To complete the triumvrate of my willy humilation.
As a student I had the fortune to spend hours in a pub (The Queen of Hearts, which has been mentioned in a previous answer) in the company of one of the hottest women I have ever known.

She was stunning.

Truly.

We drank, we laughed, we talked, we separated from the group and were in our own little world.

We took some drugs, we laughed some more, we bonded.

I was *in* and I knew it.

We drank some more, we took some more drugs.

She went to the bar.

And she didn't come back.

For ages.

I looked over the balcony to see where she was and she was stood, cornered against the wall by the bar.

by Steve Coogan.

'Oh', I thought, 'Well, there goes my chance'

But then, 'No' my drink and drug fuelled bravado said, 'I'm not having this, I know she is interested in me'

So I stormed down there.

I forced myself into the conversation. And I noticed the look of desperation in her eyes.

Coogan looked pissed off, he tried ignoring me, he tried shutting me out, but my speed and escatacy fuelled mouth was not letting him shut me up.

Eventually he stormed off.

She thanked me profusely, saying she had never met such a self absorbed arrogant arsehole in here life.

We went for a cigarette.

We kissed.

We walked back to hers.

We got to bed.

And...nothing...

She sucked it.

nothing.

She caressed it.

nothing.

I explored her, kissed her, tasted her.

Nothing, nothing, nothing.

Speed, Ecstacy, Northern Bitter, too many cigarettes.

Ok, I can live with the failure.

What I can't live with, what makes me cringe now, was her drunken, joking but still painfully insensitive 'I bet Steve Coogan would be fucking me by now'


And you know what, i know she was right.


Because if he can get it up for Courtney Love, he could get it up no matter what the circumstances.


(Seriously, what is wrong with me, why do I feel compelled to tell these stories?)
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 15:09, 16 replies)

Fucking hell, this just needs a mention of an autism related disorder and uncle fucking and it's the quintessentail QOTW post.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 15:15, closed)

I like..

..how..

This is even written.

In the.

CLASSIC.

QOTW fashion.

cheers
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 15:25, closed)

Ah Steve Coogan
Always a fan of Courtney Love's Hole.

What?
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Thu 12 Mar 2009, 15:17, closed)

Cap'n, the bullshit stores!
They cannae hold no more!
( WHARRGARBL, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 15:17, closed)

100% true
with allowances for memory issues, I assure you.

Steve Coogan was a regular around the watering holes of South Manchester in the early 90's. And generally thought of as a tosser of the highest order.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 15:19, closed)

"allowances for memory issues"
Pfft. Sure.
( WHARRGARBL, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 15:22, closed)

Meh
I don't feel the need to defend myself to you to be honest.

Be on your way now little boy.

Engaging in this conversation is actually now the thing I am most ashamed of doing with a penis.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 15:25, closed)

I note...
Mr Hysteria is a raconteur of considerable repute himself.

/irony
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Thu 12 Mar 2009, 15:31, closed)

I'm really not.
The key difference between me and him is that I don't feel that I need to make up stories about the fact that I once nearly put my willy in something.
( WHARRGARBL, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 15:32, closed)

Oh you literary cad!

( WHARRGARBL, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 15:31, closed)

My old flatmate
used to work with his brother.

Even his own brother thinks he's a tosser and hates his guts.

EDIT Coogan, that is, not Scarpe.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 16:09, closed)

Hahaha
Thanks for the clarification!
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 16:14, closed)

To be fair to Mr Coogan....
... He played the part of the erstwhile Tony Wilson, the one time head of Factory Records in the surprisingly good "24 Hour Party People".

A Mancunian chap I know remarked "There's a prize tosser playing the role of another prize tosser".
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Thu 12 Mar 2009, 16:25, closed)

Worst erotic novella evar.
( TFD is sporting this season's finest necropants, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 15:19, closed)

She'd have been disappointed
I reckon. He's got (or had) a Ferrari, so he obviously has a very very small cock. Which goes off quickly. Probably.





Yeah, I'm jealous, I want a fucking Ferrari.
(Rsoles, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 15:53, closed)

Take it you dont own
Alan Partridge on dvd?

have a click for that tale, matey
( SpankyHanky, Fri 13 Mar 2009, 20:11, closed)