Driving

Avoid expensive repairs to your car, insurance claims, possible funeral expenses, increased insurance costs, annoying interviews with the police and, possibly, appearing in the coroners court (either as a witness or the exhibit), by regarding every other road user as a complete cunt who's only purpose in life is to fuck up your day and make you crash.

A vehicle with high clearance that can mount the kerb without ripping off the exhaust also helps.

Case in point. Yesterday, some fuck-wit mouth-breather thought it would be a good idea to pull out from his stationary lane (where most people were queuing to get onto the freeway) into my lane - where I was doing 70 and had not a hope in hell of stopping before I hit him. I had to slam on the brakes and swerve onto the grass verge ( which is why you need high clearance ) and I actually passed him, two wheels on the grass, still braking like a bastard.

You also have to treat all pedestrians as Lemmings. They'll dart out into the traffic, with no warning, seeking some unfulfilled Lemming urge that makes them cross the road at unpredictable times. Of course - if you hit them the you weren't driving with enough care and attention. The ones I hate the most are the ones that grin at you and give your car an affectionate pat while the smoke is still spiralling skywards from your tires.

Trust me. Treat everyone who is not in car with you, as a potential cunt, and you'll save thousands over the years.

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Tue 15 Nov 2011, 12:27, 22 replies)

So you only learnt this lesson yesterday?
Apparently.
( P-MONKE We're all fucked, Tue 15 Nov 2011, 12:47, closed)

Sage advice
But I can understand why some people are attracted to emulating the dangerous lifestyle of Motorhead's front-man.
(roysin, Tue 15 Nov 2011, 12:47, closed)

I'm guessing you're a Septic? In this country if you mount the pavement or grass verge..
You'll hit a pole or a tree or a sign warning you about how many fatalities there have been caused by the pole, tree or sign in the past 3 years.
( Airman Gabber Living life like a 70's BBC presenter, Tue 15 Nov 2011, 13:33, closed)

Septic?
Tank? Shock?
(MayorBoris, Tue 15 Nov 2011, 16:45, closed)

Tank.
Yank.
( Airman Gabber Living life like a 70's BBC presenter, Tue 15 Nov 2011, 16:46, closed)

Ah.
A 'cockeney'. :p

Not heard that one before!
(MayorBoris, Tue 15 Nov 2011, 17:04, closed)

It also helps to have a shitty old car. People tend to steer/dive out of the way when you aim at them. There needs to be a change to the law that says if a pedestrian crosses against their light, it is lawful to smear them across the road.
(Beaverman Opulence, I has it., Tue 15 Nov 2011, 13:39, closed)

I read this as

Drive as if you own the road and nothing unexpected will ever happen, then get indignant when you discover you don’t own the road and unexpected things do happen.
( Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Tue 15 Nov 2011, 13:45, closed)

I would say
that driving at 70mph adjacent to a queue of stationary traffic falls firmly into that camp.
( P-MONKE We're all fucked, Tue 15 Nov 2011, 13:51, closed)

I'd say it's firmly in the 'driving like a complete twat' group.
I never realised that these people didn't realise what they were doing. I just thought they didn't give a fuck.
( Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Tue 15 Nov 2011, 15:30, closed)

Traffic on a slip road is legally obliged to yield if it can't merge safely. Granted, traffic on the carriageway should show consideration - but if you're doing a stately, and perfectly legal 70mph in the left-hand lane, you can guarantee other people will be passing you. You don't always have the option to simply move over, and slowing to a crawl increases the risk that you will get rear-ended. But don't let that spoil a perfectly good sanctimonious rant...
( Happy Phantom has been to Hastings, Brighton, and Eastbourne too, Tue 15 Nov 2011, 16:58, closed)

RIP
Here Lies Happy Phantom
1947 - 2011
“It was my right of way and I was within the speed limit”
.
.
( Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Tue 15 Nov 2011, 18:54, closed)

Next time you're queuing on a sliproad and see an artic hauling ass up the near-side lane, you just pull right out, then.
"Physics turned out to be more immutable than my stubborn refusal to listen to either logic or law. Who knew..."

I don't suppose the road system is perfectly designed, by any means - but it's probably not helped by those amongst us who feel entitled to strike their own bold path, in contradiction to both the law and other road users' expectations.
( Happy Phantom has been to Hastings, Brighton, and Eastbourne too, Tue 15 Nov 2011, 20:00, closed)

You

make no sense. Or I'm not understanding your point. Are you suggesting that whenever the traffic in a sliproad is stalled or slow moving I should slow down in case someone changes his mind and decides to pull into my lane without indicating? If so, please explain your logic and also tell me what speed you would consider appropriate for that condition. Then we can see if we can get the highway code changed for you. Also, bear in mind that the traffic in front and behind me are all travelling at 70.

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Tue 15 Nov 2011, 22:34, closed)

Me too
I've managed 25-odd years without knocking anyone over (or almost nearly) or having a crash.

Must be something to do with me driving like a pussy.
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Tue 15 Nov 2011, 14:32, closed)

Odd

The whole point of my post is that I drive like a paranoid and I fully expect other road users to do the unexpected. Crossing the dotted lines that indicate you're in a sliplane that leads to the motorway, stopping in the queue of traffic in that lane and then, without indicating or warning, pulling out into a stream of traffic that's travelling at 70 certainly fits into that camp.

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Tue 15 Nov 2011, 22:23, closed)

I do think of them exactly in this way
Which is why I don't drive. I can, of course, but I don't fancy it in London so sold the car.
(elbee909, Tue 15 Nov 2011, 13:51, closed)

This is pretty much
exactly how motorcyclists treat the roads.

I take the view that there are good drivers, and bad drivers everywhere.

It won't help that it's a bad driver that knocks me off my bike, into the path of a bus. It's 100% MY responsibility to avoid getting squashed, regardless of how bad the drivers around me are.

Defensive driving. It's not just a river in Egypt.
(username failed moderation, Tue 15 Nov 2011, 14:20, closed)

Some motorcyclysts
It's the ones doing 30-40 mph more than the traffic around them who are asking to become organ doners
( Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Tue 15 Nov 2011, 15:32, closed)

organ doner kebabs? Ha ha.

(MayorBoris, Tue 15 Nov 2011, 16:48, closed)

Yeah, agreed.
I do occasionally wince at the chancers doing 50 mph between the two lanes of stationary traffic on the Talgarth road.

They're also the ones that do that hilarious 'lean out of the saddle' thing as they go round the Hogarth roundabout.

Dude, you're riding a CBR600 up the A4, not a Ducatti round Malory park. You don't look like Vallentino Rossi, you look like a dick.
(username failed moderation, Wed 16 Nov 2011, 9:39, closed)

Driving without due care and attention, is an offence.
So, I suppose that "drive with due care and attention" is a good tip.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Tue 15 Nov 2011, 22:08, closed)