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This is a question Puns

Tell us your best ever puns - get them out of your system now and let's not see them again.

Suggested by MatJ

(, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 12:52)
Pages: Latest, 26, 25, 24, 23, 22, ... 1

This question is now closed.

Okay b3ta...
...we've learnt our lesson about using excessively crap punnage in the QOTWs.

Now let the torture end.
(, Wed 11 Mar 2009, 14:20, 4 replies)
My one football pun...
what do you call it when supporters of Newcastle FC believe, that because they're a 'big club', they deserve to win?

I call it optynemistic!

Geddit?!?! optimistic + tyne, op-tyne-mistic!!!

I don't know why I bother and I'm sure you don't too!
(, Wed 11 Mar 2009, 14:08, 1 reply)
Shetland pony
trots into a chemist and asks for some strepsils.

Chemist asks: "Are you a little hoarse?"
(, Wed 11 Mar 2009, 13:42, 1 reply)
What do you call a group of people who don't know what a pun is?


(, Wed 11 Mar 2009, 13:35, Reply)
This one's mine...and I'm proud of it damnit.
I was asked to go to T.G.I. Friday's for dinner last week, but I refused on principle. My friend looked at me funny, and I explained to them that I could not go to somewhere called "Thank God It's Friday" and eat one of their burgers.

I believe in the separation of church and steak.
(, Wed 11 Mar 2009, 13:15, 5 replies)
Differentiate r3/3
I'm sure you'll find the result to be rather humorous.
(, Wed 11 Mar 2009, 13:07, 2 replies)
Something fishy
A man is out fishing in the sea, he gets a bite and reels in a fine looking salmon. No sooner has he pulled the hook from its mouth when the fish pipes up "Don't eat me, please don't eat me!"
The bloke is astounded ("fuck me a talking fish!") get's over himself and says
"Give me one good reason why I should throw you back?"
"Have a heart sir, my names Rusty, I am barely mature, my whole life is ahead of me, if you throw me back, I promise, if you catch me again you can keep me"

The bloke has clearly been sitting in the sun too long, not realising the money making potential to be made from a talking fish and agrees to throw him back.

Time goes along a little while and a couple of years later the fisherman is in the same neck of the woods and is astounded to pull in the same fish from the water.
"Alright Rusty! How are you doing mate? What you been up to?"
"Not too bad, been about a bit, swam here, swam there, been around the Titanic, wrote a book of poetry..."
"A book?! Get away, what did you call it"
"The Titanic Verses by Salmon Rusty"

So the guy picks up the fish and bangs his head on the side of the boat for coming out with such a crap joke, the end
(, Wed 11 Mar 2009, 12:49, 3 replies)
What noise does an Italian car with a flat tyre make?
Dago wop wop wop
(, Wed 11 Mar 2009, 12:47, Reply)
Did you hear about Carly Simon…?

She developed powers and became a crime fighting hero, then she invented a refridgeration system for psychosomatic medicine that ran Windows old (but reliable) operating system.

But there was a bloke called…erm…Ali Doe, and he complained about it, so we all wanted him to be quiet….

(brace yourself)


Stick THAT up your arse and swivel, Scottish Sun writers!

I know, I know...my suicide note is in the post
(, Wed 11 Mar 2009, 12:30, 4 replies)
Time to have my own little strop about this question.
/clears throat loudly

Meh...what do I care? I'm off to a brewery tour now. Woo!
(, Wed 11 Mar 2009, 12:25, 3 replies)
Did you hear...

About the fashion designer that was beaten to death with a flute...?

eh...? eh...?
(, Wed 11 Mar 2009, 12:19, 4 replies)
There was once this website
Where occasionally an interesting question would be set each week. Sometimes the responses would be funny, others lies, but the majority were often badly written by seventeen year olds.

Everyone was happy with this status quo... or happy-ish as the suggestions page seemed to be ignored on a regular basis.

Then someone said "Why don't you pick this week's question?"

Someone else replied "What, did you say the weakest suggestion?"

The end.
(, Wed 11 Mar 2009, 12:15, 9 replies)
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.
(, Wed 11 Mar 2009, 12:07, 4 replies)
God, Ted
D'you remember that feller who was so good at fashion, that they had to shoot him?
(, Wed 11 Mar 2009, 11:58, 1 reply)
I'm beginning to think that
it would almost be worth having more fashion designers gunned down, just so we could all enjoy seeing that excellent "Shoots You" joke in the newspaper once again.
(, Wed 11 Mar 2009, 11:38, Reply)
This is a true one
Was in the pub the other week with my mate Steve. He starts chatting with this group of ladies. He's at that stage of being so pissed that when one blows him out he simply shifts his attention to the next in line. Not caring at all that the new object of his affections has just heard his lines being used on her mate stood next to her.

So, he leans on the bar and slurs to this new girl: "People say I remind them of Tom Cruise."

She shoots back: "What - you're short and weird?"

I very nearly bought her a drink.
(, Wed 11 Mar 2009, 11:35, 1 reply)
Anyone else
bored to death of this shite already?

I say anyone posting puns after this ends be hung drawn and quartered

with a few exceptions, mind
(, Wed 11 Mar 2009, 11:35, 1 reply)
Versace is dead?

when the fuck did that happen?
(, Wed 11 Mar 2009, 11:33, 3 replies)
This QOTW is like the movie Alive
Its cold.

Its painful.

Its harsh.

It makes people delerious.

And I'm thinking of asking Pooflake if he'll let me eat him (just for half an hour or so).

(Even thinking of changing my name to Pedro).
(, Wed 11 Mar 2009, 11:25, 4 replies)
Daily Sport Headline
When Versace was shot. Was fucking hillarious. It read:


Shoots You Sir!

Ahahahaha....can't believe it's not bindun!
(, Wed 11 Mar 2009, 11:19, 6 replies)
Perfect match
I met a dolphin on match.com last year and we were together for six happy months.

We just clicked!
(, Wed 11 Mar 2009, 11:11, Reply)
Village Fate
Nice and sunny, pimms and lemonade, the blue rinse brigade are out in full force.

There's a best pet competition in full swing.

One of the old dears has got a fucking huge rotweiller, snarling and snapping at passersby. She looks over to the elderly gentleman sat next to her. He has a rather splendid looking fowl in a cage. The bird starts clucking away.

The old lady with the dog tuts: "That cock will be swallowed whole if it goes anywhere near my Growler." and she pats her doggy on the head and continues eating her cream scone.
(, Wed 11 Mar 2009, 10:59, 7 replies)
Did you hear about the big chill that hit alabama.

It suddenly dropped to -10

(Can also be changed to -9 for Albertville)
(, Wed 11 Mar 2009, 10:29, Reply)
pandas, the daily sport and versace
eats shoots (you sir) and leaves.

(, Wed 11 Mar 2009, 9:49, Reply)
A one, a two, a one two three four...
Little darling, its been a long cold lonely week on here,
Little darling, it feels like years since we've had fun,
Here come the puns, here come the puns,
and its not right

Little darling, you heard the one about Caly Thistle,
Little darling, or the constipated accountant with the pencil,
Not forgetting one-pun-in-ten,
Here come the puns, here come the puns,
and its not right

Little darling, I feel my brain cells slowly melting,
Little darling, its gonna take years for the sickness to disappear,
Here come the puns, here come the puns,
and its not right

Puns, puns, puns the fuckers won,
Puns, puns, puns the fuckers won,
Puns, puns, puns the fuckers won-

(, Wed 11 Mar 2009, 9:19, 10 replies)
There was a conference to discuss the global effect of this QotW…

Every world leader was invited, but the only ones who bothered to turn up were the royal male Islamic religious heads of state from Iran, Azerbaijan, Bahrain and Iraq.

The first Monarch took to the podium and said:

“We should go out on a collective mission, to ensure that anybody who is not strong be totally ignored!...but anyhoo…before that, has anybody read the stack of ‘no-pun-in-ten-did’ replies yet?”

The second king slaps his thigh and shouts: “I agree with your plan, your majesty…and what about the ‘Shoots you, sir!’ ones? FFS!” *laughs*

The third retorted: “Count me in your highness...I move that only those here present should embark on this adventure!. Oh, and in the meantime, don't get me started with that 'Super-Calley-go-ballistic-Celtic-are-atrocious' effort! If I read that one more time I’m going to ram a cunting knitting needle through my eye socket!”

The fourth leader nodded, and looked despondently at the three men before solemnly declaring:

“Hmmm…it seems to me that this quest – ‘shun of the weak’…is just four-king shi-ite!”

Then they all got pissed, shagged birds and waited until Thursday.
(, Wed 11 Mar 2009, 9:03, 5 replies)
Just imagine, right
that some famous fashion bloke got shot, yeah, then if you were a newspaper editor, right, you could run the headline "Shoots you sir".

Wouldn't that be hilarious!
(, Wed 11 Mar 2009, 8:57, 2 replies)
shoots you sir
(, Wed 11 Mar 2009, 8:43, 1 reply)
My [something]'s got no [something rhyming with nose]
I have great affection for this pun:

Me: My dog's got no nose!
You: How does it smell?
Me: Awful!

So much so that it has become a sport at work to make similar-sounding versions of that joke. Here's a few, feel free to add your own:

Me: My keyb0ard's g0t n0 0!
You: How does it spell?
Me: Awful!

Me: My alliance has no Han Solo!
You: How does it rebel?
Me: Awful!

Fireman: My engine's got no hose!
Me: How does it quell (fires)?
Fireman: Awful!

Me: My butcher has no toes!
You: What does he sell?
Me: Offal!

Finally, and I imagine only of interest to people who work in IT, are three that actually came up during a particularly boring work day:

Him: My PC's got no Notes!
Me: How does it send mail?
Him: Awful!
(Lotus Notes is an email program)

Me: My calc grid's got no nodes!
Him: So how does Excel...?
Me: [interrupting] Awful!

Me: My boolean's got no "NO"
Him: So what does it tell?
Me: "YES"

Yes, I realise that few of these pale imitations are actual puns
(, Wed 11 Mar 2009, 8:16, 1 reply)
I remember When Versace was gunned down.....
and "The Sport" headline was


and a one more time... the more I hear it the more I love it...
(, Wed 11 Mar 2009, 7:26, 10 replies)

This question is now closed.

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