How do you make a twitter?

( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Thu 5 Mar 2015, 15:57, Reply)

How many legs does a caterpillar have? Someone said it was 6 but I reckon that's bollocks

( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Thu 5 Mar 2015, 15:56, 1 reply, 10 years ago)

How much wood would a wood chuck chuck if it had a butcher's knife forced into its spine?

( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Thu 5 Mar 2015, 15:55, Reply)

What is the capital of Armenia?

( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Thu 5 Mar 2015, 15:54, Reply)

Who won the 1978 FA Cup?

( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Thu 5 Mar 2015, 15:54, Reply)

Guyrim

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Wed 4 Mar 2015, 19:24, Reply)

Is this the red sea, or am I just seeing red?

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Wed 4 Mar 2015, 17:50, Reply)

I wonder what melts in a milk chocolate mouth?

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Wed 4 Mar 2015, 17:50, Reply)

How can an orange peel, when it has a crispy shell?

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Wed 4 Mar 2015, 17:50, Reply)

How far underground does a tube go?

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Wed 4 Mar 2015, 17:50, Reply)

Why are Daily Mirror contributors utter cunts?

( Muns, Wed 4 Mar 2015, 16:21, Reply)

would you rather eat a sandwich or get hit by a car?

( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Wed 4 Mar 2015, 16:20, Reply)

would you rather be disabled or chinese?

( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Wed 4 Mar 2015, 16:20, Reply)

would you rather be a batman villain or a bond villain?

( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Wed 4 Mar 2015, 16:19, Reply)

What abuses of Music and Lyrics need to be addressed by the nation?
Dear Advertisers, if you're trying to imply that there's a scrap of professionalism in a 'No-win No-fee' legal churn business then perhaps you should avoid using a song which prominently features the lyric 'I've forgotten what I started fighting for'.

Dear Sting, favouring your 'toast done on one side' has nothing to do with being an Englishman, in New York or elsewhere. It's just you being an awkward bell-end again.

Advertisers again - sorry - but if you're going to the extent of raising the dead to promote 'Galaxy' chocolate bars, it's probably a good idea to fade out the backing singer before they refer to 'Two Drifters', rather than a fraction of a second after.
( joefish It's hard for thee to kick against the pricks, Tue 3 Mar 2015, 19:00, 1 reply, 10 years ago)

how many pieces of toast did you have for breakfast?
I had four
(Synchromesh gearbox, overhead cam, Tue 3 Mar 2015, 6:22, 2 replies, latest was 10 years ago)

Tell us all about the last time you remember QOTW
Lasting a week.
( spanishfly is so fucking sexy people impersonate him, Sat 28 Feb 2015, 16:48, Reply)

Do you like Ant & Dec?
You don't? Why fucking not? What's fucking wrong with you, you fucking prick?
( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Sat 28 Feb 2015, 16:36, Reply)

What Desperately Unfunny Red Top Buzzfeed Imitator Are You?

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Sat 28 Feb 2015, 2:38, 1 reply, 10 years ago)

Your best bit of bad luck ever
I was once laid off after 3 weeks at a new job. It was a shite job, but I was gutted as money is quite useful when you have a family. Then the company gave the same settlement to every employee of 3 months pay. To say I was quite pleased is an understatement.

I was interviewed by the local TV news after the layoff and, as my gruntle was sufficiently dissed, it was aired. My previous boss who'd laid me off about a year previously called me up and offered me some work to tide me over too. I came out of it quite well in the end I thought.
(teasus likes tea, Thu 26 Feb 2015, 22:11, 1 reply, 10 years ago)

magnets

( The Doveston haunted by the memory of his own amnesia, Thu 26 Feb 2015, 9:25, 1 reply, 10 years ago)

That's when I knew it was over... part deux
When Phil Collins released ‘Another Day in Paradise’. My deep and abiding love for him (don’t ask me why, I’m still not really sure) collapsed in a pile of doodie. How can you give me a guilt trip Phil? I know there are poor people, hell, I’m one of them most weeks, but how much of your gazillion dollars are you passing over to that little girl on street whose been crying? Huh? How much?
That’s when it was over for Phil and me (I?). Never to be resurrected.
When did you know it was over?
(Monkee girl not a monkee, not a girl, Wed 25 Feb 2015, 4:10, 3 replies, latest was 10 years ago)

Arbuthnot.
Tell us about the people you've encountered called Arbuthnot.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 18 Feb 2015, 12:38, 1 reply, 10 years ago)

Accountants.
Is your partner an accountant?
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Mon 16 Feb 2015, 17:41, 1 reply, 10 years ago)

Births
Tell me about your experiences of either being in the hopital and giving birth, witnessing the one you love give birth, fucking up the drive to the hospital, fucking up the hospital, what did you forget to pack in the birthing bag.

Pretty much what kind of insanity should I expect on the big day.

Cheers.
( spanishfly is so fucking sexy people impersonate him, Mon 9 Feb 2015, 10:02, 2 replies, latest was 10 years ago)

Dying in your arse.
QOTW is dying on it's arse. Tell us about other things that are dying on their arse.
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Sun 8 Feb 2015, 13:51, 3 replies, latest was 10 years ago)

Things you can't unsee...
Waiting for a bus on Upper Street, Islington twenty years ago I was approached by a very old and very potty woman. She must have been 80.
She was licking her lips salaciously and saying "fuck me, fuck me" She then lifted her skirt to show me her fanny. I looked, I ran, I wish I could rinse my mind out, but the image remains.
(The Eightball Says Yes, Wed 4 Feb 2015, 20:01, 1 reply, 10 years ago)

Cheap Mates
(inspired by www.b3ta.com/links/1271776 )

"Picking peanuts out of poo - Tells us about the extreme lengths your mates have gone to save a few quid"

I used to work with a guy who had a savant type ability for remembering when he last bought a round, so if he bought the last round 3 weeks ago when we went to the pub it wasn't his turn first. I always assumed it just reset each time. Needless to say he was wealthy and boring.

This may have already been done but fuck it
(HandmadeLurkage it smells of farts in here, Wed 4 Feb 2015, 17:24, Reply)

tell us about sexy children

(Good evening Good evening, Sat 17 Jan 2015, 19:26, Reply)

Best intentions
There is a saying, "no good deed goes unpunished". Did you ever do someone a favour that went disastrously wrong?

Sometimes well intended actions lead to unforeseen consequences. Did you ever do someone such a terrible 'good turn' that they never spoke to you again?
( notoolsovernight you're all luvvly an' 'orrible, Sun 11 Jan 2015, 18:25, Reply)