Kappa-Slappa Jailbait
You couldn't even have a wank in this town without having some teenage girl battering down your front door, punch you in the face, pull down her knickers and squat over the splodge-wadded kleenex, inserting it deep inside her clout in the hope she'd get pregnant and move a little further up the council housing list.

When I first moved there I remember sitting in a pub, getting out my fags (back in the glorious days when you could spread cancer round to the ungreatful health Nazis), and sparking up. And the locals just stared. FIRE!!! OOooooOOOooooHHHHH!!! I thought they were going to start worshiping me as some sort of god. You could say this place was a little backwards.

The most notable memory of this place was when I went to buy some supplies from the local cornershop. A preeteen chavette was loitering outside, resplendant in bright pink Kappa-slappa shell suit with her oily hair tied back in a ponytail on her head so she looked like a scabby old pineapple.

"Mate, can you buy us some fags?"

"Errr... no..."

"Go on! Buy us ten Lambert and Butler," ahhh - the brand nine out of ten chavs go batshit mental for. They're like catnip for chavs.

I stopped: "No," I said more firmly.

"Cunt! Go on!"

Hmmmmmm. I gathered this girl didn't have a future career working as a diplomatic attache for the UN. But I was tired and wasn't really thinking straight. "OK," I mumble. "Just this once."

I enter the shop. Buy my supplies. Grab a ten pack of the cheapo cancersticks, and then I leave. I had them over to this bangle-earinged lovely and then she looks me up and down and smiles a toothless smile. "How do you want me to pay for these?" she asked.

Took me a while to register. But when it finally sunk in I very nearly shat myself. "Money would be good," I said, feeling a strange tightening in my gut as if someone had sneaked up behind me and was attempting to extract my lunch by constricting my sides, like I was some kind of dozy halfwit human squeezy ketchup bottle.

She actually reached out and stroked my chest. "I was thinking of summit else..."

"Errr... you're not even old enough to have tits," I reasoned.

"Fuck you! You fucking homo!" And with that she grabbed the Lamberts and fucked off into the gloom, her fat arse rustling in her polyester gear, her ponytail bobbing from side to side like a scabby old rattle snake, her Elizabeth Duke gold plated bangles clattering, a veritable thesaurus of new and interesting swear words spewing out of her herpes-encrusted lips. And from that day on a certain group of chav girlies used to scream: "FUCKKIN HOMO!!!" At me whenever I'd walk by. (Very embarrassing if you happen to be with a girl you're trying to leave a messy deposit inside of).

Fucking weird place.... Managed to get through the couple of years I had there without getting done for statutory rape, thank God. I swear, if a girl's still a virgin on her thirteenth birthday in this place she's ostracised for being more frigid than an eighteen wheeler ice truck full of Cornetto's in the fucking Antarctic with a busted radiator and a permanently jammed open sun roof. Bolton... The thought of the place still makes me shudder.

Apologies to any B3tan Boltonites... though I doubt there's any. Electricity is still seen as poncy, Southern and nouveau riche in that neck of the woods...
( SpankyHanky, Thu 29 Oct 2009, 12:38, 10 replies)

Click, obviously.
Ahh Bolton. My mother did a craft fair there once. At the end of the day a bunch of chavs clambered up the tent and tore through it with flick-knives.

She never ever wants to go to Bolton again.
( MCQ Cartoons n' shit: bagowank.com, Thu 29 Oct 2009, 12:56, closed)

oh
An emate lives in Bolton, some of the stuff she tells us about is incredible.
She also did a craft fair and said it was a nightmare, wonders if it was the same one?
(insomniac-surfer oh go on then, just this once, Thu 29 Oct 2009, 13:24, closed)

If she had no teeth
You totally should have got a blowjob, you dolt.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 29 Oct 2009, 12:59, closed)

The hideous image detailed in the first paragraph
was enough to warrant a click.
(LongJohnBaldry, Thu 29 Oct 2009, 13:31, closed)

like catnip for chavs
love it
(Jelly God, Thu 29 Oct 2009, 13:59, closed)

Yeah, what he said
*click*
( snee held his breath since, Thu 29 Oct 2009, 15:33, closed)

Oh so true
Love it!
( electric_goat, Sun 1 Nov 2009, 10:18, closed)

A great post...

And great call for QotW.

*Cer-lickety woo!*
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Thu 29 Oct 2009, 19:56, closed)

Clickety click
Ah, Bolton. Beautifully described. Have a click
( Snappyuk gets BIGGER with free sample., Thu 29 Oct 2009, 23:25, closed)

Thank FUCK
something funny! Nice one!
(7777, Tue 3 Nov 2009, 10:33, closed)