Dead dog in the garden
Years back when I lived in Kentish Town, I woke one day to find that someone had dumped a decaying collie in our back yard. Holding a hankie over my mouth and nose, I went out to have a look. Definitely a dog, with all horrible dirty, matted fur. Definitely not moving. So I did what any sensible man would do under the circumstances and went to get a stick to poke it with. It was squidgy. But applying just a tiny amount more pressure caused the whole thing to flip over and some bad words to come out of my mouth, as I really hadn't been expecting that.

It was a disturbingly realistic life-size stuffed toy. It looked like it had been left outside for months and so, for whatever reason, someone had decided to hoy it over our fence to get rid of it.

We kept it in the garden for ages - it became our house mascot/pet and visitors would often double-take when glancing out of the kitchen window - "Oh that? Yeah, that's just our dead dog."

I think it went on the bonfire in the end.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Thu 20 Dec 2012, 14:56, 27 replies)

You're so edgy.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 20 Dec 2012, 15:25, closed)

Did you get scantily dressed, geek girls
to pose with it?
There's probably an untapped niche of dead dog grot, waiting to be serviced.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Thu 20 Dec 2012, 16:10, closed)

So your company is so dull that people resorted to commenting on rotting stuffed toys in the garden.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 20 Dec 2012, 19:29, closed)

You have very slightly depressed me with the sheer stupidity on display here.
It's like you kind of know how an insult is supposed to work but either you don't know what some of the words mean or you just haven't thought it through - yes, my friends are the kind of people who, upon seeing what is apparently a dead dog outside the kitchen window, will probably say something like: "Is that a dead dog in your garden?" Presumably by contrast you live in the kind of squalid shithole where a decomposing canine in the yard would pass without comment? I mean I've seen some pathetic flailing on this site, but this has to be a new low - it's the sort of thing that would embarrass an eight year-old.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Thu 20 Dec 2012, 20:00, closed)

I have never had rotting toys in my garden.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 20 Dec 2012, 20:38, closed)

Well neither do I, we chucked it on a bonfire years back
I do have a head on a spike by the shed though, as the missus wanted one after watching Game of Thrones.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Thu 20 Dec 2012, 21:13, closed)

For the sake of authenticity, I hope it's George Bush.
( Happy Phantom has been to Hastings, Brighton, and Eastbourne too, Thu 20 Dec 2012, 22:31, closed)

Sadly not, but I could probably put one together

( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Fri 21 Dec 2012, 8:41, closed)

Are you attempting to re-write your original story here?
You just told the internet that you kept a rotting toy in your garden "for ages" and now you're suggesting that other people live in a squalid shithole?
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 21 Dec 2012, 8:28, closed)

Well it didn't rot as such, being mostly made from artificial fibres and stuffing
and the rest of the garden was pristine - we had some really good patio furniture, a cold frame for my cucumbers, a nice bird table where a massive tree used to be, a jasmine arch that I trained myself, a bramble up the back fence for blackberries, a little palm tree, tomatoes and peas in the veg patch and so on. It was the juxtaposition of what was *apparently* a dead dog (but actually wasn't) and the rest of the garden that was jarring enough for people to comment. You do understand how anecdotes work, right?
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Fri 21 Dec 2012, 8:40, closed)

Usually I find it best to fabricate load of tedious drivel
creating a back-story enabling me to shoehorn in a pathetic look-at-me reference to some utter cunt off a shit 'comedy' programme.

But that's just how I do it - you have to find your own way.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 21 Dec 2012, 10:07, closed)

Hee hee hee
I love it when you get all cross
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Fri 21 Dec 2012, 11:38, closed)

Gosh you're right. I'm positively incandescent with rage.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 21 Dec 2012, 12:04, closed)

It's mostly transference, obviously
I know you're mostly angry at yourself and the complete atrocity you've made of your life, so you try to make yourself feel better by getting angry at me and Red Dwarf. Perhaps you should write a stiffly-worded letter to Dave instead?
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Fri 21 Dec 2012, 12:29, closed)

That's a smegging good idea EmV mate.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 21 Dec 2012, 13:14, closed)

And then you should probably think about ending it all

( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Fri 21 Dec 2012, 14:27, closed)

And miss out on your weekly breakdowns?
FUCK NO.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 21 Dec 2012, 16:53, closed)

I'm curious, if my pointing out that you're a stupid, loathsome and utterly pitiful excuse for a human being counts as a "breakdown"
What's your word for...whatever it is you do every week, besides rocking up in my threads and acting like a spastic?

Other than an ongoing, desperate cry for attention?
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Sat 22 Dec 2012, 8:50, closed)

It definitely makes you look better that you type five words of defence for every word of mockery.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Sun 23 Dec 2012, 8:13, closed)

I call it 'mockery'.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 24 Dec 2012, 10:14, closed)

There there.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 21 Dec 2012, 12:55, closed)

LOL

( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Fri 21 Dec 2012, 12:57, closed)

Two whole minutes?
At least you're not frantically F5ing your own thread in order to defend your domestic discipline.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 21 Dec 2012, 13:20, closed)

LOL
twat
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Fri 21 Dec 2012, 14:27, closed)

There there.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 21 Dec 2012, 15:21, closed)

So your story is
you left your toys out.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 21 Dec 2012, 10:05, closed)

Makes a change from shoving them up some poor ugly girl's clunge.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Sat 22 Dec 2012, 7:39, closed)