for my dad last year
my brothers and i clubbed together and i went off to fortnum & mason to buy a giant hamper. the hampers are beautiful, but they are about £100 each, and he would blatantly never use it again, so i decided to choose all the items and get fortnums to do a presentation box.

my friend and i had so much fun choosing all these ridiculous luxury food items. however, as we have always gone on holiday over christmas since my mum died, i had to remember not to get anything perishable.

we got back from holiday on nye, and these amazing boxes were in the hallway. fortnums had done an absolutely brilliant job. the boxes were wrapped in their gorgeous paper and ribbons, all co-ordinated, and then every single item was similarly wrapped inside. it took him about 2 hours to open. but something wasn't quite right.

something, to be more accurate, did not smell quite right.

and the deeper into the boxes and the stuffing my father got, and the more paper and ribbons and strawberry & champagne jams and cracked black pepper & flakes of gold leaf mustards that littered our lounge, the worse the stench became. finally, he pulled out the last package, and we all recoiled.

it turns out that stilton doesn't like it if it is kept in a warm hallway for 2 weeks. or it likes it too much. either way, it ends up smelling like a tramp's foreskin, and the lounge reeked for weeks. i have no idea how it crept in there, i can only assume that i was being dim or my friend thought that she was being funny. not that it stopped my father from eating it, i am ashamed to add, oh no...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 27 Nov 2009, 14:43, 9 replies)

I like your dad
anyone who can eat rank cheese is ok in my books
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Fri 27 Nov 2009, 14:47, closed)

well
i really like offensively strong cheese myself, but this... this must have been like eating a cheese corpse.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 27 Nov 2009, 14:52, closed)

"Cheese corpse"....ewwww
i'll never eat stilton again*


*not true
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Fri 27 Nov 2009, 14:55, closed)

stilton is teh shit
but i dare you to leave it next to a radiator for a fortnight and then give it a go (erm, eating it, i mean)
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 27 Nov 2009, 14:57, closed)

HA! I'm not that sexually frustrated that I have to attempt coitus with smelly runny cheese
warm...runny...cheese...warm...

*leaves office early...stops off at supermarket*
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Fri 27 Nov 2009, 15:11, closed)

it's
the british version of "american pie".
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 27 Nov 2009, 15:39, closed)

Next time, try wotsits
Stilton strikes me as one of those cheeses that are supposed to look like cheese looks like when it has gone off, when it is sooooooooo past its ‘eat by’ date that the light from ‘eat by’ takes five minutes to reach it. It’s a cheese mystery – why are some cheeses considered ‘bad’ just because they are shot through with mould, smell like a submariner’s socks and have evolved to the point where they can solve simple Sodoku puzzles? Hats off to your dad though – he obviously has a palate discerning enough to enjoy cheeses that mere mortals would have decommissioned.
(Macnabbs may contain traces of exaggeration on, Fri 27 Nov 2009, 16:22, closed)

your dad should be very grateful
i would love a fortnum's hamper for christmas, but no, i get a second-hand bike because i "need the exercise".
bastards.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Fri 27 Nov 2009, 21:02, closed)

Chesse never goes off
It just turns into different types of cheese. It's like pokemon
( Tedium Alduce me to interlow myself., Sun 29 Nov 2009, 22:05, closed)