Gift Warfare
The hardest person to buy for at this time of year without any doubt is my mate Steve. We’ve built up a bit of a tradition over the past four or five years of finding each other the most hideous, indescribably useless, plain fucking awful crap known to humankind. A couple of years ago Steve gave me a weird centaur toy he’d made from a second-hand action man, one of his kids battered old My Little Pony’s, and the liberal application of his lighter to melt the fuckers together into one gooey, scary-as-fuck single entity. But Steve lost. I actually fucking loved that centaur. In return I gave Steve a subscription to Women Only, delivered to his workplace on the 1st of every month. He threatened me with castration over that one.

But this was somewhat eclipsed last Christmas.

I was staying down in Penarth with my girlfriend’s Liz’s family, doing the ‘sorry I’m fucking your daughter but I’m not really that bad, honest’ routine with her parents. Generally trying to pretend to be a decent, upright God-fearing young fellow for the duration of my stay. It get’s round to Christmas Day. As is traditional in Liz’s household, all the pressies are brought out and placed on the dining table after the fuck off huge Christmas dinner (I swear we’d just devoured the honey glazed corpse of a pterodactyl). We then take it in turns to go round the table, open a gift, look all delighted and as pleased as a Preist who’s just successfully drugged and gagged a choirboy and dragged the poor fucker into the vestibule, and then we move on to the next person to watch them open their pressie.

My girlfriend and I had carted all our gifts up from London. Seemed pretty pointless but Liz wanted her parents to see what a nice boy I was, how many lovely gifts I’d bought their daughter (thankfully all the stuff that needed batteries or were wipe clean were left at home). The pile of gifts if reducing, then I see something. Something in a different type of wrapping paper than the others. I see its got my name on it.

I lean over to Liz and whisper: “Wassthat?”

Liz leans close and whispers in my ear: “’S from Steve. He dropped it off while you were working Christmas Eve.” This was the first time I considered it might have been a good idea to have told Liz about the Women Only subscription…

I felt my sphincter clamp shut, my palms go sweaty…

Eventually, having opened all the others with my name on, I reached forward and picked up Steve’s gift. It was quite small, felt… like clothing… crinkly clothing…

“This is from my friend,” I say. “Think I’ll open it later. It’s probably silly anyway.”

Liz’s mad old auntie, Kathleen, says in her sing-song Welsh way: “Don’t be silly! Go on, open it!” Trembling, I pull open the wrapping. I stare down. I gulp, rubbing my hands over the ‘gift’. Kathleen continues: “Go on, let’s have a look! Don’t be shy!” I hold it up, Liz’s mouth turns from a smile to that almost indistinct, almost imperceptible: ‘you’re in fucking trouble bigtime, pal’ frown.

Liz’s family stare.

And stare...

I go to put it down, mumbling: “It’s just a joke. I’m not, you know, I don’t like this sort of thing… I mean, I’m not into this… sort… of… thing…”

Then Kathleen pipes up, seeing me flounder: “I dunno. Seems practicle to me. A waterproof balaclava! Who’d have thought! Go on, gissa go!” Kathleen had had a few drinkies by this stage, she snatched Steve’s gift out of my hands and attempted to pull it on over her head. It took Liz’s dad and brother to wrestle the damn thing off her.

Kathleen was so taken with it, I was tempted to give her the damn thing for keeps… but the thought of her walking down to Tesco’s in Barry wearing a thick wooly cardigan, a pair of wellingtons, and a rubber gimp mask behind her thick NHS glasses nearly tipped me over the edge…
( SpankyHanky, Tue 1 Dec 2009, 11:41, 11 replies)

hahahaha!
officelols :D

Are you two Gavin And Stacey?
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Tue 1 Dec 2009, 12:06, closed)

good god
give him some credit. That is one of the worst, most over-rated pieces of shit on TV.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 1 Dec 2009, 13:49, closed)

Oh dear
I can see this escalating!
(Kliper Filllets Getting noticed by twats on the internet since, Tue 1 Dec 2009, 12:45, closed)

Any ideas for this year's gift would be appreciated
Thinking of sending a packet of white powder with some kind of death threat scribbled in arabic with the words ANTHRAX stamped on it to his work... but that might be going a little too far.
( SpankyHanky, Tue 1 Dec 2009, 12:52, closed)

Hmmmm
You could 'shop some images of him in a "compromising position" with another chap, send them with a love letter to his work, but don't put a name on the front.
It'd have to be opened by reception no doubt...
(Kliper Filllets Getting noticed by twats on the internet since, Tue 1 Dec 2009, 13:05, closed)

Make him a fake CV with his photo attached.
Then apply for literally hundreds of obsure jobs with it ie Circus Juggler, Sewage Worker, banana picker etc.

Get all the applications sent back to you and stick them on a site, and give him the URL for Chrimbo.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Tue 1 Dec 2009, 13:44, closed)

These are both interesting ideas...
They both require the use of a PC - unfortunately I am officially shit at anything to do with PC's and could cause myself an injury trying... But if I can pester my IT bod here in the office into giving me a hand (we're both pretty much doing fuck all today), well, might be onto something...

Either that or I could just give Steve a lump of frozen dogshit.
( SpankyHanky, Tue 1 Dec 2009, 14:09, closed)

lol
Frozen blue bottles. Collect loads of them in a bag and freeze them. When it's cold they hibernate, so literally delivering a bag of them to him in a bag will freak him out.

Even more so when they all start waking up....
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Tue 1 Dec 2009, 14:15, closed)

Don't
do the anthrax, just on the possibility that he panics, and the police haul you away.

I'd go for the 'shopping idea, sounds brilliant!
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Wed 2 Dec 2009, 11:01, closed)

Welsh people are unshockable.
Fact.

Much experience of the Welsh from young to old has proven it to me, and I love them for it.
(ConanTroutman thought we would free the vulture, Tue 1 Dec 2009, 13:08, closed)

waterproof balaclava
had me laughing like a loon!
as for the gift, piss in an ice cube tray and present him with a bag of yellow ice cubes for his christmas drinks
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Tue 1 Dec 2009, 20:03, closed)