I am officially the most boring person in the world...
...and this was proven down my local on Saturday night.

I live in a little Somerset village that has basically been cut off from the outside world for the past week due to the snow (we made the national news, W/Y/H!). Anyhoo, I spent last week housebound and by Saturday night I was starting to suffer from cabin fever, so I donned many layers of clothes and like Captain Oats trudged out into the snow, "I may be some time...because i'm going down the pub".

I managed to get to my local without falling down a crevice but we lost five good men and a team of dogs when an ice storm hit as we traversed a pressure ridge in the ice pack...err...car park. My heart sank as I entered the premises, it was empty, not one customer, just me, the miserable landlord and his fat miserable wife who took one withering look at me and fucked off (Cruel World 1 : My Ego 0).

It would have been rude to walk out so I bought a pint and started chatting to the landlord who promptly rolled a fag and went outside (Cruel World 2 : My Ego 0). So there I was, standing like a twat on my own in an empty pub, nursing a pint (did I mention feeling like a twat) when one of the few young women in the village stuck her round the back door, whispered, "Are you the only one in here?" I nodded, she mouthed the word "Sorry" and disappeared into the night (Cruel World 3 : My Ego 0).

The landlord seemed to be taking a long time to smoke his poxy little roll-up so I wandered over to the pool room and there he was playing the fruit machine, HIS fruit machine with his fat miserable wife (Cruel World 4 : My Ego 0). I thanked them for a wonderful evening and braced myself for the icy windswept journey to the next pub.

So there you have it. I am officially the most boring person in the world, landlords would rather play their own fruit machines than talk to me and young women run away at the sight of me. So at the end of play I believe the final score is Cruel World 4 : My Ego nil, but wait, in the last seconds of extra time you have just realised that you will never get back the last few minutes of your life wasted reading this drivel and a late goal seals My Egos thrashing. On the final whistle it's Cruel World 5 : My Ego nil...surely the fans will not stand for this travesty...
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Mon 9 Feb 2009, 11:50, 11 replies)

*click*
Fuck knows why...

...but that was a good read, cheers.
( SpankyHanky, Mon 9 Feb 2009, 12:39, closed)

Cheers
Cruel World 5 : My Ego 1
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Mon 9 Feb 2009, 12:41, closed)

Well,
and I imagine only someone with an incredibly huge cock could've written that masterpiece... Give yourself another point, matey.
( SpankyHanky, Mon 9 Feb 2009, 12:48, closed)

Ha Ha!
that's the nicest thing said to me today!
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Mon 9 Feb 2009, 12:55, closed)

*click*
for enjoyable readage.
(bazmorningstar efil4nat3b, Mon 9 Feb 2009, 13:23, closed)

Ta
reading it does seem more enjoyable than living it
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Mon 9 Feb 2009, 14:18, closed)

quick tip
If you heading to the pub, and not planning on meeting anyone there, take a book, you go straight from alcoholic to intellectual loner in one careful step.

plus you can sit in the corner by the fire and ignore everything around if needs be
(Halfy By light alone, Mon 9 Feb 2009, 14:16, closed)

You high flying city boys might be able to do that
but publicly reading a book in Somerset is likely to get me chased by an angry mob wielding pitchforks and burning torches. However, that would be a more interesting evening than the one I had.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Mon 9 Feb 2009, 14:22, closed)

umm
im a bumpkin living just outside Cambridge.

Plus the angry mob would have had to collect the winnings from the fruit machine before going all Wat Tyler!
(Halfy By light alone, Mon 9 Feb 2009, 14:32, closed)

It's obvious...
that you need to sack the manager and bring in Avram Grant. It's the only way...
(annexed, Tue 10 Feb 2009, 13:26, closed)

Which establishment might this be?

(oneinthepink is at your cervix m'lady, Tue 10 Feb 2009, 15:13, closed)