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This is a question Puns

Tell us your best ever puns - get them out of your system now and let's not see them again.

Suggested by MatJ

(, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 12:52)
Pages: Latest, 26, 25, 24, 23, 22, ... 4, 3, 2, 1

This question is now closed.

I hope I'm not alone on this...
...but I always have a little snigger whenever I see the adverts for:

Hiscox Home Insurance.
(, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 13:22, 3 replies)
A frog
walks into a bank.

He goes up to the counter and speaks to the cashier, a Miss Patricia Wakk.

He says, 'My name is Kermit Jagger, I want a loan of a million pounds. I have this china cow as collateral.'

She says, 'well, I will have to speak to the manager, this is most unusual.'

The manager comes over and Patricia says 'This is Kermit Jagger, he wants a loan, but all he has is this cow thing, I don't even know what it is'

The manager says 'It's a knick knack, Patty Wakk, give the frog a loan, his old man's a rolling stone'

(This is going to be painful by this time next week isn't it?)
(, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 13:22, 3 replies)
Emily & Emil
I work with a girl, Emily, who's trying for a baby, she'll come into work and tell me in graphic detail about what she gets up to with her boyfriend, a lad named Emil from Prague.

Apparently the best way to get up zee duff is to have incredibly deep penetrative sex. Either good old fashioned missionary or from behind if you're feeling a wee bit kinky. Then there's ovulation and temperature and folic acid and all this other shit, but I think it basically boils down to an awful lot of fucking.

So, I'll be sat there munching on a bacon sandwich while Emily's telling me about her previous evenings exploits. Puts me right off my food, as Emily is not the sort of person you want to imagine naked, let alone being impregnated. She looks a bit like the bastard child of Freddie Kruger and Janet Street Porter. I've actually had nightmares recently about that scene in Alien.

Thankfully, all this has stopped now.

Recently Emily came into work, sat herself down at her desk, looked up at me with tears in her eyes and said: "Emil went for a sperm test. He's got a low sperm count. He can't have children!"

Oh, dear...

"That's terrible. Now - how are we gonna pay these invoices?" I really didn't want to be drawn into a discussion about Emil's spunk potency - I had egg mayonaise sandwiches in my bag for later and, well, you know...

"Can we pay them by bank transfer?" Emily asked, pulling herself together, as I waved the bits of paper under her nose. She was still rubbing her eyes tearfully.

And I just couldn't resist it: "Well, its not as if either of us has got any use for a blank Czech."
(, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 13:20, 7 replies)
I not going to take part. Whatever you say!

Barracuda ...
(, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 13:18, Reply)
Knock Knock
Who's there?


Neil Who?

Neil Before Zod!
(, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 13:17, 2 replies)
I predict
lots of in-your-end-o
(, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 13:17, 1 reply)
There were these two elephants
and they fell off a cliff.

Boom! Boom!
(, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 13:16, 2 replies)
Or another
I've got a sister who works for British Gas.
Do you wanna meet her!
Or I've got a niece who works for BT, and she is hoping to get married. Do you want to give her a ring!
These are shite but I couldn't care less.
(, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 13:14, Reply)
Very Simply
I would rather have a bottle in front of me,

Than a full frontal Labotomy.

Is that a pun? God i am thick.

I'll get my coat.
(, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 13:13, 3 replies)
Two Ronnies
1. A lorryload of dogs overturned on the M3 today. Police say they have no leads.

2. A lorryload of hair restorer overturned on the M3 today. Police are combing the area.

(, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 13:12, 1 reply)
Did you hear about the magic tractor?
It went down the road, and turned into a field
(, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 13:11, 1 reply)
How about
If you fall out of that tree and break your leg, don't come running to me!
*thinks" I'll get my coat!"*
(, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 13:11, Reply)
What kind of bees can you get milk from?

(, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 13:11, 4 replies)
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson
Get back to Baker Street to discover the front door painted bright yellow. 'By Jove, Holmes', exclaimed Watson, 'Whatever is this meaning of this?!'

'It's Lemonentry, my dear Watson' replied Holmes.

Not sure if this strictly counts as a pun, but it's the origin of my user name, so there

What's the difference between a sly dwarf and syphilis?
One's a cunning runt....
(, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 13:10, 2 replies)
She was only the bartender's daughter,
but she knew how to hold her liquor.
(, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 13:10, 4 replies)
PUN! That sounds a bit like 'BUM' doesn't it??
(, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 13:10, 5 replies)
I'm usually coming out with them but can I think of one now? Can I buggery!

*EDIT* I can at least take consolation in the fact that I'm on the first page...that must count for something?

(, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 13:09, Reply)
Does this mean that
by Tuesday next week we'll be seeing reams of serious posts with no discernable punchline then?
(, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 13:07, 1 reply)
I had a mate who was suicidal.
He was so depressed, I pushed him in front of a steam train.

He was chuffed to bits.
(, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 13:06, 1 reply)
oh god it's Huge!
at least that's what Tsarina Alexdandra was told by her friend about Rasputin's knob.
(, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 13:05, 2 replies)
Here's one I knocked out (oh-ho!) just now
It was an August Saturday that we packed the car with the camping gear and headed off for a two week holiday under canvas.

As usual, the old man had kept our destination a closely-guarded secret, except for the fact that to make up for the previous year's wash-out in Somerset, we were going 'overseas'.


We headed south, and before long we were queuing for the ferry. The Isle of Wight ferry. Oh ha bloody ha.

Making the most of the short crossing, I wondered round the deck and took in the views. Standing just to my right was a vaguely familiar figure doing exactly the same.

Well screw me sideways with a scaffolding pole, if it wasn't former Beatle Paul McCartney, getting away from it all for a couple of weeks in a motor home on the Isle of Wight with poor, dead Linda.

He seemed quite open about the whole thing, and said it was a relief to be able to get out and do stuff without record company gophers doing everything up to and including wiping his bottom for him.

"Look," he said, producing a scrap of paper out of his pocket, "I even paid my own way – with me own MONEY!"

And so he had. In his hand he held his most prized possession at that moment, a symbol of his independence from the mad, mad world of mega-stardom: A ticket.

His ticket to Ryde.

(, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 13:04, 4 replies)
I wanted to say something really witty
but now the pressure is really on.

I've got post traumatic stress syndrome.
(, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 13:04, 4 replies)
[insert retrospection]
[insert lengthy ramble]
[insert sex and/or masturbation reference]
[insert long-winded build up]
[insert dreadful pun]
[insert value and unit of measurement/comparative reference]
(, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 13:03, 10 replies)
Chamillionaire, anyone? Like a chameleon, but also a millionaire. It's shit...

EDIT: And Gang Starr.

I'm sure there are loads more.
(, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 13:00, 1 reply)
On someone pissing themselves
'Urine trouble now'

On watching the news, and someone has accidentally driven into a house.
'I suppose that would be not-braking and entering then?'

On someone stabbing themselves in the foot with a fork
'He's got a point you know'
'Shall I point out his mistake'
'He's been defeeted'

More as they come back to me
(, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 13:00, Reply)
Why did Kenny Loggins go to hospital?
He had broken his ankle, he had a foot loose!
When asked about it, he said "I'm allright"
(, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 13:00, Reply)
An Abba Tribute band has had their instruments stolen!
they had left their van open on the street, and some criminals just decided to take a chance and decided to take it all, the band are offering money money money as a reward.
(, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 12:58, Reply)
Bit of an early change this week.

I'll try and thing of a whitty and amusing answer but don't hold your breath!

I suspect next weeks 'Best of' will be ruled by Apeloverage.
(, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 12:58, 1 reply)
Ha ha I can forsee this being like that horrible moment
when put on the spot to say something witty, all you can muster is......err bum?

Your punster is essentially like bread mould, it thrives and feed on the material it lands on.
(, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 12:54, 1 reply)
This is a reminder that you can suggest your own QOTW subjects here:

(, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 12:54, 16 replies)

This question is now closed.

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