongo 9000, Tue 23 Nov 2004, 17:50, Reply)