Practical Secret Santa..
When I was a spotty teenager, fresh out of college, I was working as an office assistant at an engineering firm, I had to do the secret santa thing at work, and I got one of our engineers out of the hat (well, paper bag..)

Needless to say, the budget was a fiver, which I went slightly over on, and he got from me:

1 Roll of Gaffer Tape (Silver - Wide)
1 Roll of Gaffer Tape (Silver - Narrow)
1 Roll of Gaffer Tape (Black - Wide)
1 Roll of Gaffer Tape (Black - Narrow)
1 Roll of Insulation Tape (Black)
1 Packet of SuperGlue
1 Black Permanent Marker
1 Pencil - One of those elliptical joiners pencils
1 Box of Chalk (White)

With these, I attached a note saying 'You can never have too much of this stuff'

He absolutely loved it - and it even put a stop to all the 'penpusher/desk jockey' jibes from his engineering crew which were aimed at anyone in a shirt & tie who happened to pass their workshop, and he even bought me a pint one night when we crossed our paths in the local boozer, I'd worked there for 3 years and we'd never said a word to each other. Ever.

Since then, I get on great with most of the lads, they've even helped me out with a few mechanical problems with my motor (I know absolutely fuck-all about cars) and even though I left the place in 1996, I still drink with the remaining few of them on a weekend.

Sometimes I guess the thought really does count, and the simplest things can go a long way.

I on the other hand, was given some flashing antlers from some twat in Telesales...
(danniekavanagh did nothing constructive on, Mon 30 Nov 2009, 17:27, 7 replies)

I've just had my works christmas present.
We can't afford to keep you, You're going to have to prepare for redundancy in the new year.... even though we are still recruiting.

Cheers Cockwads..
(Shadayim ..............., Mon 30 Nov 2009, 17:19, 9 replies)

Annual Let Down
When I was but a wee Kipper my parents didn't have that much money to splash about - this is in the late 60's/early 70's though so there wasn't actually THAT MUCH to splash out on.

However, the last thing a young boy needs to be handed at Christmas time, is a present that's soft.

We all know it's going to be clothes. Your heart sinks, knowing it's something you need, but not something you're actually going to want to play with.

Having a birthday so close to Christmas, I'm surprised they didn't give me a left slipper one day, and then the right one the next!
(Kliper Filllets Getting noticed by twats on the internet since, Mon 30 Nov 2009, 17:11, 9 replies)

What not to get
It was my Birthday yesterday and my parents had, as is traditional, sent me a present.

Now, I own the game Artciulate (it's a bit like tabboo) - and have even played it 4 times - once with my parents, it is quite good. They must have had this in mind when they selected my gift.

Because when, with excitement, I opened up the wrapping I discovered they had bought me -

An extra set of Articulate cards.

Come on, how many times do you have to play Articulate where you think to yourself "God I wish I had some extra cards"?

Trust me it is more then 4 times...
(MrHungry, Mon 30 Nov 2009, 16:42, 3 replies)

How Xmas can make or break relationships: A good few Wintertides ago one of my sisters asked for a digi set top box,
being a bit strapped (these were pricey at the time and I spend a lot of my time on benefits due to certain health issues) I got her a second hand one off a mate who'd upgraded, still worked fine, no major signs of use, I'll warn her beforehand it's not a new one so she's not disappointed, that'll do.

Well no it wouldn't she decided, she wanted a fucking new one or else.

So not wishing to get distanced from a close family member even though I have never asked her for anything pricey for Xmas nor indeed anything specific at all, nor has she ever asked me what I might like BTW, I took back the second hand one to sell on, and when visiting to get my present I gave her a new one from the sales that I could just about afford, and then proceeded to open my present.

It was a poundshop style no brand shaving set that I can safely assume would be under a fiver, if that. And I don't use aftershave and certainly wouldn't be trying to shave with what appeared to be a razor made by Mattel when the plastic extruder was having an off day.

Nice to see she made an effort after making me jump through hoops for 3 weeks. I necked most of her whiskey till I felt better.

Next year she asked for a DVD player and I said I would see what I could do (again at the time, very pricey). She got a soap and bubble bath set (that happened to be about the size and weight of a DVD player) from a pound shop, seeing as how she's a girl and smells.

Her present to me (wrapped and given BEFORE she found out there was no DVD player BTW) was a box of cheap inedible christmas-branded 'marzipan' sweets. Apparently, she communicated to my Mum who was trying to delegate, it's the thought that counts and she didn't have much money 'spare' that year and if I wanted something better I should get a fucking job and not expect hand outs from those who worked hard for their money, this before she left for her annual 2 weeks holiday in Spain.

Anyway we haven't spoken since, I decided to concentrate on people who I give a shit about instead.
( ..wil, Mon 30 Nov 2009, 16:04, 7 replies)

Do they know it's Christmas time at all?
My mother has occasionally gone through phases of being quite earnest; she has also occasionally gone through phases of being quite Christian. Sometimes, the phases have overlapped, leading to a phase of quite earnest Christianity.

Band Aid had just been released, and was playing on the radio. A little while in, it got to the lines
And there won't be snow in Africa this Christmas-time.
The greatest gift they'll get this year is life..."

She looked at me seriously. "Yes, life really is the greatest gift, isn't it?"
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Mon 30 Nov 2009, 15:14, 10 replies)

A small number of Yules ago....
....my current cockwash purchased me a 'lovely' giftbox set containing a pen and a selection of 5 Belgian chocolates.

Not an expensive present I'll grant you (as the still-attached £3.50 price tag attested), but bought with thought and loving care based on 2 considered truisms: 1. I occasionally write things down, and 2. I'm a fat bastard.

Bless. Cheap yet thoughtful, and easily the moral and heartfelt equal to the iPod I got her.

Or at least it would have been had the top heavy object of my random affections not eaten one of the sodding chocolates. Disregarding the pen (which incidentally I did), she spent £3 on me, then ate 20% of it. What a baggy old pair of cortinas de la carne de vaca, as they say in Spain.

I love her to bits really, but this year I'm just going to kick her in the fish mitten.
(NoveltyCondomHead Clanks Wams., Mon 30 Nov 2009, 15:09, 7 replies)

For a bunny-boiler I know
A buttplug. With a card saying "This will probably be much more comfortable than the stick you currently employ."
(DarkLite swallowed my entire undercarriage, Mon 30 Nov 2009, 14:25, Reply)

I had an unexpected Christmas present the other day...
...a Parking fine. Lovely.
(Stephen5555 is posting on, Mon 30 Nov 2009, 14:19, 2 replies)

One year...
My girlfriend got me a foot pump areoplane, a Japanese set of chopsticks, rice steamer, wee bowls, (not for weeing in just small bowls that frustratingly wouldn't hold a weetabix), and a jumper.

I had asked for a controller and a blowjob.

I got her a new TV as she asked.

She received The Great British victory over the Australian rugby league squad from 1996...taped off the telly.

Not with her anymore.
(Feeb is a smooth operator, operating correctly, Mon 30 Nov 2009, 13:52, 1 reply)

Bad present Hampers
I'm sure lots of people here are in the same situation as my wife and I - ie; stoney broke. This makes Christmas an interesting affair. But this year we've had a genius idea:

Christmas hampers full of the old crap that we get bought every year and never use.

So far we've made hampers with:

Romanian Wine
Bath Salts
Art Sets
etc

Top them up with cheap trinkets from Poundland stores (that "how to draw a cat" set from The Works as featured in a previous post is genius!)

Hopefully people will find it funny :D

Also, for a stupid Secret Santa idea, my friends hit upon the idea of having a "how many presents can we get for a fiver" competition - so it's quantity rather than quality. I once got 8 parcels to open from my friend, which consisted of a colouring book, a whistle, a pack of cards, a water pistol and several other bits and pieces - ironically one of the best gifts I received that year!
( h3donist tryin' to play me out as if my name is Sega.., Mon 30 Nov 2009, 13:22, 3 replies)

Making Christmas
Me and the Mister are a bit skint this year, so I thought it would be nice to make Christmas presents for our friends and family this year.

So every night for the past couple of weeks I have been not unlike an elf slaving away in Santa's workshop. I have been knitting jumpers and making sweets. Not the most original of presents, but it's the thought that counts, right?

In truth, we're not THAT skint. It's just that we really want to buy ourselves a Nintendo Wii and buy cutting back on what we spend on other people, we can afford it. Huzzah!
(camomile, Mon 30 Nov 2009, 12:25, 6 replies)

This QOTW is a bit pants
can we move on please
(CaptainCuntyBollocks the man who can with a frying pan full of lamb, Mon 30 Nov 2009, 12:17, 7 replies)

Advice Please!
My brother has texted me this:

"Quick question. My mate likes this girl, but he's so far in the friend zone it's not even funny. By a stroke of luck he got her for Secret Santa. The limit is £10. What should he get her and should the present attempt to convey his feelings?"

I open the floor to you...
( cakelady, Mon 30 Nov 2009, 12:00, 29 replies)

Secret Santa
I wasn't going to tell this story due to sheer disinterest, but, the QOTW is kind of bad enough for this to be a passable effort. And, I'm slightly bitter and still want my money back.

A couple of years ago when I was at university I worked at a student bar, let's call this 'The Garage', not because that is what it was called, but because I have a big enough ego to worry about people in here knowing who I am and releasing knowledge of my internet double-life on to the world.

So this place was pretty cliquey - there were about 8 of us hired at the beginning of the year, the rest were the general arse-licking bum chums you get working in studenty outlets. I found it quite hard to get into the group because I wasn't overly-familiar with everyone and was always put on shift with the guys, so with the general incestruous feel of the pub the matriachal chicklets didn't trust me.

This Christmas was the first time I'd ever been part of a 'secret santa'. I decided to take part, I like to think this is because I wanted to take part and didn't want anyone to be lest presentless. It may just be due to me picking the name of someone I actually liked. I'd got one of the other new guys - a funny little hippy called Andy. The one secret santa rule was that it was to cost about £7.50. My present cost £7.95 (YES I KNOW THE EXACT PRICE - I WAS A STUDENT WORKING PART TIME IN A BAR) Anything else went (I know someone got a DIY chlamydia testing kit). I ended up going for a miniture drum kit - I loved it, I'm sure Andy would love it, everyone would surely put in enough effort to get something that would make their Secret Santee either smile or laugh.

Then I found out Andy had actually left the pub - right before I'd handed in the drum. That's okay I thought - I'll get the present back. My best friend was also a funny little hippy. So maybe he could have a present for once. Nope - apparently the office had just been 'redone' so my gift had gone for a wander. It's easy to mistake a substantially sized present. No whiff of 'opened, and jacked' here.

And my gift? Well, I was told by about three people that they knew who my santa was and that they had gotten me something. it's been almost two years now and nothing, so I'm gonna call bull - honky.

I wouldn't be so bitter about it if I wasnt sure that the drum had been nicked by the manager - an arsehole (this guy had been bum licked all the way to felch town) who made me stay on til 5am for lock-ins on uni nights and on one of these occasions had me 'joke sacked' by one of his friends for two weeks.
(ignoramusaurus, Mon 30 Nov 2009, 11:39, 2 replies)

I'm going to get...
Tiger Wood a new driver for his Xmas.
(scotsbloke, Mon 30 Nov 2009, 11:18, 3 replies)

my mother
once had a boyfriend who was very excited about the christmas presents he had bought for her and her family. they had met at university, and he had moved up to yorkshire to be with her, where he had got himself a great job. he could not wait to splash the cash and share the love. bubbling with glee, he could not keep the secrets to himself, and told her that he had bought jewellery for her; albums for her brother, who was an amateur dj, and nice things for her parents too.

on the big day, he was down south with his own parents. my mother's family gathered round expectantly to open his presents. they all felt very light, but maybe he had just used big boxes, they thought.

and they were right. he had. he had just wrapped up a load of empty cereal boxes.

when he returned to yorkshire, my mother asked him what on earth he had been playing at. he replied that he could not understand it; the presents had been in there when he left. he said that they must have been burgled, and the thieves had known which presents to target. yes, and had bothered to replace them with empty boxes in matching paper and with the tags carefully stuck on them.

shortly after that, my mother discovered his great job was non-existent and he had been living in his car, using the spare key to her parents' place to sneak in during the day and steal food...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 30 Nov 2009, 10:44, 4 replies)

Help me B3tains, you're my only hope...
The current Mrs Mudbutton got Tiffany jewellery for her Birthday and now i have screwed myself for Xmas... What the hell beats that?

Bugger!
(MudButton does not mean to offend but......, Mon 30 Nov 2009, 10:40, 18 replies)

One Year I got....
A top of the range mobile phone from the Mrs Mudbutton and Little Mudbutton's. It was a very expensive gift and so much so they tied it in with my 30th B'day!

Now i realise that at Xmas/B'days 'It's the thought that counts'

I should of been more grateful however, the fact that i had chosen it, ordered it and paid for it and all they (when i say they i mean her, kids were far to young to realise) was intercept the postie and stick a fecking bow on the city link bag..

Suffice to say, no longer Mrs Mudbutton, i dunno i guess i thought her heart wasnt in it anymore, I win though, i got to keep the mini Mudbuttons they buy me ace prezzies every year now, I still pay for em but hey we cant have everything?
(MudButton does not mean to offend but......, Mon 30 Nov 2009, 10:36, 2 replies)

A course in how to BELM properly.
I will hand out carefully wrapped empty boxes to everyone. Then when they open it, and find to their surprise that the cupboard is bare..they will say..but there's nothing here..to which I will belm profuseley at them.
(TheRiddler Hmmmmm... I concur., Mon 30 Nov 2009, 9:39, 1 reply)

something fishy...
A fishbowl. A couple of wind-up fish toys. Some pebbles. Some fish food.

A note - "just add water"
(russet_gusset up the reds, Mon 30 Nov 2009, 6:50, 4 replies)

Father knows best.
For as many years as I can remember now, when asked what sort of pressie he wanted my father would answer 'Chocolate'

Juvenile me would scoff and believe that my fertile imagination could come up with better ideas than that and so father endured a trickle of semi useful tat - radio bottle openers, multi-tool wotsits, solar powered beer chillers. You get the idea.

Now that I am older I finally understand. Your own stash of chocolate is bloody great. Thats what I'll be giving. That's what I want. In fact to short circuit the whole happy fucking joy bag holiday bonhomie I'll just going to buy some for myself.

PS - No you can't have any and the fact I have lots is a testament to my ability to plan ahead- Fuck off and play with your Chinese made future landfill gift
(schrodingers cat now you see me, or not, Mon 30 Nov 2009, 3:23, 6 replies)

The one year I got Dad's present right
My dad is an absolute horror to buy for, whatever any of us think of he is almost guaranteed to buy himself within a few days of the idea occurring.

However a few years ago I had the brainwave of buying him one of those new fangled DAB radios and feeling rather pleased with the idea I went and picked one up about a fortnight before Christmas. Happily the idea of buying himself one hadn't seemed to come to him so I pleaced the carefully wrapped present under the tree feeling quite smug that this year would finally be the one where I got it right for once.

Cut to Christmas morning and I come downstairs to see the radio playing away on top of the fridge, as you might guess this puzzled me, I know that I'd slept quite late but it would be very out of character for him to open my present when I wasn't up yet. Sure enough I peered into the front room and there in all its shiny glory was my present still under the tree.

Walking back into the kitchen I said as casually as I could manage
"New radio Dad?"
"oh, yes. I got it yesterday. Look at all this stuff it can do" he said showing me the various features. Before he could go into much detail and barely containing my ire I just straight out asked him quite what the fuck he thought he was doing buying himself something like that on Christmas Eve.
"Oh" he said, "I guess that might not have been the best idea"
At least he kept the receipt for his and could return it and I knew that even if he'd nearly killed the plan I had for once been able to get him exactly what he wanted.
(bill, Mon 30 Nov 2009, 2:53, 2 replies)

Michael McIntyre's Corpse
I'll do it for anyone that asks... won't be much of a surprise, just welcome relief I guess :0)
(hengushrh is found at the Dole office every second thursday, Mon 30 Nov 2009, 0:46, 1 reply)

Santas Sack...
I got the sack last thursday for doing a t'riffic job in half the time it should have.

My ex bosses address is...

My family and I would like to take the opportunity to wish him a very bhuddist xmas and a Karmic new year. Cunt.
(hengushrh is found at the Dole office every second thursday, Mon 30 Nov 2009, 0:26, Reply)

I've just started going out with Heather Mills
I'm going to get her a plane.

And a razor for the other fucking leg.

badam...tish
(magic the cat will someone please think of the kittens, Sun 29 Nov 2009, 22:33, Reply)

fuck christmas
fuck it in the ass.

The pubs are full of amateur drinkers so there's a fucking huge queue at the bars, telly is shit, and everyone expects you to be fucking jolly.

Fuck you christmas.

And your fucking mother.
(magic the cat will someone please think of the kittens, Sun 29 Nov 2009, 22:21, 4 replies)

Mr Spanners Earnt Real Man Points With This
Technically it's a birthday present (but they're so close it doesn't really count), and I wasn't technically meant to know until Christmas (we have ways of making you talk...) - he's taking me to Iceland, and not the shop either. Somehow he's arranged all this with work, my parents (babysitting) and sneaky cash smuggling. He's just earnt himself enough man points for at least another 12 months of.... ;)
(Spanners80 is keeping the voices in her head company, Sun 29 Nov 2009, 21:26, 2 replies)

The gift of booze
Thanks to some scrumping in my September lunchbreaks, I've now got a vast supply of sloe gin. I'm planning to put it in nice little bottles and attach the cocktail recipe for a 'Christmas Morning' which is just sloe gin topped up with bubbly.
Yay, alcohol rules.
(Mr McKenzie Mr McKenzie, Sun 29 Nov 2009, 18:46, 3 replies)

Oh yes
Think I've just found the perfect present for everyone - family, friends, objects of affection - this christmas. Ladies and gentlemen, for £1.99, I propose the greatest christmas present ever to be this:



The accompanying twitter blurb seems to suggest you can get it from The Works - fantastic budget stationary/trinket chainstore
(raymond "three griddle pans" luxury yacht lovin' the christmas action, Sun 29 Nov 2009, 18:43, 7 replies)