The Taboo of Paddling the Pink Canoe
Having sex with a girl while you’re being watched by every fucking Disney character from the past forty-odd years in stuffed toy form can be really fucking off-putting. You’re busy reaching the inevitable vinegar strokes, you look up, and Micky-fucking-Mouse himself is staring at you with a fucked-up smile on his chops like some dirty fucking rodent perv, discussing the benefits of your reach-round tit grab technique with a down syndrome, fuzzy mong version of Donald Duck. What the fuck is it with girls and those collections of cuddly toys they fill their fucking bedrooms with?

One of my old girlfriends, Jen, had a shitload of stuffed toy animals in her room in Halls. This is the tale of how a certain stuffed animal, Kipper*, and a brush with abject fucking sexism led to Jen, my five foot nothing girlfriend, punching me out cold in a packed pub in Manchester.

Jen and I were fucking about playing hide the salami in her room, when, after a while and considering we were a couple of weeks into our relationship, I decided to let slip a little of the facade that I was a nice boy and let the real inner perv out. I asked her if she’d do one of my top-five things I like to do with a woman. I asked if I could see her have a wank, just sort of watch. And Jen went absolutely apeshit: “I’m a girl! I don’t DO THAT!” I laughed. She didn’t laugh. She was being serious. Fuck. Now, I’d seen other girls paddle the pink canoe, flick the bean, twist the slimy button to maximum overdrive, but, alas, some of these had been wank deniers too.

Apparently girls don’t wank... If a bloke claimed the same thing he’d be tarred and feathered and laughed out of town. Sexism. Fucking sexism... What sort of a world do we live in where a girl can claim never to have done the monkey-rub with herself, FFS?

Anyway, after a little more of my limited charm and an awful lot of neat vodka Jen decided to let me into her wanking world. Lounging on the bed, she reached over for her favourite and oldest stuffed toy, Kipper*, and – OH FUCKIN SWEET JESUS, NOOOOOOOOOO!!! She mounted the little raggedy fella – a manky old toy rabbit – and drove her sopping cunt down onto his prone little form, moaning like she’d been hit by a fucking train. I was astounded, I was aghast, I was incredibly turned on. Afterwards, Jen, wiping hair out of her eyes, turned and looked a little ashamed.

“I’ve been using Kipper* like this since I was eight. He’s my oldest childhood toy,” she said. I thought: EIGHT!!! FUCKING EIGHT-FUCKING-YEARS-OLD?!? I was still pretending to be Luke Skywalker and playing with Lego when I was EIGHT!!!

And then Jen swore me to secrecy. Apparently the fact she liked to wank was an unspeakable evil. Terrible sexism. Men can take pride in pulling the pud, women apparently cannot. Of course I said I’d never tell another living soul.

Fastforward a few weeks, Jen and I and a few of our mates are doing a pub quiz in a busy Manchester pub. Our team, Norfolk N Chance, surprisingly win a third place prize. And out of nowhere the landlord brings out a little teddy bear and plonks it on our table in front of my girlfriend.

One of my mates turns to Jen and says: “Be gentle on him, sweetheart.”

Another: “Now that’s one lucky fucking bear.”

And another: “Can you get Durex to fit that little fucker?”

This was closely followed by Jen’s clenched little fist making obscene contact with my face, me doing a very lifelike impression of a soft twat being knocked out by a tiny woman, and Jen fucking off never to be seen again...

Why can’t we just accept that everyone wanks, regardless of sex? Sexism is bad... especially when it leads to me being hit in the fucking face and being called a soft little fairy for the following few months...

And the really terrible thing was that Kipper* gave Jen the type of earth-shattering orgasms I could only dream of giving a woman.

* Name changed to protect the toy stuffed animal concerned, he doesn’t need this shit and shame in his fuzzy little life anymore.
( SpankyHanky, Tue 29 Dec 2009, 18:44, 11 replies)

Utterly
brilliant stuff!
(Bad Brad, Tue 29 Dec 2009, 19:46, closed)

kipper
I dunno, what with rampant rabbits and cosmo I think the wanking rules go something like this:

Women wanking = sexy and empowering
Men wanking = sad and inevitable

Although I must concede using a childhood toy called 'Kipper' (Kipper for fucks sake!) to wank is just weird.
(Nitrous Nitrous, Tue 29 Dec 2009, 20:53, closed)

I think you missed the point there.
When you're sworn to secrecy, it doesn't matter how silly/not silly you think the secret is. All that matters is are you trustworthy or not.

You proved not to be. ANYBODY would be livid to see their trust shattered.

You're lucky she only punched you, man.
(Audienda, Tue 29 Dec 2009, 23:19, closed)

Secrecy is not a right
Doctors and psychologists have a legal obligation to grass up patients who might harm others. Similarly, juicy sexual secrets cannot be divulged in any expectation of privacy - the recipient has a moral duty to tell all their friends about it. And us.
(ubergeekian, Fri 1 Jan 2010, 16:53, closed)

Funny stuff this is
have a click
(Tuna Finn, Wed 30 Dec 2009, 2:32, closed)

disturbingly familiar
A previous conquest had a similar affinity with Sooty and Sweep hand puppets....

I wonder if its a common affliction!
(shouldbworking, Wed 30 Dec 2009, 12:47, closed)

Clicked
Only because you protected the name of that poor, abused, stuffed toy.
(Le Grenouille, Thu 31 Dec 2009, 0:26, closed)

Hahahahaha :D
It wasn't Humpty Dumpty from Playschool? She'd have a landing pad like a meteor crater if it was :)
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Thu 31 Dec 2009, 9:12, closed)

From a female point of view
Age 8 is normal.

And I'm sure female masturbation is becoming something which it is accepted happens. A few months ago me and a girl mate were watching a programme on the 'taboo of female masturbation'. Funnily enough just the day before I'd been proudly telling said friend how I once wanked on an otherwise empty carriage of a train as it was speeding through the cambridgeshire countryside :D
( The Helpful Bear, Sat 2 Jan 2010, 20:48, closed)

audible sigh...
At the risk of making myself a target for people trying to 'break me', I'm a girl - and I don't. It's not for lack of opportunity, or lack of experimentation, I have just never felt the attraction (quite literally). What I am trying to say with this post is not a troll for pervy comments - it's just that that SOME PEOPLE JUST DON'T. I don't think it's dirty, I don't think it's wrong. I don't mind Mr. Anodyne doing it, and find it quite cool when he does it in front of me. Hell, if it turned me on I'd do it all the time, but it just doesn't. Don't put it down to being a prude, some people will only get turned on if there are two people involved.
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Tue 5 Jan 2010, 3:01, closed)