bit of a lather
I was seeing a fella for some no-strings-attached action. Having spent the weekend delightfully working our way through several sets of bed sheets, a variety of dodgier-looking household utensils and a giant bottle of Astroglide, he left to get the next train home.

He texted later to say there was a slight problem. It seems that, not wanting the weekend to end, he'd nipped into the train toilets for a quick wank. He there found out that cheap liquid train toilet soap does not a good lube make. Still, no harm done - once the swelling had gone down and the rash had subsided and the burning had stopped and his skin grew back.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Thu 29 May 2008, 19:17, 3 replies)

I know a bloke
who did just this while watching porn in his flat. He used undiluted Fairy liquid. Now while hands that do dishes may be soft as your face, cocks fare rather less well, and he had a red raw bell end for days.

That was mistake no. 1. Mistake no. 2 was telling us all about it.

This happened 15+ years ago, but to this day he is still referred to a "Fairy Liquid Bob".
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Fri 30 May 2008, 8:29, closed)

A guy

who I was at college with back in the day used Swarfega. God knows what possessed him to use that, but by all accounts his cock was in a terrible mess.
(Kia Ora it's 2 orangey 4 crows, it's just 4 me and my dog, Fri 30 May 2008, 9:13, closed)

Bell redness
I know a chap so eager to please on a first date that he dipped his old chap into listerine. Still fearful of Bell related offensiveness, he opted to back up the listerine with undiluted Dettol...

Poor fucker was wincing from the pain of his chemically induced burns to play hide the sausage for a good few days after that.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Fri 30 May 2008, 9:55, closed)