Tina "Manchild" Jones & the night I really want to forget...
This is going back a bit.

Thank fuck.

In my early twenties I used to work in a toyshop up in Middlesbrough. Nice job, too many fucking children getting under your feet, but its easy enough to scrape an errant child off the sole of your shoe.

I used to work with a lad named Gary, and one night we went out on the piss to celebrate the fact that it was Friday. We were quite happily getting pissed, talking bollocks, eyeing up the local talent, when a behmoth the size of a block of flats sidles up to our table. At first I thought they'd been a total eclipse of the pub, but it turns out this - thing - was actually Gary's *ahem* little sister, Tina.

She sits down and starts bitching about her day. Fair enough. Its good to have a bit of a moan sometimes.

After a couple of rounds a thought struck my booze-addled brain. I knew Tina. She looked familiar.

"Where have I seen you before, Tina?" I slurred.

She shrugged her massive fucking shoulders, causing the entire pub to shudder.

Then it hit me. I'd seen her playing rugby on the TV. For the All Blacks. She was the spitting image of Jonah Lomu, only with tits.

It was one of those summer evenings where time appears to stand still, where your stuck in your nice comfy seat in the pub like its a fucking womb. The beer kept coming, then the spirits, I may even have drank a few bottles of alcoholic fairy liquid water aka Hooch.

My mate Gary suggests we go to a club. Fair enough. What else am I going to do with my money - open a savings account? So, the three of us end up in some dodgy pisshole of a club.

It was on the way there that I realised I was absolutely fucking cunted to fuck. I ended up staggering into this dark place, finding a nice sofa, and pretty much passing out.

God knows how much time passed, but I came awake when I felt a hand on my groin. A rather forceful hand, rubbing away urgently. I opened my eyes and realised Johna Lomu was attempting to wank me off. Then, before I could stop it, Jonah Lomu had his/her tongue ferreting round inside my gob like a Yorkshire terrier chasing a fucking rabbit down a hole.

And I hate to admit it, but I started to get a little bit aroused. I started to kiss Jonah Lomu back.

After a few minutes of the most incredibly painful tonsil tennis imaginable, I remember thinking, what the hell. I asked Tina if she'd like to come back to mine.

She nodded eagerly. Even in this light, I could swear I could make out a dark patch round her mouth and on her chin where she hadn't shaved properly.

My reasoning for inviting Tina back was simple - I was gonna get a shag. That's pretty much how my thought process goes when I'm pissed:

a) Is there anyone here I can shag?
b) How can I convince/trick them into a shag?
c) Shag or
d) Kebab on way home then an evening of furious wanking over the Adult Channel free preview

So, Tina and I leave the club and are heading for a taxi. The fact that passersby were looking at me and laughing, actually laughing, didn't seem to register.

As I've said already, I was gonna get laid and that's pretty much where my brain stopped working.

One awkward taxi ride later, with Tina attempting to remove the rivets from my jeans with her teeth and me trying not to throw up beer and tia maria and hooch all over her head, we were back at my place.

It was when we got inside I noticed the smell. Imagine the sweatiest, stinkiest changing room in the world stacked high with old socks, jock-straps, and pants. Times this by a hundred and you'll get some idea of the smell emminating from Tina's pits.

"Why don't we have a shower?" I suggested, trying not to gag.

A shag's a shag, Spanky - that was my silent mantra now. A shag's a shag.

"That would be lovely!" Tina exclaimed, and I directed her towards the shower. "Are you gonna join me?" she asked plaintively.

I could hardly say - "No, on account of there barely being enough room in the bathroom to for your fat arse, let alone an entire other human."

So I simply said I'd have one after and went to find some more booze. I was in danger of sobering up here.

When Tina returned she was naked. Or, at least I think she was. It was hard to tell past the rolls of excess skin and flab. I actually shuddered.

I didn't bother with a shower because Tina made it quite clear she wanted to get down to work. She pushed me back onto my sofa, knocking the wind out of me, and she proceeded to suck on my John Thomas as if she was doing CPR. It hurt. But I was getting my cock sucked. Fair trade off in my book.

After a while she asked if I'd: "Go down on her."

I declined, instead I said: "I just wanna be inside you..." The thought of trying to find her sweaty gash in the pounds of excess flesh was too much, I'd probably have required a compass to find my way down and I undoutbedly wouldn't ever return. I was half expecting to find the skeletal, fossilised remains of one of Tina's previous conquests stuck to her inner thigh.

And this is the terrible part...

Tina boomed: "Do you have any... you know... protection?"

My first thought was, I only hope I've got God on my side, because I'm going in but I'm not sure I'll make it out alive.

But then I figured out what she meant. Shit! I didn't have anything.

"Just a minute," I said, and I went to scout round my flat for a random johnny I might have left somewhere.

Bedroom - no joy.
Bathroom - fuck all.
Kitchen - errrr....

I opened the kitchen drawer and saw it, lying there, all inviting. Well, a shag's a shag. I told myself.

Thankfully, mini-me was standing proud. So I prepared myself and went back to my sofa, creaking under Tina's considerable weight.

"Found one," I slurred, thanking Christ I was so incredibly pissed.

And then we fucked. It was scary as hell. She was so HUGE I thought my arse was going to bang against the ceiling.

Afterwards, she dressed quickly and fucked off. And I was left there. I looked down at the spunky, gooey cling film I'd hastily wrapped round my now flacid cock. It looked like a weird bodage party specially prepared - for my penis.

It seemed to have done the trick, though.

Well, I haven't been chased for child support yet...

...or should that be manchild support?
( SpankyHanky, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 13:04, 15 replies)

I just wet myself laughing
"My first thought was, I only hope I've got God on my side"

Brilliant :D
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Thu 12 Mar 2009, 13:14, closed)

Brilliant!
Nearly wet myself!
(Save Us All !!!, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 13:17, closed)

Horrific, and yet, as ever, frighteningly compelling
To be honest, you'd already earned a click by the time I read "Total eclipse of the pub."

It's the way you tell 'em.
(LongJohnBaldry, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 13:24, closed)

MASSIVE
click from me
(Errin C, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 13:25, closed)

You really are wrong
just wrong

that is all

*click*
(Grrrrr Tigers, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 13:27, closed)

I've
had a similar sumo experience with internet dating, this girl I met must have been nearly 30 stone but like you say, a shag's a shag!
(Suomi_Finland_Perkele knocking 256 shades of shit out of your screen on, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 13:30, closed)

that just made me wretch
i've also never quite understood the whole 'fat bird' thing while drunk. as drunk as i've ever been and as much as i may have suffered from the beer goggles effect from time to time, i've never ever managed to get it into my head that having sex with an extremely overweight woman would be a good idea. lucky me i guess
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 13:47, closed)

Yeesh
That's put me right off my cornflakes. I'm surprised you didn't have to coat her in flour...
( jim_bob can herd cats., Thu 12 Mar 2009, 13:54, closed)

"I just want to be inside you"
Yep, I've used that one too, when what I really want to say is "I'm not putting my tongue near that thing, it'd have my face off".

I've even pretended to lick, but just spat on my finger and wiggled away with that. She was too fat to see over her belly though, so got away with that one. Oh, the ming, it gives me chills to this very day.

As someone who really enjoys "eating out at the Y", I'm ashamed to think of how bad some of my conquests have been to put me off the fish supper.
Will it make me think first in future? No, of course not....
(Rsoles, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 14:01, closed)

I can see...
...why that was cathartic for you.
( Undercovercarrot got done for gross misconduct on..., Thu 12 Mar 2009, 14:08, closed)

For every story like this
There are more women deterred from making the first move because they fear they're Johna Lomu.

This however, is hilarious so it is more than forgiven.

*clicks*
(mmmm curry doesn't really understand this sig lark, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 14:36, closed)

Click....
...but by Christ that was grim. Erm...well done?
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Thu 12 Mar 2009, 15:50, closed)

Jonah Lomu
Fixed that for you. Go the All Blacks!
(Helixdaunting, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 23:43, closed)

To my shame...
...I think I might have shagged her ginger sister :-(
(golddust QOTW now revolves around being a cunt, Fri 13 Mar 2009, 9:45, closed)

Sweet mercyful crap!
You're a wrong 'un dude. Keep it up! :)
(RVD420 has his world coming down on, Fri 13 Mar 2009, 18:00, closed)