Alcohol has a funny effect on me...
It doesn't make me be particularly violent, emotional, unbalanced or unhinged, but it does have one noticeable and recurring effect: I seem to lose the ability to recognise people. Or more specifically, I lose the ability to distinguish complete strangers from friends that I have known for years. This interesting anomaly, in varying degrees, has left me in unusual situations, resulting in some of the best nights of my life. It has also, predictably, resulted in varying degrees of physical violence being met out upon my person. And let's face it, that's what you want to hear about.

I'll save the story of the time I had a quick grope with my girlfriend at a party before realising she was watching me from across the room for another time.

However, the "toilet incident" is probably more apt for this QOTW. And you'll probably want to know why a man with piss all over his shoes, and his cock hanging out of his fly, felt it necessary to teach me a lesson which was remembered long after the bruising around my eye had subsided.

I was in a bar with a group of friends all merrily drinking to an advanced state of refreshment. It was getting late in the evening, and so the speed of drinking had reached a frightening pace as last orders loomed.

It was my turn to get the round in, and as I unsteadily lurched towards the bar, I realised that since I was on my feet, I should probably ease the strain on my bladder.

Staggering into the gents, I was confronted with a familiar form with his back to me. Mikey was stood at the urinal, mid-flow, staring intently at the poster in front of him and oblivious to my presence. So I thought I'd have a laugh.

Only, of course, it wasn't Mikey. It was an easy mistake to make. True, Mikey was about 6'4", about 18 stone and wearing a red top. But Mikey was sat back at the table. Mikey was waiting for his drink. And Mikey probably would have taken the events that followed in the good humour that they were intended.

Standing uncomfortably close to a stranger who is unaware of your presence, and bellowing the time-honoured gentleman's lavatory pun (perhaps this is just between me and my friends) of:

"Oh, so this is where all the dicks hang out!"

does not make strangers giggle.

It makes them jump out of their skin to the point of practically cracking their head on the ceiling, piss all over their shoes, and most importantly, it makes them very, very angry.

And then they punch you in the face.


I'd make some sort of length joke, but it just doesn't seem appropriate for this QOTW.
(Sloppy Giuseppe, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 22:50, 2 replies)

No pun apart from the pun(ch)....
...but that's funny as fuck - genuine LOL.
( jonbontempi, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 23:03, closed)

Admittedly, it's fucking tentative....
and probably doesn't read particularly well, but if you see a friend at the urinal and announce "So this is where all the dicks hang out", it's both literal as well as suggesting that your friend is a dick.

I probably didn't need to explain that but I'm quite pissed.

Hang on, don't I know you?
(Sloppy Giuseppe, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 23:11, closed)